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Do you ever find yourself going along with something even though your heart is not in it?  Are you agreeing to things just to keep the peace?  Are you not speaking up for yourself for fear of criticism or backlash?

Too often when we take the path of least resistance, it doesn’t actually serve us well in the long run.  When we take the time to truly understand what our resistance is trying to tell us, we gain invaluable information about ourselves.   Armed with this personal awareness, we can make better choices and communicate honestly with others without an emotion overload.

The path of least resistance comes in many forms such as procrastination, inaction, avoidance, and acquiescing.  We might be trying to avoid fear, rejection, a needless argument or criticism.

Sometimes we find ourselves choosing the path of least resistance with someone believing that if we just go along, they will be happy and peace will be restored.   If it’s not a big deal and we aren’t stuffing uneasy feelings to restore peace, that’s probably ok.  However when we find ourselves frequently in the same uncomfortable pattern,  it’s time to pay attention.

That resistance you feel is chock full of valuable information.   Take time to reflect on the situation and be honest with yourself about how YOU are really feeling.   Just as importantly, get clear about your own needs and values.

My discovery was realizing that when I took the path of least resistance, I often was abandoning a personal boundary.  Ultimately I was disappointed with myself and resentful of the person I was placating.     We weren’t making any forward progress with an issue or with our relationship.   Neither of us was sustainably happy which is why the same old pattern would repeat itself.  The path of least resistance was a dead end street.

We are prone to say or do things that are hurtful and detrimental to another especially when we are in a disagreement or stressful situation — or if we have held something in for far too long. It’s not a true reflection of who we are and it certainly isn’t helpful to others for whom we genuinely care.

If you choose the path of least resistance and ignore your feelings, you are compounding the problem.  Maintaining healthy boundaries frees you from holding things in that most definitely will affect you, both now and later.

Mindfulness has been so beneficial in getting to really know myself and what I need to feel safe, respected and fulfilled.   I’m pushing myself out of an old non-productive comfort zone and am now expressing my needs to others in a direct and honest way.   Turns out when I was feeling unappreciated or disrespected, I was actually allowing it.

An added benefit of paying closer attention to my own resistance is gaining greater insight into what others resist.  I’m striving to be a better, more compassionate listener.  Helping someone identify what is at the core of their discontent is personally rewarding.  So many times we are on overload with life’s stresses and distractions, it’s hard to discern what the real problem might be.  Taking time to ask open ended questions and really listening with empathy often yields surprising observations.  Better yet, it can also provide some remarkable resolutions to misunderstandings.

To help me with improved communication skills, I turned to one of my favorite resources – Gaia.com and found a seminar series with Nicolai Bachman that provided helpful advice.

At the core of his message is this axiom — Always strive to be helpful and productive in your communications.  Nicolai reminds us to be aware of how we talk and how we listen to avoid being hurtful and detrimental.  

Nicolai offers these simple guidelines for our conversations:

• Don’t be afraid of the truth.
• Mean what you say and say what you mean.
• Strive for clear unbiased perspective.
• Inner happiness drives outer behavior.

Sometimes we say yes to activities or people when our hearts aren’t really in it. We won’t be fully present for the experience and our companions if that is the case.  It’s okay to say no and it’s even better if you can honestly share your feelings for your decision.

Recently, a dear friend and I were deep in conversation about how we often say yes to things that we really don’t want to do, but find it hard to say no.  I shared with her something that I had read that helps me now when confronted with this dilemma — “If the answer isn’t a resounding “hell, yes!” then it is not for me!

Helpful Resources:

Gaia.com – Yoga Lifestyles section – Nicolai Bachman’s Introduction to Yoga Sutras (including Non-Violent Communication)

The Art of Communication by Thich Nhat Hanh

When life just isn’t going our way, do we react or respond?

Life throws stuff at us every day that makes us feel out of control. If we are exhausted from lack of sleep, stressed out about work, or overwhelmed with kids, laundry and housework, we are probably going to lose it! We yell at our spouse for being inconsiderate, honk the car horn repeatedly at the jerk who’s blocking traffic, send the kids to time out.

When life isn’t cooperating with us, we tend to try to control the situation to make it the way WE want it to be. We habitually activate our need for control and power when we feel discounted or insecure. Often when we try to control the situation, we do get some temporary cooperation, but overtime it undermines the long-term benefits of resolving an ongoing issue in a positive way.

Next thing you know, the same old problem keeps cropping up and we get more deeply invested in having things go OUR way, creating a chasm in our relationships and hurting people we love.

In my recent post “Patterns and Positivity” I shared insights that have been helping me become more aware of my habitual reactions and finding a fresh perspective to age-old behavioral patterns and conflicts.  It’s not surprising that a new attitude goes a long way when we try to work out our differences with others.

The hardest part is taking that deep breath and reminding yourself not to be so hasty to react when you are in the heat of the moment.

I have often been too quick to blurt out something and even it if was well-intentioned, the words I chose were not the right words and certainly my agitated tone contributed to a huge miscommunication.

It would be great to be given a mulligan in that moment so that I could reframe my response to match my true intentions. In hindsight, I often come up with a much better way to express myself. Coincidentally that usually happens when I’ve cooled off from the heated emotions and can see things from a bigger perspective.

Admittedly, I often get confused myself at how things get so crazy sometimes. I know in my heart that I really love someone and want nothing but the best for them. Yet in my efforts to help them while simultaneously respecting myself, it doesn’t feel like love and common ground at all.

At the heart of the matter is attitude and awareness — Being mindful of our attitude and being fully aware in the present moment.

Viktor Frankl (legendary psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor) observed this in the most profound way:

“We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number but they offered sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing — the last of his human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

Having control of our attitude, awareness and responses is empowerment — and that is much more beneficial in resolving conflict than evoking power by being controlling or judgmental.

When we try to grasp control, we do damage to our relationships, often hurting someone we love. It’s really in direct conflict with what we want. We may “win” in the moment by being using intimidation, guilt or punishment. Over the long haul, we are getting further and further away from what we really need and want. Our reactive behaviors might be pushing away the love, respect and happiness we are really seeking.

If you find that there are constant battles with your child, a spouse or a friend, might there be a better long term resolution? A fresh perspective and an approachable demeanor just might open up a healthy dialogue. Try putting yourself in the other’s shoes and let go of personal attachment. You may be surprised at what you discover — about yourself and the other person too.

Look for patterns in your relationships and give yourself some time to sit with your own frustrations, angers and resentments. Bring mindfulness and compassion to where you get stuck. It’s human nature to feel the need to control when we feel disconnected and separate. We go on auto pilot wanting to defend ourselves to have less pain or gain more pleasure. Invest some quality time in getting to really know yourself and what sets you off.

We can’t change the flow of life yet we can change our attitude. If we can practice being less reactive and more responsive along with that new attitude, it is sure to yield a better result for everyone. Less conflict, more joy — sounds good to me.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.                         

                                                                  — Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning