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Getting started on personal development often begins with identifying behavioral patterns that aren’t serving us very well in adulthood. While this is a giant step in the right direction, there is another major aspect that is truly transformational.

That meaningful component is a deeper dive into the limiting beliefs and false narratives that are baked into those childhood behavioral patterns. These old stories and limited beliefs hold us back; they prevent us from exploring our full potential and building a deep reservoir of inner strengths.

So while we can change our outgrown behavioral patterns and begin to show up more maturely, if we don’t spend some time untangling ourselves from the beliefs and narratives we heard and absorbed in childhood, we might stunt our personal growth.

There’s no doubt that this is hard work and requires challenging ourselves in order to unlearn and relearn. It is one thing to be fully committed to new habits and big goals, but if we don’t release those limiting beliefs that reinforce self-doubt, there’s a strong likelihood we will self-sabotage our best laid plans. Unfortunately, this is often occurring unconsciously.

As we cultivate more self-awareness for our outgrown behavioral patterns, we can also become more attuned to negative self-talk and the excuses we give ourselves for not pursuing our dreams.

Our limiting beliefs and childhood narratives are often very nuanced and will require some careful “teasing out” of the threads that weave our stories. It is not only the behavior patterns and messaging we struggled with in childhood, it is all the complexities of our family dynamics that played a role as well.

As a child, we were the ones adapting all the time — to our parents, to their actions and responses to life, to all the life events that were occurring. We did not have the brain capacity to reason or rationalize. We did not have the authority to make decisions and make plans that accommodated our unique needs. We had a lot of emotions swirling through us but many went unspoken, unprocessed and misunderstood. So we tried to make sense of all those moving parts by telling ourselves a story. It is our childhood story that shapes us as we move into adulthood.

Often that childhood story serves as a nautical chart for us as we navigate the changing seas of life. While we cannot wait to row our own boat with full independence as we enter adulthood, we are unconsciously aware that our minds are full of obstacles — remnants of childhood that clutter our path. These are limiting beliefs and false narratives about who we really are.

Many of us carry these limiting beliefs far in to adulthood. It might be a scarcity mindset around money if we grew up poor or had parents who gambled or drank away money needed for rent and groceries. We might have body image issues believing we are too thin or too fat, uncoordinated or a weakling. We may believe we aren’t good at sports, or math, or that we just aren’t smart or talented enough to pursue our heart’s dreams. We may think that we have limited future career opportunities due to a lack of higher education. Messaging we get in our formative years can stick with us for a long time and limit us in many ways.

This is why it is so important to include self-reflection on our limiting beliefs and stories of who we thought we were, or were supposed to be, when we were kids as a key component of personal growth.

The above quote from Adam Grant is from his book “Think Again”. It really resonates when applied to childhood stories and the beliefs we were raised on. We cling hard to the stories written in childhood about who we are but the truth is that we were often judged, experienced and molded by others, mostly adults. Parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches — they all see different things in us. Many times they are simply reflecting back what they see in themselves. This is precisely why it is so important to really get to know ourselves as we go through adulthood. We now have agency and autonomy to pick and choose what is right for us, to develop those strengths and skills we are drawn to, to keep learning and growing forward.

I love having conversations with friends who share their stories of realizing that they were still clinging to outdated, outgrown limiting beliefs. Even when their current lived experiences and how they were actually conducting their lives was proof positive that those old beliefs were wrong, there was a little nagging voice inside keeping that old narrative running in the background.

Once they owned the fact that the old beliefs and limitations were a drag on their forward progress, they let go. They embraced their newfound freedom and acknowledged that all along they had been “learning their way out” of those old limitations.

This is the simple, marvelous truth. We are always learning — sometimes by accident, sometimes incidentally, and many times by choice and intentionality.

Learning is the catalyst for freeing ourselves from limiting beliefs and the stories we tell ourselves when we are in struggle– especially those stories we co-author with our inner critic. We can step back and get a fresh, updated perspective — then ask ourselves if what we are believing is true. We do not need to stay forever tethered to an old narrative about who we are. We are evolving through our lived experiences every single day.

