Last Thursday, on Election Day morning, my daughter commented on how so many people she knew were so anxious and distraught on that day. She looked at me and said “But not you, mom.” It is in moments like this that I am grateful for the wisdom that comes from 68 years of life. I reminded her that for decades, we have lived through political storms and changing administrations. Daily life goes on and it is that precious rhythm of raising children, going to work, and running a household that provides the ballast. We laughed because this whole year has been nothing but uncertainty and we are making it work. We can do hard things. We just don’t have to make them harder by over-stressing about things we have no control over.
One day I was showing my young grandchildren an Inspiring Land and Sea video on my Headspace app and when they saw the manatee floating so peacefully above the ocean floor, they laughed and said “That’s you, Gigi — so calm!” I sometimes tease them that one of my superpowers is staying calm, so their sweet reaction felt like an affirmation.
Cultivating a genuine calmness that I could rely upon didn’t happen overnight. I had to get to the bottom of what was getting in my way — like old triggers and racing thoughts. Patience is definitely a big component of calmness and while I once perceived my natural tendency to be patient as a gift, I came to realize my patience had a few snags. One was that I was prone to stuffing my emotions. And thanks to the Enneagram, I discovered that I was far too often focused on others and ignoring my own needs. So I had an overdeveloped level of patience with others and a pressure cooker of stuffed emotions simmering inside of me. A surefire recipe for disaster when it came to unwavering calm.
Self-discovery and awareness have freed me from those old pitfalls. Unfortunately there are no short-cuts or magic wands. Like most things worth pursuing, it takes commitment and a lot of practice. But I could feel those changes becoming easier over time and eventually I had a newfound core of calm — a reliable and trustworthy resource for myself.
My daughter recently shared with me that she is a benefactor of my calmness, my patience and my insights.. When she told me this, I recalled Pema Chodrun teaches that when we do the work to develop better responses to life, we not only help ourselves but we also have a positive impact on those around us. These confirmations are a testament to her teachings.
Five years ago, I began to pursue some meaningful personal changes so that I would be better prepared to handle whatever life had in store. I could never have imagined a year like 2020 has been. All I know is I am incredibly grateful for doing the work and reaping its many benefits in a year that doled out uncertainty with abandon.
Check out these dynamic resources for more inspiration:
Our national election is less than two months away and I find myself reflecting on present and future much like I would a birthday milestone. What is working well? What needs to change? How will the future look if we stay the same course?
In the preface of Brene Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection she imparts what she’s learned from almost two decades of research: “Once you see a pattern, you can’t un-see it. When the same truth keeps repeating itself, it’s hard to pretend that it’s just a coincidence.”
This is the first time we have ever had a President use Twitter as his primary source of communication. We have all seen and experienced his behavioral patterns as a direct result of his propensity for social media. Even some of his most ardent supporters have acknowledged that he is impulsive, easily triggered and thrives in creating chaos. Often when someone disagrees with him, he fires back with insults — or he actually fires them. He uses dehumanizing language for groups of people and petty nicknames for people he dislikes. I would not have tolerated this behavior in my teenaged sons. The bar on dignity and decency has been lowered. His pattern has remained constant for almost 4 years and is likely to go unchanged because it goes unchecked. We can’t avoid being impacted by it since it dominates every social media outlet, news cycle and even late night shows. While his behavioral patterns are effective in garnering him the attention he desires, it is exhausting for us to be bombarded with it from morning to night. The President is actually capturing more of our attention than the legitimate conversations we should be having to resolve ongoing complex issues. Perhaps the most revealing insight about his entrenched behavioral patterns is how predictable they are — to us– his constituents –and to the rest of the world too.
It is his choice to continually amplify his behavioral patterns that suggest both a lack of emotional regulation and self-awareness.
