The more I listen to Dr. Peter Attia sharing his personal stories as he makes the rounds on the launch of his book, Outlive, the more aware I become of the need for us to completely revamp the job description of our inner critic.
Dr. Attia came to know his inner critic more intimately when he was facing the reality of his failing marriage. Everything that he was pouring hours and years into creating that supposedly defined a “happy” life, was crumbling because his inner critic would harshly chastise him multiple times a day. He referred to his inner critic as “Bobby Knight”. Bobby Knight was the famous college basketball coach with a fiery temperament. In spite of all Peter Attia’s discipline, motivation and hardwork, the internal messaging that was on repeat was ripping him to shreds for anything less than perfection.
Our inner critic is always with us, much like our shadow – but we aren’t consciously aware of the impact that it’s having on us, day in and day out. Is it any wonder that the old saying “we are what we believe” leaves us so confused.
We believe that we are doing what it takes to create a good life. Outwardly we work so hard to build that life, checking all the boxes and stockpiling our achievements. And all the while, our inner voice reminds us of where we are falling short, are not good enough, could do better, don’t have what it takes. No wonder we are left feeling dissatisfied and discontent. There’s an unconscious, internal tug of war between what we are doing and what our inner critic is telling us.
As unfortunate as it is, Dr. Peter Attia believes that it takes a crisis to shake us up and open our eyes to the fact that we are getting in our own way through actions and behaviors that are hurtful – to ourselves and others.
What we are discovering is that our inner critic is playing a key role in our emotional health.
Our inner critic is an historian, educated on the messaging we received from parents and caregivers when we were kids; and fed a steady diet of the limiting beliefs we actually had about ourselves. For good measure, our inner critic loves to look for proof that all these negative attributes are true. Our inner critic is the grand collector of self-fulfilling prophecies.
I believe that Dr. Attia is really onto something. I think he has discovered a major entry point for personal growth and self discovery. In his recent conversation with Dan Harris on the Ten Percent Happier Podcast, Peter Attia offers that we need to do an honest appraisal of the quality of our relationships — and if those relationships are in struggle — it would behoove us to be candidly honest about that appraisal. This means taking a long hard look at how we are showing up for those we love.
Ironically, that starts with how we are showing up for ourselves first and foremost. If our inner critic is bringing us down and keeping us tethered to our past, it is time for an exit interview. We need an inner critic who is on our team. We need to become our own best friend.
Before you cringe at this idea, think about what you want to be instilling in your children and grandchildren. You would never want them to have an inner voice that shreds their self esteem, reminds them that aren’t good at something, or berates them for making mistakes.
Yet this is exactly what our own inner critics do — because we were labeled when we were kids because of our emotions and behaviors. And those labels got baked into our nervous system, our personal belief system and our developing brains. Here’s the pivot: Our emotions should have been labeled when we were little, not us.
So the entry point for our self discovery just might be getting to know our inner critic intimately and giving our inner critic a long overdue performance review. Once we begin to unpack all the negative messaging that we are fed by our inner critic, we can see how we so often are getting in our way. All the effort in the world isn’t going to move the needle in our emotional health if we stay stuck in those old negative self-talk loops.
Dr. Attia was taught during his three week counseling program in Phoenix, Arizona, to disengage from his Bobby Knight inner critic and recruit a “best friend” instead. He was instructed to stop whenever he heard Bobby Knight showing up with his usual fiery vitriol and turn on the VoiceMemo app on his phone – and talk to himself as he would a valued friend. Dr. Attia noted that he’d have to do this at least five times a day. That is how often he was hearing highly critical, harsh negative commentary.
To ensure that he was sticking to the protocol, Dr. Attia would have to forward those voice memo recordings to his therapist. It took him about 4 months of this daily commitment to fully release Bobby Knight, the harsh critic. Dr. Attia readily shares that he has turned his life around – and firing Bobby Knight was instrumental in that transformation.
There are a lot of different portals for us to dig deeper into personal growth and self discovery, but perhaps one of the fastest and most effective is to have that candid performance appraisal with our inner critic. It is truly astounding how much time and attention we actually give to our inner critic who is the least likely to be supportive and helpful. Our spouses, kids and friends can be showing up for us in meaningful, compassionate and empathic ways but the voice in our head drowns out all that good stuff. That internal tug of war is exhausting and can have very negative consequences on our relationships.
We can be surrounded by people who truly love us, who want the best for us and would literally move mountains to help us find contentment, fulfillment and joy. But if we are letting our inner critic have the last word and take up all the oxygen in the room, we are undermining all their efforts and our own.
It’s time for a new title and job description for that old unhelpful inner critic. It can be your inner voice, inner best friend, inner team captain — and the job description is to support you with self-compassion, self-awareness and self-love.
Jordan Peterson, Professor of Psychology at University of Toronto (and good friend of Malcolm Gladwell) offers this sage advice: “Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping.“
If you need a little help to frame out what attributes you want your inner best friend to have just think about what you would want for your kids. What do you want their inner voice to be telling them as they grow forward through life?
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