When you find yourself in a state of confusion — smile! It means that the information stored in your brain from childhood is colliding with the knowledge, information and experiences you’ve accumulated since then! It’s a big opportunity to shift away from an unconscious reaction to a more nuanced, mature, informed response.

“After all, the purpose of learning isn’t to affirm our beliefs, it’s to evolve our beliefs.” — Adam Grant in his book Think Again

Again Adam Grant offers an invaluable piece of wisdom that can be applied to our personal growth journey. The purpose of cultivating self-awareness and spending time in discovery through self-reflection is to help us clean up the clutter from childhood. We can create a much better nautical map for navigating the vast seas of life by removing impediments like limiting beliefs and old outgrown stories about who we truly are.

When we begin to adopt a regular practice of perspective-taking, we super boost our natural curiosity. This is one child-like quality we should tap into! We also open up and are receptive to take in new information, ideas and stories from others. The natural desire to resist taking in anything that conflicts with our rigid beliefs or scares us loosens its grip. We begin to find ourselves more pliable and flexible with paradox, with opinions different than our own because lived experiences are also different. All of this culminates in a grounded confidence that allows us to be truly authentic with an ability to listen to understand without all those old limiting beliefs and stories getting in the way. That is where personal growth thrives.

I’m sharing this little footnote to this post because it’s become so clear to me that regardless of your age, this inner work of self-reflection around limiting beliefs is incredibly necessary and game-changing. Because we got a lot of things wrong in prior generations about how to deal with emotions, myths about vulnerability being weakness, shoving our family skeletons into closets, and double standards — even younger generations (20’s, 30’s and 40’s) need to do this work. You’ll see what I mean if you listen to the podcast episodes I’m including in recommended resources with this post. Doing this kind of inner growth work is what contributes to breaking dysfunction cycles of poor life skills for future generations.

RECOMMENDED RESOURCES:

4 Steps to Release “Limiting Beliefs” Learned from Childhood: Psychology Today:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/focus-forgiveness/201311/4-steps-release-limiting-beliefs-learned-childhood

In this edition of my Nuggets of Wisdom, I am sharing some insights from conversations with my friends who are also committed to their personal growth and what they have been witnessing from their positive changes.

When we cultivate self-awareness, we do become more cognizant of the behaviors we have had that really held us back from being our “authentic” selves. We often said “yes” when we really wanted to say “no.”

Awareness and authenticity go hand in hand when stepping back and assessing why we do that. Sometimes it is just because we think it will “keep the peace”. Sometimes we believe that having the same old disagreement will just end up with the same old result. Sometimes we are putting our needs and even our values to the side because we think it will make someone else happy.

The truth of the matter is that we often get a gut feeling or a nudge of intuition that our values and our actions are out of alignment….and that can lead to resentment, stuffing our emotions and our needs and participating half-heartedly in whatever we have agreed to do. We simply do not feel comfortable in our own skin.

My friends and I have noticed that when we take that first uncomfortable step towards real authenticity and actually say no, or set a boundary, that we feel lighter, more empowered and confident. And that initial discomfort fades fast. In fact, often the other person doesn’t even really care that we didn’t go along blindly, or they discover something new about us that supports a better relationship.

This may be my favorite wisdom and insight. My friends have been sharing stories about some of the richer, deeper conversations they have been having with family members during these past few months of family reunions, summer vacations, and backyard barbecues. There is no doubt that people “feel” the energy and openness around someone who has really done a lot of inner work. There is a sense that it is safe to really open up. These heart to heart conversations have answered a lot of questions about family history, revealed hidden strengths, and unburdened others of heavy baggage they’d been carrying around for decades. Pema Chodrun has long taught that when we do our personal growth work, we make it easier for others to do theirs. My friends are now enjoying the benefits of these deeper connections with family members — something they had longed for and worked hard to achieve. The pivotal difference was going inward first, doing their own personal growth work, and then letting their positive changes draw others in.

One of the most effective tools for personal growth work is “reframing”.

Taking a fresh perspective to adversity can shift our unconscious brains from a negativity bias and help us engage in something much more positive to handle challenges and difficulties.