Without self-awareness and the ability to manage our emotions, we often unknowingly lead from hurt, not heart. Not only is this a huge energy suck for us and the people around us, it creates distrust, disengagement, and an eggshell culture.@brenébrown
For some time now, I have wondered aloud why we hold our leaders accountable to different standards based solely on party affiliation. We can’t turn a blind eye and offer an excuse to a Republican leader if we condemn a Democratic leader for similar actions or deeds (and vice versa) Our lens should be crystal clear and in line with core values regardless of party affiliation. What keeps me up at night is fearing that we have normalized how we process truth thru the filter of party affiliation. This country will continue to flip flop our way into the future and into an abyss if we persist with this double standard. I’m confident that if a Democratic president had said or done some of things that Trump has, the reaction would be remarkably different. If I am wrong about that, then I am really frightened for our future.
In mindfulness we are taught to flip a situation and observe it just as we ordinarily would. This technique offers a fresh perspective and is a true litmus test for judgment and bias. Condoning the actions of one party and condemning the very same actions in the opposing party, is a classic example of the impact of judgment and bias when we use a party filter.
We seem to have lost respect and regard for the value of a bipartisan approach to leading our country. No one person and neither party has all the answers. Pitting us against each other and claiming one party is right and the other is all wrong is really getting old and we are losing traction. We are and always have been a diverse country with complex issues. We should be able to acknowledge and accept reality and start finding common ground.
It is nearly impossible not to have an acute awareness of the role divisiveness is playing in our country today. On 9-11-2001, I was in Scottsdale, Arizona where my husband was a key host for a major international banking conference. I witnessed firsthand the unfolding of the unified American spirit as my late husband and I drove across this great country from Arizona to Pennsylvania over the course of three days. That devastating tragedy brought us together in profound ways and we vowed never to forget.
This year our country faced another major crisis with the COVID-19 worldwide pandemic. Oddly enough this crisis drove a wedge right through the heart of our great nation and divided us. It found our Achilles heel — political division.
Recently on 60 minutes, H. R. McMaster pointed out that the Chinese have been emboldened by the divisions in U.S. politics and the Russians similarly see opportunities at this moment. If the President really wanted to send a strong message to China about the strength and tenacity of our country, perhaps a different tact could have been deployed for our national response to COVID.
There was no unifying message, no universal plan of action. Blaming, confusion and wishful thinking left us to our own devices, state by state and individually. Politics found its way into every conversation around the pandemic and subsequent quarantine – from wearing masks to protests at state capitols and blaming governors on both sides for the decisions they made. Back in early March, we all had high hopes that come September we would be returning to our old familar routines. Such is not the case. Back in March I also naively believed that we had the potential to successfully deal with the pandemic and in turn reach out as a source of support and guidance for the rest of the world. Six months into this, we are country in a state of confusion and conflict. We are red, blue and bruised.
Political division not only has us fighting each other, we are fighting forward progress. This deserves serious attention.
Collectively we are all weary…. from 6 months of quarantine, almost 4 years of non-stop streaming over the latest tweet or move the President has made, from sadnesss over nearly 200,000 deaths of our fellow citizens, endless anxiety over racial injustices, political power plays, raging wildfires, blustering hurricanes and the ongoing uncertainty of our country’s direction.
We can’t be at our best under these conditions. We can’t be clear-minded, resourceful and resilient. And we need to be — because there will be yet another crisis to face – there always is. This is life.
Our elected officials at every level should be held accountable to a standard that serves our unified best interests for the present and our future. Compromise and courage go hand in hand. No company with a multi-generational history would have survived without sound leadership and a successful business succession plan. Our country deserves no less. We deserve no less.
When our children and grandchildren ask us years from now what we did in this moment in our history, what we were thinking, what mattered long term, how did we contribute — what will our answers be?
Resources worth reading and watching for some serious reflection:
I never thought that I would be expanding my blog posts to touch on the much bigger landscape of our current state of affairs. Yet here I am, using this framework to stretch the canvas and add more brushstrokes. This is my canvas and I have human stories to tell.
My first post in this series was Hearts and Minds Open — about giving ourselves some peaceful quiet to find our center — our core values, integrity, and yes, our big visions for what our future holds. I believe that it is from the space of quiet contemplation we can challenge ourselves each day to ask if our actions, our responses, our posts are supporting a better tomorrow. Not just for ourselves but for everyone.
As I scrolled through Facebook yesterday, I landed on a post about an upcoming date to boycott the NFL and football. As I read the shared post, tears started streaming down my face. It painted a picture that smacks of the blatant racism. Taken at face value, I can see why so many people are triggered, get angered and ban together believing that they are displaying true patriotism. But what was represented in that post used only one brush and two colors to paint a very complex story.
Oddly enough this seems like a great segue from my Open Hearts and Minds post. If you were to step back and take a broader perspective, stretching out the canvas, there is so much more to take in.
I would like to paint a textured vivid picture for you, using many colors, many brushes and an enormous canvas. My inspiration for this collage comes from being a part of the NFL life for the past 11 years (my son in law is a professional football player). It is personal to me because I have come to know so many people who comprise the football world. Players, wives, children, parents, siblings. I think of all the people who work in the stadiums and for many of them it is a second or third job. They feel part of a big family and are as motivated by the human connection as they are the paycheck. I have had some of the most thoughtful, heartwarming conversations with security guards, spirited elevator operators, and patient family room childcare staff members. The color of our skin was never an issue. Week to week, our friendships grew as we shared each other’s troubles and joys. The same is true for all the players’ families I have gotten to know over these past 11 years. A precious newborn girl we welcomed in Tampa Bay just turned 10 last year in Chicago. My grandchildren celebrate birthdays and major holidays with their “football family”. They refer to many of many of daddy’s teammates as “uncle.”
It may surprise you to learn that many NFL players have family members who are actively serving in our armed forces. Brothers, sisters, parents, cousins — people they love and respect. Have you thought that when these players unite for an awareness for racism, that it is a call to protect the children of their family members who are serving to protect our country?
When Colin Kapernick took that knee a few years ago, it was a non-threatening plea to have a meaningful, realistic conversation. Imagine how things might be today if we had taken it as an opportunity for change rather than a fist-raising battlecry against patriotism. It was not then and it is not now. It is a heart-wrenching, down-on-my knees plea to protect the very citizens that our armed forces commit to everyday. Doesn’t the irony of this grab you by the heartstrings?
I recently listened to the first two podcasts on John Meacham’s series “It Was Said” — a series on historical speeches with incredible impact. The first was Martin Luther King and the second was Robert Kennedy. As I listened, I was taken back in to my high school years in 1968 when all the racial unrest found us students often locked in bathrooms or auditoriums. What really saddened me is how little progress we have made as a country since 1968. Listening to Martin Luther King and Robert Kennedy evoke empathy, awareness, and a vision fueled by hope and hard work made me long for that kind of messaging. That is how we make America great again — accepting the hard truths, committing to the long term work for change, uniting not dividing.
We have some of the most brilliant minds and whole-hearted people in this country. They are urging us through their books, their podcasts, their discussions to stretch — expand beyond our comfort level and soak in unfiltered, non-biased facts. Our country was built on a two party system because our founders knew that not one person, not one party has all the answers for an ever evolving free nation. Robert Kennedy talks about a bridge over the racial divide in one of his speeches. That’s what we could use right now — a bridge over our troubled waters.
Last night I listened to an interview with Malcolm Gladwell. He articulated what I have come to learn through my own personal development work. He says that he goes back to books he has written a few years ago and realizes that some of his ideas are quite different now because we have evolved (for better or worse). It inspires him — in fact it thrills him — to realize this and it keeps him going, keeps him growing. He embraces change and truth in a positive light — looking for greater opportunities and creative problem solving to reveal themselves.
Please take some quiet time to reflect on your fellow Americans through a broader perspective and an awareness that we are changing. What course corrections do we need in order to pursue a healthier vision for us all?