This reframing of being “planted in possibility” encourages us to lean on our inner strengths like courage, resiliency and resourcefulness.

We do possess some rich compost to support our efforts. Think about times in the past when you have successfully overcome an adversity. Draw on that experience. Recognize how much you have grown and discovered since then and tap into the greater resources you have developed. Use regret as a tool to help you recognize what you value most. Check in with yourself to see if you might have a pattern that isn’t serving you well when trouble shows up. Seek help and guidance from those you admire who have overcome similar adversities.

We seem to have this myth that soft skills are not very powerful or effective. That could not be farther from the truth. Perhaps the real truth is that it takes courage, confidence and commitment to actually employ soft skills. It is not easy to admit we were wrong or that we need to apologize. And yet personal accountability builds trust, respect and better connections with others. Owning our mistakes is a powerful soft skill. Personal accountability for how we conduct ourselves and the standards we hold ourselves to reveals our integrity and core values. By the way, did you know that others will often not hold us accountable because of the discomfort that they feel? If we know we have screwed up, it’s such a gift to others to admit and make amends. Now that’s a soft skill that packs a meaningful punch.

Another soft skill that requires awareness and a lot of practice is non-judgment. We can be all too quick to judge someone else, using our own experiences and standards as a filter. All too often, we are sadly mistaken about another’s situation, their choices and their emotional landscape. Catching ourselves being judgmental is the first step. The next is to lean into empathy. What if we were judged inaccurately by another? How would that feel? That little pause and frame of reference can shift us to becoming more compassionate, curious and non-judgmental.

If someone is courageous enough to tell us their story, can we listen to better understand them and their experience? This soft skill requires us to refrain from formulating our response while listening, from rushing in to give advice or fix. We are listening to understand. Seem simple enough, but it does not come naturally to most of us.

These simple (but challenging) soft skills are game changers. Imagine your closest relationship and how things might transform if you took personal accountability seriously, shifted from being judgmental and even critical to being open-minded and curious, and if you became a really good listener?

I hope you have found these nuggets of wisdom to be helpful and motivational. Just one more observation to share: It’s becoming very evident that people are really searching for more face to face interaction and better connections with each other. My friends and I have noticed this in our neighborhoods and communities. When we take a better version of ourselves out into the world, we become part of the “relational scaffolding” that Dr. Bruce Perry believes is transformational for humankind.

Everybody has something they are dealing with each and every day. Strive to help others by being kind, sharing a smile, holding a door, offering a compliment. It really does make a difference.

RECOMMENDED RESOURCES:

Check out my last two blog posts on Deliberate Growth to learn how you can “upgrade your brain” to fastback your personal growth work:

Deliberate Growth

https://inspirednewhorizons.com/2022/07/24/deliberate-growth/

How to Achieve Deliberate Growth

https://inspirednewhorizons.com/2022/07/26/how-to-achieve-deliberate-growth/

We have positive experiences every day that present us with opportunities to learn something new. Yet all too often, we miss those golden opportunities for a variety of reasons. The brain’s natural negativity bias is one key reason.

Another is the fact that often we are just not paying attention. We do spend a fair amount of our time each day operating on auto pilot, navigating through life with habits and patterns we haven’t proactively updated for years.

Think about this: We update our phones to fix glitches and install upgrades. In fact, we are eager and excited about upgrades for our devices.

We can do the same thing for the most amazing experience processors we possess — our brains! We can actually “upgrade” our personal operating system by cultivating awareness and proactively rewiring our brain to “take in the good”. Maybe we just need to reframe brain health as our personal “upgrade”.

“Every time you take in the good, you build a little bit of neural structure. Doing this a few times a day — for months, and even years — will gradually change your brain, and how you feel and act — in far reaching ways. –– Dr. Rick Hanson, Author of Resilient, NeuroDharma and Hardwiring Happiness.

Game-changing breakthroughs are occurring in the fields of neuroscience, neurobiology, psychology and mental health that we can tap into from the comfort of our own homes to give our brains — and our lives — a major operational upgrade!

In his recently published study in the Journal of Positive Physchology, entitled “Learning to Learn from Positive Experiences“, Dr. Rick Hanson reveals the profound revelations of our capacity for “deliberate growth”.