It Was Said – Podcast series by John Meacham and C13 Originals. A limited documentary podcast series looking back on some of the most powerful, impactful and timeless speeches in American History. Available on Spotify and all the places you personally listen to podcasts.
I’m reminded this morning of the Apostles Creed …”may the peace which passes all understanding, keep your hearts and minds open”.
As a young mother sitting in church with my three children, I found those words comforting but I probably just recited them mindlessly.
When I embarked on a life change 5 years ago, I wrote in my journal that peace was my priority. I was exhausted from the myriad of ways that peace was disrupted and often over trivial matters. Preserving my energy for the big stuff that life was bound to throw at me became a priority.
I have learned through much work that peace resides inside of me … and when I calm my racing thoughts, when I anchor myself with my values…. I give myself peace even in the midst of unfolding chaos. It is from this space that I can choose how to show up — for myself and others.
This was the most critical and necessary work I have done in my life. The big surprise was that in getting to know myself better, in finding some peace and more quiet space, I came to have greater compassion and empathy for others.
There is a foggy haze that blinds us when life is always stirred up, swirling in negative energy, too much noise. It is nearly impossible to hear what another is telling us amidst all the commotion. It is equally hard to see —with our eyes, our creative brains, and our hearts — what is at the root of the problems with that foggy haze of chaos.
I am feeling the metaphors of our collective experiences calling to me today. The Arizona sky has been hazy and blurred by the heavy smoke of raging fires from far away. Phones and iPads stream and scream in all caps all day long — like a ticker tape in Times Square . So much negative energy emanates from the body language and reactive emotions of others on TV and in our streets that wire cutters are needed just to walk through it.
My heart is aching every day for each and every person on this planet who is facing whatever their own indIvidual life situation might be. The state of our union amplifies their struggles and diminishes their joy.
We need a rest break. We need silence, space… a little peace.
Sometimes I discover a rich nugget of wisdom that seems to keep finding its way to me — a common thread that weaves itself in books, movies, songs and even the news. The nugget of wisdom that keeps appearing recently is “paradox”.
The wisdom of paradox — the ability to hold two seemingly opposite positions at the same time –– first landed on me as I read Richard Rohr’s book, Falling Upward. It resonated with me so deeply because of the current combination of complex, competing issues facing our country. It seems as if we are facing multiple paradoxes and we could use a lot of help with the tension.
Richard Rohr encourages us to experience the paradox in our lives as a way of “holdingcreative tension.” He offers this observation: “We are better at rushing to judgment and demanding a complete resolution to things before we have learned what they have to teach us.”
Just sit with that for a moment. It is a real life recognition of knee jerk reactions and falling into habitual responses and behavioral patterns that simply aren’t working anymore. This is incredibly evident in the constant stream of instant responses to current events that land on social media even as the news is still breaking. Long before we even have all the facts. Long before we give ourselves time to examine it from all sides free from bias and automatic judgments.
I used to ask my kids as teenagers and young adults, “What have you learned from this experience? ” They were not big fans of this question, preferring a minor reprimand or loss of privilege to the harder task of actually thinking about the consequences of an action or decision. While that may be a reasonable preference as a young adult, it is what Richard Rohr calls to our attention as we mature. Our paradox as older and hopefully wiser adults is to be able to sit with the reality of a current situation and process it in a responsible, respectful, more reflective way.
Richard Rohr is also a big proponent of the Enneagram as a tool for self-discovery and greater self awareness. Although he does not reference the Enneagram directly in his book Falling Upward, he does stress the value of being self-aware. He stresses that as we mature and gain wisdom from our fallings and our failings, we may realize that behavioral patterns that served us well when we were younger are no longer effective. In fact, they may be roadblocks in our lives. It’s ironic that we expect our young children to move out of their emotional stages as they grow, but rarely as adults do we measure our own progress with emotional intelligence.
The paradox that seems to reveal itself is one of both “self-awareness” and “other awareness”. Both Richard Rohr and Brene Brown teach that this is where we find compassion and empathy — for ourselves and for others. The creative tension is recognizing that (a) there is a legitimate problem or an issue that needs to be addressed and (b) that we bring differing perspectives, opinions and emotions to the discussion and (c) that we will gain traction in problem resolution when we let go of blaming and denial, of playing the role of victim or demoting others and (d) we will move toward finding solutions when we listen to each other with respect and without judgment.
I found Richard’s assessment of those who have grown in wisdom, age and grace to be one of the most beautiful examples of paradox: “Mature people are not “either or thinkers”, but they bathe in the ocean of “both-and.”“
In late August, Brene Brown posted on her Facebook page about the paradox of “straddling the tension and trying not to tap out. Forever convincing ourselves that we can hold so many contradictory pieces and feelings.” Wow – that really struck a chord as I reflected on the many struggles that friends and family are juggling as this pandemic stretches into a new school year. There are so many changes that young families must deal with and each member of the family has a range of emotions and insecurities that ebb and flow throughout the day. The paradox of parenting in the current environment takes creative tension to a whole new level. More than ever we need to be kind and patient with each other.
Brene reminds us that “not only are tension and contradictory pieces OK and normal, they are the magic sauce.” It may not feel that way in a stress filled moment, but I think this accompanying quote from her describes the paradox of parenthood perfectly.
Now that I have been paying closer attention to the word paradox, I am discovering that paradoxes appear everywhere. In fact, in my book club we actively discuss them in the best possible way — with a keen interest in learning more by sharing different perspectives and keeping an open mind. My base of knowledge on complex subjects has expanded exponentially. We are sparking creative conversations and motivating each other to read more, research more and to ask compelling questions.
Life is full of many paradoxes and we would be doing the world a great service to become aware of them — and to hold those opposing ideas with grace, maturity, and integrity.
Every now and again, I come across something that just blows my curious mind in the best possible way. That is exactly how I’m feeling about the Enneagram. What a dynamic tool for lifelong self discovery and enriching personal relationships with others.
In a recent post I shared Beatrice Chestnut’s book, The Complete Enneagram and how it truly was a personal owner’s manual for each of us. Since then I have also read Ian Morgan Cron’s incredible book, The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery.
I found his book so fascinating that I sent copies to a few friends with a note telling them that I laughed out loud at some insights and cried at others. I was sure they’d have a similar experience as they read more about their own Enneagram type.
Ian Morgan Cron has a popular podcast called Typology https://www.typologypodcast.com featuring a broad diversity of guests who help “explore the mysteries of the human personality” and help us re-discover our most authentic selves.
At the onset of the quarantine due to the COVID-19 pandemic, Ian did a whole series on each Enneagram Type and Stress. The podcasts were short in duration and long in helpful personalized advice for navigating anxiety during this time of great uncertainty.
In a subsequent series, he dedicated his teachings to the Enneagram and Parenting. I found the series to be so enlightening that I posted it on Facebook and shared links with my family. Who doesn’t benefit from solid parenting advice especially in the midst of COVID when so much about our daily routines have changed significantly?
I’ll often scroll through Ian’s podcast library to find topics and guests that might have answers to current questions I am pondering, or to gain deeper wisdom about my own type or that of a friend or family member. To my delight, I recently found one featuring Beatrice Chestnut, who is one of the foremost authorities on the Enneagram — and she just happens to be a Type 2 like me. Her knowledge and personal experience was revelational for me.
Father Richard Rohr is often credited with bringing the Enneagram to the general population decades ago when he offered 10 cassette tapes about the Enneagram. As he tells it, it was the first time people were hearing a voice explaining the value and wisdom of the Enneagram. I have listened to many of Father Rohr’s own podcasts about the Enneagram. His soothing voice and grounded genuine approach shed a lot of light on human nature, learned behavioral patterns and our blind spots (those places where we get in our own way and stunt our personal growth).