The focus of this study was how to make learning “stick”; how to build those internal resources that we need when facing life’s challenges. Those inner strengths are things like courage, resilience, patience, confidence, compassion, and emotional know how.

There has never been a study done quite like this. Previously, the little research that did exist had been primarily focused on external factors like settings, environments, behavioral patterns; or broad, global attitudes such as having a “growth mindset” or being open to our own experiences. Even cultivating “awareness” about our emotional triggers and childhood behavioral patterns was only the first step in moving towards healing and personal growth. Being aware is key — but how do we make lasting changes in the ways we show up in the world?

As Dr. Rick Hanson points out, “what makes the most difference is where the neurological rubber meets the road in how we directly engage our experiences of what we are trying to grow.”

Positive neuroplasticity!

This is groundbreaking and game-changing research that will become a foundational component of mental health, personal growth, brain health and overall wellbeing.

By being proactively engaged in our positive experiences as they are occurring, we can disrupt the brain’s natural negativity bias and build stronger neural pathways for our inner strengths. We become more skillful at “taking in the good” and we strengthen core resources for handling adversity.

Dr. Hanson explains that if we are trying to grow inner strengths like happiness, patience, or self-worth, it starts by actually experiencing it. So often, when we are having a positive experience, it can wash right through our minds like water through a sieve. A momentary experience of pure joy or feeling patient fades away quickly. It doesn’t stick.

In his earlier teachings, Dr. Hanson would encourage us to become aware of those good feelings associated with a positive experience and hold on to them for 15-30 seconds. While that was helpful for us to begin recognizing how many good experiences we were having during a day, it was one half of the equation — it was “activation”. This new research reveals the second — and most impactful –step in the learning process. It is “installation.”

Activation and installation are the keys steps for our brain upgrades. Makes sense doesn’t it? We can get messages on our phones about a new upgrade, but until we actually “install” it, we don’t get the benefits of that upgrade. Same simple concept applies to our brains — it takes both activation and installation.

By using the methods from Dr. Hanson’s study, we can deliberately and directly increase our positive neuroplasticity which causes the actual experience to lodge inside of us. The experience sticks. It’s like planting a seed of the resource we wish to increase.

The more we deliberately and directly engage with our positive experiences, the more we are attending to the growth of those inner strengths every day.

These are such extraordinary findings because we now have several key factors to add to the field of positive psychology which Dr. Martin Seligman introduced over 20 years ago. It was long held that a person’s character was pretty much set by around the age of 20 but we’ve learned that this is not at all the case. People change all throughout their lives and have the ability to grow and expand their inner resources as they evolve. As Dr. Hanson’s study confirms, we do have the capacity for deliberate growth.

Not only can we acquire resources like resilience, patience, courage, self worth and emotional know how, we can supercharge the acquisition of these inner strengths by moving them from “states to traits”. Dr. Hanson points out that we have to move from “states to traits” for any kind of lasting learning.

In his book, Atomic Habits, James Clear encourages us to cast a vote for the person we wish to become. He often suggests we have a strong image in our minds of a real life person who embodies the values and characteristics that we wish to grow. This concept of “casting a vote” is that every small and simple action that reinforces those good habits, done consistently over time, helps us “install” new, improved habits. Eventually, we do actually become a better version of ourselves and it appears to be fluid, organic.

It is this very same principle that Dr. Hanson’s research proves for our capacity to grow core inner strengths. Over time, with consistent, engaged daily practice, we move from someone who can tap into reservoirs of calmness or resiliency, to a person who actually is calm and/or resilient. We move more fluidly and organically through life with those core inner strengths as our compass and ballast.

Very simply put learning is conscious. Dr. Hanson emphasizes that we must help our positive experiences change the brain. No brain change, no learning.

Here is the stunning truth: We have the most amazing computer installed in us from birth — it is our brain. Yet we operate unconsciously about all the features and capabilities of this most incredible, malleable, multi-functional technology. Few of us ever read an operator’s manual for our brain. That’s a core reason why we have trouble parenting — we don’t understand how a child’s brain develops. As our bodies grow and our lived experiences shape us, we keep operating on auto pilot with a brain that would love an upgrade.