The Enneagram is often used in counseling sessions and with good reason. It is an objective, non-judgmental way to look at all the parts of ourselves and see clearly where we have room for growth. Admittedly, this isn’t always fun or easy, but the truth is we usually know we’ve got blind spots but its often hard to acknowledge it. It is those blind spots that inevitably are the cause of most of our self-created roadblocks. And as Brene Brown teaches us, when we armor up in an effort to protect our vulnerabilities, we lose our connection with our authentic selves.
It’s not hard to see how the Enneagram is such an invaluable tool for couples counseling also. Imagine the shift in relationship dynamics when each partner can have such clarity about the other — what motivates them, what their driving need truly is, their strengths and weaknesses — all without judgment, just pure awareness. I recently shared with a family member that I got answers to questions my former partner was never able to answer once I learned the complexities of his Enneagram type.
My enthusiasm for the Enneagram has been spilling over into my family and into my friendships. I have found some of my friends to be very experienced with the Enneagram and our conversations shed light on the many ways it can help deepen relationships and resolve familiar patterns of conflict.
There is nothing I enjoy more than helping others (that’s a classic Type 2), and now I feel I have a resource that helps me customize the best way to do that — for them! This is such a win-win because in the past, I would often help too much (the blind spot of a Type 2) and in the end I was tired and my friend was resentful of my overbearing help. Who knew?
During this quarantine time, I have been so fortunate to have reconnected with old friends, gotten to know my newer friends on a deeper level, and been participating in lively discussions with dynamic women on an “Untamed” Zoom book club. The compelling common denominator is that all of us are striving for personal growth to enrich this chapter of our lives. We’ve come to realize that the learning never ends and there is always room for improvement — that’s life. We also recognize that it is our friends who support us through this journey. The more we know and understand our unique authentic selves, the better we are for all those whose lives we touch.
Here are some of my favorite resources regarding the Enneagram:
Five years ago, I was at a crossroads in my life when I finally stood silent and could hear the red flags flapping in a 40 mile an hour wind. For far too long, I had been looking outward for the answers to my deepest questions. It was time to do some serious internal self-examination and hit the reset button for the next chapter of my life. I even said out loud — “I need to be at my best for whatever the future might hold and I can’t be my best when I am so drained and feeling so disconnected from all that I love and value most.”
How did I get so far from the fulfilling life I envisioned for myself? A simple answer surfaced — I had been living on autopilot, unconsciously relying on old behavior patterns. There is a natural evolution process that occurs as we go through life, shaped by our experiences and our responses to them. The secret to growing through our experiences is self-awareness. So often we inadvertently push away the growth opportunities waiting to emerge simply because we feel comfortable staying in the old familiar habits.
An inspiring resource for personal my growth has been Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith and he articulates exactly what I was feeling in that moment five years ago:
I feel this is very true today for our global community and especially true for our country. Our collective pain is being pushed around, back and forth — and the ongoing uncertainties are causing us fatigue. And I also believe that a larger vision is pulling us. I take heart and find hope in those people who inspire, educate and challenge us to pull together for the collective greater good.
There is a noteworthy common thread running through the lessons we have in front of us: It’s time to be consciously aware. If ever there was a time to stop operating on auto pilot with our preconditioned responses to things that scare us or that we disagree with, it is now.
Brene Brown’s most recent podcast is a solo episode where she opens up about why accountability is a prerequisite for change. She openly shares her personal experiences and her strategies for pulling her “thinking brain” back on line when she feels flight or fight energy. Her mantra is one I plan on using myself — “I am here to get it right, not to be right.” She also reminds us to be wary of calling, texting, posting or emailing when you are caught up in strong negative emotions.