Let’s not forget that the factory default for our brains is a turbo-charged negativity bias. Basically when we are young, that factory setting helps us to stay alert for what we need to survive — food, safety, nurturing. And we are completely vulnerable, dependent on others to ensure those basic needs are met. But as we grow, learn and become autonomous, we gain agency for ourselves. However, if we don’t upgrade our brain, that default setting of the negativity bias will not serve us well. Quite candidly, that is where most of us are operating from unconsciously throughout our adult lives.

Dr. Hanson was not shy about pointing this out as he discussed his research findings on the July 11th Being Well podcast. Imagine just how dispiriting it is for counselors and therapists to hear that the turbocharged negativity bias of our brains is one of the toughest roadblocks for our quality of life, for healing from trauma, for personal growth and building core inner strengths.

And yet — it is also the most profound pivot for all of us. Positive Neuroplasticity! We can embrace our capacity to deliberately upgrade and grow a bumper crop of inner strengths.

Dr. Rick Hanson partnered with the Greater Good Science Center in Berkley, CA, along with other esteemed peers to do this research study. His excitement for this new discovery is contagious and encouraging. Dr. Hanson has spent his life dedicated to melding neuroscience and psychology to help us live happier, healthier lives in alignment with our potential and our values. This transformational discovery about how we can deliberately “active and install” a positive upgrade in our most amazing brains is going to have a huge impact on mental health treatments and services.

In a few days, I will share another blog post that details the steps in the HEAL method that Dr. Hanson teaches for us to activate and install our brain upgrades. It is my hope that you will find this new neuroscience breakthrough as dynamic as I do — and that you will take the time to listen to the lively discussion about it in the Being Well episode I’ve linked below.

Who’s ready for a transformational positivity upgrade?

RECOMMENDED RESOURCES:

JOURNAL OF POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGY – RESEARCH WHITE PAPER BY DR. RICK HANSON: “LEARNING TO LEARN FROM POSITIVE EXPERIENCES”

https://www.rickhanson.net/learning-to-learn-from-positive-experiences/

It has been nothing short of remarkable to witness the transformational changes in my friends as they have been embracing self discovery and personal growth. A few friends proactively embarked on their journey due to a feeling of discontent or because life through them a curveball. Others were drawn in as they witnessed their friends showing up with more confidence, more energy and passion. No matter the on-ramp, these friends made a commitment to positive changes.

Not surprisingly, their circle of close friends also shifted and began to mirror the qualities and values that support mutual growth. Conversations went deeper which resulted in stronger bonds of trust and connection. It is proof positive that the energy we put out into the world comes back to us.

Elevate your energy, your goals, your curiosity and you soon discover you are drawing “like kinds” onto your path. It’s the law of attraction. It’s also the hot tip that James Clear offers in his book Atomic Habits: surround yourself with the kind of people who possess the attributes and traits you wish to cultivate.

This transformation and the resulting positive shift in family relationships and friendships is a natural progression in the personal growth experience. This had been – and continues to be — my own experience. It is also what fuels my daily practices of self-awareness and personal growth.

I remember being very immersed in Pema Chodrun’s teachings years ago, and two things really stuck with me. The first is that when we commit to doing our personal development work, we make it easier for others to pursue their own. The second is that when you begin to show up differently with family and friends, it will take a while for them to accept those changes; if and when they do, they have the potential to evolve as well.

About two years ago, I wrote about how excited I was that so many of my teachers, authors, mentors and resources were intersecting into the developing space of contemplative neuroscience. Awareness, mindfulness, meditation were becoming integrated into neuroscience, mental health, therapy and personal growth.

Today I am excitedly observing the positive impacts of individual personal development spreading out into communities through the stories my friends are sharing with me. Individually these friends have done a lot of personal growth work; collectively they are making a huge contribution to others as a direct result of their own inner work.

It does not surprise me at all that my friends are change agents. All along they were committed to being helpful, supportive, contributing members of their families, workplaces and communities. The personal growth work that they have done in recent years has served to make them much more skillful, empathetic and magnetic to others. And the others that are seeking them out for guidance are those that are equally committed to positive change.

Perhaps that is the most noteworthy difference — People can sense the groundedness in my friends and they hunger for that peace, calm and authenticity.

Collectively we have experienced several years of uncertainty, disruption, confusion and major challenges. There is a growing interest and need for support, tools and resources to help cope with it all. It is no wonder that the negative stigma once associated with mental health and therapy is rapidly shifting — and the demand for mental health services, counseling and therapy is on the rise.

This is precisely where Pema Chodrun’s two part wisdom is really rising to the surface. With so many people in struggle right now, those who are further along on their personal growth journey are beginning to stand out in the crowd.

Pema’s wisdom coincides with the research of Dr. Bruce Perry and Dr. Dan Siegel. We need relational scaffolding in our families and our communities — now more than ever. This respectful, empathic and non-judgmental scaffolding has been in decline for decades. Unfortunately social media has amplified the disconnection and created more roadblocks to embracing our differences and discovering our shared humanity. As Brené Brown shares with us — it is hard to hate someone close up. Face to face, heart to heart, shared experience conversations are the ones we truly need — these are the ones that build relational scaffolding. Dr. Perry also calls this relational and emotional webbing — and it is an informal and integral part of the mental health support so urgently needed right now.

Several of my friends are business and life coaches. Their businesses are thriving because people are clamoring for better tools and life skills to help them navigate their own intersections of personal life and work life. Because my friends have done so much of their own inner work, they have a sixth sense about behavioral patterns and past traumas that might be unconsciously causing some of the problems. But it is not just their awareness of these potential roadblocks, it is the ease they possess with hearing uncomfortable stories, their tenderness when vulnerabilities are shared, their non-judgment and deep empathy for all that another person is navigating. Major breakthroughs are occurring with their clients because my friends are paving the way, lighting the path and leading by example.

Brene Brown’s Dare to Lead certification program is built on this premise — Do the brave work, have the hard conversations, lead with whole hearts (aka shared humanity). In his compelling new book, The Four Pivots, Dr. Shawn Ginwright draws a very connected line to our own inner work and the relationship it has to transcending and transforming our collective systemic problems.

As Pema Chodrun says, we have to know ourselves well before we can truly begin to know others. It is our own inner work that expands our capacity to be fully present with others and to be able to listen to understand. We shed our old behaviors, beliefs and armor that prevented us from being better listeners — and we have more bandwidth to not let our own experiences distract us from learning from another’s different experience.

This is another noteworthy observation — those who know themselves well often are more comfortable with paradox, they are able to be with tension of opposing ideas and experiences and find the common thread.

It is not only my friends who are professionals in coaching and counseling, it is also those who do compromise the community scaffolding that Dr. Perry and Dr. Seigel espouse. People just like me who are practicing self awareness and personal development in a committed way. My book club friends, my longtime friends and some new acquaintances support each other on our journey. We share our favorite resources including books and podcasts and we have a lot of long, deep conversations. We learn so much from each other’s stories and we expand our capacity and curiosity as a result of the diversity of other’s trials and tribulations.

We support each other with breaking old habits, are growing more comfortable with holding each other accountable to our desired goals and the new habits, patterns and responses that will get us there. We often remind each other of how far we have come on our journey. We encourage, we listen, we hold space and withhold judgment.

As my friend Diane Brandt would say “the blessings go both ways” in these relationships. It is true that even a seasoned personal growth student will learn something new when they are supporting another person in their healing and growth. This is the “mirror” work that Dr. Shawn Ginwright emphasizes in his book, The Four Pivots.

Over the past year or so, I have witnessed that as my friends are showing up quite differently in life through their own personal growth journey, they are also attracting new people into their friendships and community endeavors. They delight in sharing with me the deeper, richer and even more challenging conversations they have with both old friends and new. My friends are sharing their personal experiences of mindfulness and awareness with others. They are offering all kinds of resources and wisdom to those who express an interest in their own personal development.