Dr. Michael Beckwith shares that “people live in reaction or choice. Choice is when you have awareness.” We witness knee jerk reactions every day in the news and on social media. These emotionally charged reactions are not helpful and often create more confusion, more blaming, and no acceptance of accountability. Rather than throw another log on a raging fire, we can pause and let our own heated emotions settle down. We are capable of stopping our habitual reactionary patterns that often push away needed forward progress. Not surprisingly, one of Michael Beckwith’s most ardent suggestions is that we get very skilled at listening. Taking the time to truly listen is a lost art. When we truly listen (without planning our retort or response), we may find the answers to questions we never thought to ask.
As I have worked on myself, shedding the old patterns and embracing healthier new ones, I discovered that my awareness of others has grown exponentially. I have become a keen observer, patiently looking past the flurry of emotions that others armor up with and seeking to discover what is truly hurting them. I began to see that there were repetitive behavior patterns that emerged in others. Michael Beckwith calls this the “merry go round” and I laughed out loud recalling years ago when I told someone I would not buy a ticket for their emotional “merry go round” ride again. We can readily recognize these predictable patterns in the daily news cycle. If we want to be part of a meaningful change, we have to stop going in circles. Get off the dizzying merry go round.
Taking the time to educate ourselves beyond what we currently know, requires that we be open-minded about perspectives that are different than our own. Each and every one of us has stories of our life that has impacted us in unique ways. Our personal stories hold the connectors that will bridge our divides and help us look at the many facets of our very complex problems. Can we really hear another’s story and not feel our shared humanity?
Lately something has been happening so frequently that we have almost normalized it — using “dehumanizing language and labels” to fuel the “us vs. them” mindset for our collective issues. This creates an instantaneous divide laced with superiority or inferiority. It is an insurmountable impediment to facing the reality of our problems and finding over-arching solutions for the greater good of all. Brene Brown distills the devastating consequences of dehumanizing labels:
“Dehumanizing often starts with creating an enemy image. As we take sides, lose trust, and get angrier and angrier, we not only solidify an idea of our enemy, but also start to lose our ability to listen, communicate, and practice even a modicum of empathy.” — Brene Brown
Empathy is absolutely necessary to get past blaming and shaming so that we can get to the meaningful work of understanding how we are all affected by our collective struggles. Only then can we pull back the curtain that obscures us from taking a calm, comprehensive, cohesive reality check. Shame kills empathy.
Brene Brown has studied shame and vulnerability for over 20 years. She was diving into this work since before 9-11. She explains that empathy and shame are on opposite ends of a continuum. “Shame results in fear, blame (of self or others), and disconnection. Empathy is cultivated by courage, compassion and connection. Empathy is the most powerful antidote to shame.”
We are all very much connected and affected by our first time experience with a global pandemic and quarantine, by the ongoing systemic problems of racism and inequalities and with the divisiveness of politics. It is my hope that we can individually raise our consciousness so that we are contributing in constructive, positive way to find solutions to our realities.
Every day in this country, collectively diverse groups of people come together setting aside gender, age, race, political party and more to help us as a whole. They are health care workers on the front line fighting COVID-19. They are teachers, first responders, food industry workers, our military. They are also fathers and mothers, daughters and sons, grandparents, brothers and sisters, children. Coming together for the good of others, even those we disagree with, is more than possible. Dr. Michael Beckwith encourages us with these words “our potential is always greater than our problems.”
Maya Angelou so wisely said “When you know better, you do better.” Let’s consciously strive to do better.
Suggested Resources:
The New Normal Podcast with Chief Master Sergeant of the Air Force Kaleth O. Wright (with Brene Brown). There is also a recent episode with Dr. David Kessler and one entitled the Power of Social Media.
Imagine my surprise when I stumbled across the most incredible tool for self-awareness and discovering our true potential in Brene Brown’s recent podcast. Brene’s dynamic interview with Chris Heuertz opened my mind to the encompassing transformational value of the Enneagram. His tender and compassionate way of describing what each of the 9 type’s biggest struggles are just tugged at my heartstrings.