As I reflect on where we all started on our journey and where we are today, I am filled with a renewed sense of hope and optimism for the future. My friends and I represent a thin slice of what is happening all over the globe as people are realizing that change is most definitely in order. For every single one of us who commits to cultivating more self awareness and doing our own work with a growth mindset, we are planting seeds of positive change in the hearts and minds of others. I am seeing this in action, in a microcosm of my circle of friends and family. Small actions, done consistently over time compound in the most transformational ways. We all can make a meaningful difference.

RECOMMENDED RESOURCES:

Hugh Jackman shared a personal experience about meeting up his longtime friend after a few months of being apart — and noticing almost immediately that something about him was strikingly different. “Whatever it is that he has, I want it, ” Hugh thought to himself.

Hugh Jackman was a featured speaker on the last day of a 4 day summit that I participated in this past week. I was drawn to the summit by the extensive list of presenters and the wide array of resources — all under the heading of “The Healing Power of Relationships.” While most of the presenters were experts in their fields of neuroscience, mindfulness and meditation, trauma and childhood development, Hugh was “one of us” — an eager student of personal growth.

If you are a fan of Hugh Jackman through his various acting roles, you are probably drawn to his charisma, talents and easy going personality. Trust me, if you had witnessed him sharing his personal stories and his self-discoveries so vulnerably in this summit, you would be an even bigger fan. A fan of another human being that is evolving into the best version of himself — and inspiring others to do the same. Just as his longtime friend did for him.

You see, that “difference” that Hugh was seeing and feeling emanating from his friend was this grounded sense of calm and authenticity. Hugh’s friend explained to him that he’d been working with a therapist, Terry Real, and that it had been a game-changer for him. Hugh was all in.

Take note — it wasn’t that there was a major crisis that prompted Hugh to meet with Terry. It was seeing a change in his friend that inspired him. This is not at all surprising. It becomes very evident to others when we’ve undergone a significant change, especially when it is related to personal growth. The secret: it’s co-regulation.

When you are in the presence of someone who is calm, has good energy and an innate sense of empathy, you feel it. In fact, those attributes will bring you into alignment with them. Of course, you’d have to be paying attention to consciously recognize it, but there’s no doubt that your heart rate would slow and any tension you were feeling would dissipate somewhat. That’s co-regulation.

This works in reverse too. Frenzied, disregulated energy is super magnetic and stickier than fly paper. A toddler throwing a a temper tantrum and an agitated parent rarely leads to a quick deescalation.

What Hugh Jackman learned as he took a deep dive into self awareness and personal growth with Terry Real is that our relationships and experiences have impacted us all throughout our lifetimes. Unbeknownst to us, some of that emotional baggage and the habits we’ve developed actually weigh us down, distract us and even set us off on a wrong course. Furthermore, we are learning that some of the age-old parenting models and myths we were raised on were wrong. We can thank neurobiology, neuroscience and psychology for these transformational breakthroughs.

Hugh was quite honest about what he discovered and uncovered about himself through his sessions with Terry. Things that surprised him, things that didn’t really surprise him but were hard to reconcile, ways he was responding to life that created the anxieties he was trying to avoid. The truth is that to get to that place of authenticity and grounded calmness, it is necessary to discard what isn’t working. We literally can “lighten up”.

When we drop the armor we use to protect ourselves, unpack the habits and behaviors that aren’t matching the adult we want to be, and realize that old myths were so wrong — that’s when our true authentic selves get to come out and flourish.

Hugh Jackman was most enthusiastic about how his life has changed for the better since working with Terry. He’s more present in his daily life, more relaxed and fluid with his time and creativity, deepening his relationships with his wife, his kids and his friends (especially his male friends). He wants to spread the word about the game-changing, transformational benefits of personal growth work and the healing power of our heathy relationships. His participation as a guest in this 4 day summit was testament to his commitment to inspire others.

I’ve shared in prior posts a few of the things we got wrong that may have pre-disposed us to developing habits that have not served us well: Believing that showing vulnerability was weakness, that we should live a life without reflecting on regrets, or that “sucking it up”, “pushing through” our emotions was the best way to move on after heartbreak or adversity.

A big myth for men was that they should not show “feminine” emotions. While “anger” was perceived as acceptable and manly, “sensitive or crying” was not. This melted over into parenting and we believed that soothing our little boys when they were scared or hurt would turn them into sissies.

Dr. Dan Siegel was instrumental in blowing the lid off both of these harmful misconceptions. Children, regardless of gender, need to be soothed and supported when they are scared or hurt. In fact, we actually help to build their grit and resilience by being proactive in acknowledging what they are feeling and assuring them. This proactive approach also helps a child develop empathy and compassion for others. Bullying, entitlement and power struggles are rooted in a lack of empathy.

As for our wide array of human emotions, both Dr. Siegel and Dr. Bruce Perry reinforce the importance of learning how to be with our emotions, to process and learn from them and respond in an appropriate way. Naming emotions helps our children create emotional agility and self-regulation. Stuffing or dismissing emotions only puts them in a dark closet that will eventually spring open and cause major havoc.

Generations of men were incorrectly taught that vulnerability is weakness and showing emotions is unmanly. Is it any wonder that men may have a hard time showing empathy, struggle with emotional regulation, and deal with confusion when they are hurting or fearful. Not to mention all the challenges they face when trying to navigate the emotional landscape of their partners and children.

Gender simply does not matter when it comes to emotions, vulnerability, empathy and connection. What does matter is teaching ourselves and our children the skills and tools to better understand how our emotions, vulnerability, empathy and innate need for connection are instrumental for our healthy relationships.

This brings me back to co-regulation. Many of us grew up in homes that did not have a lot of positive co-regulation. Because prior generations of parents did not have the knowledge and resources we have today, there were many disregulated emotions and unhealthy parenting practices. We grew up vowing not to behave like our parents, but without an awareness of the root causes of so much confusion and dysfunction.

During the 4 day summit there was a fair amount of time given to both big T and little t trauma in childhood. We all developed some form of adaptive child behavioral patterns when we were little. With young developing brains and limited language, we developed habits to help us make sense of what was happening in our lives. Terry Real shares that we just did not have the capabilities of a fully developed prefrontal cortex to help us.

Yet all too often, we are still constrained by those adaptive childhood patterns. We are simply unaware that we are confined by these childhood patterns; things like people-pleasing, conflict avoiding, perfectionism, hyper vigilance and anxiety. This is where a counselor, therapist or even a trusted friend can really be of value. Once we become aware of these adaptive child patterns, we can begin to break old habits and move into the freedom of truly being ourselves. I have a feeling that this is also what Hugh was witnessing when he saw the transformation in his friend.

When we shed those old patterns and step into our fuller selves, it is so amazing. No longer encumbered, we can readily identify our needs, set boundaries, stop excessive worrying and time travel. We can truly feel comfortable in our own skin. We can be more fully present.

Grounded confidence comes from knowing ourselves well. This creates an inner calmness. Eliminating patterns that were distracting brings a lot more clarity and sharpens self-awareness. Learning to have compassion for ourselves fosters empathy for others.

When we know ourselves well, we have a much clearer lens with which to see others. It makes it so much easier for others to be vulnerable, and show up as their true selves. Our connection with others can deepen because we are open now — to listening to understand (rather than defend or respond), to be curious rather than judgmental and to be empathetic to what they are feeling (even if it quite different from our own experiences). This is co-regulation. We meet others where they are.

Hugh Jackman shared that he is part of a men’s group that is committed to personal growth work and supporting each other through all aspects of their lives. His friend that introduced him to Terry Real is very quick to “see through” an “I’m OK” response from a buddy and is fearless about going deeper to support his friend. Together, they have forged the relational scaffolding that Dr. Bruce Perry advocates for — the empathetic emotional support we all need to survive and thrive.

What I am so inspired by is the number of men who are embracing personal growth work, cultivating more self awareness and recognizing that old paradigms are relics of the past. These are the men that are proactively involved in raising their sons and daughters with equanimity.

Definition of equanimity: mental calmness, composure and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation.

Recommended Resources:

You can watch Hugh Jackman’s interview — it begins at hour 6 on this YouTube presentation (Day 4)