The Enneagram is one of the most powerful and insightful tools for understanding ourselves and others. At its core, the Enneagram helps us to see ourselves at a deeper, more objective level and can be of invaluable assistance on our path to self-knowledge. —– The Enneagram Institute (www.enneagraminstitute.com)
I had once taken the Enneagram test online and was familiar with the attributes of my Type. At that time, I viewed it mostly as an affirmation of my personality much like a Zodiac sign or Myers-Briggs assessment.
What I did not know however was that basic summary only scratched the surface of what I could learn from the Enneagram.
As Chris Heuretz points out, most of us look at our Enneagram Type and happily confirm those attributes we view as positive and sideline those traits that make us uncomfortable. As a result, we end up fragmented by trying to hide or protect our vulnerabilities. Brene Brown has been teaching us for years , it is those very vulnerabilities that hold the key to our richest treasures — love, creativity, connection.
With his latest book, The Enneagram of Belonging, Chris skillfully guides us through the process of personal discovery to bravely face those traits we hide or protect. He gracefully coaches us to embrace our full human self with compassion and self-acceptance. You may ask why this is so important. Chris says “the truth is the way we treat ourselves is the way we also treat others.”
Chris believes that the way we make the world a better place is to start with ourselves and then let it flow out to our relationships, our communities and the world. As Maya Angelou taught “when we know better, we do better.”
Chris Heuretz is a longtime Enneagram teacher in addition to being the author of The Sacred Enneagram and The Enneagram of Belonging. His website offers blog posts, podcasts and other resources to broaden our knowledge. (http://www.chrisheuretz.com) I listened to a podcast he did with his friend and author, Beatrice Chestnut. Immediately captivated by her personal and professional experiences with the Enneagram, I just had to read her book too.
Beatrice Chestnut’s book, The Complete Enneagram is a compelling instructional book that was hard to put down. I quickly realized how her dynamic handbook would have expedited my own discovery process a few years ago. I had taken a more circuitous way to unearth my patterned roadblocks through mindfulness, meditation and lots of self exploration. As Beatrice writes about the Enneagram — “it’s like having your own personal owner’s manual.”
I began to view the Enneagram as a treasure map with a personalized Key for each Type that pinpoints the coping strategies and learned behavioral patterns we commonly use. It also provides the trail back to the origin of those patterns. We move through decades of our life leaning heavily on those familiar patterns, but unconsciously aware that they are making our lives more complex. The hidden treasure lies in growing into the most healthy potential of our Type once we understand what has been holding us back and learning to live more consciously.
As I began to absorb and process all that I was learning about myself, I could readily look back at various times in my life where my conditioned patterns showed up and see very clearly how they played out. Instead of chastising myself, I was now able to own it and even laugh about it in some cases. Perhaps the most impactful transformation for me was gaining insight about early life experiences that conditioned me to repress my feelings, to rush in as a soothing helper and avoid conflict at all costs. This knowledge is a powerful catalyst for conscious living today.
As Chris talked about all of the 9 types in the Enneagram with Brene Brown, my heart really opened up to what each and every one of us deals with through our own personalities, the life experiences that shape us and the way that we navigate our lives. Once we understand what our own Type wrestles with, our compassion for all the other Types just naturally seems to expand. Another bonus is when we learn to stop getting caught in a reactive response pattern and lean in more to another — to proactively listen and to be fully present. Both Chris and Beatrice provide many reminders that this work is on-going and part of the continual growth process. We get chances to practice every day if we are just paying attention.
Growth spurts can happen at any stage of life. It’s fun and rewarding to notice the positive changes in yourself and how it supports those around you. Mindfulness, mediation and contemplative practice enhance all that we learn about ourselves and others through the Enneagram. The changes we hope to facilitate for the greater good of all start with us.
Chris’s work has change how I understand myself and the people around me. It has brought me closer to myself and my true essence. I’m grateful for Chris’s willingness to clear a path and walk alongside us in love and compassion.” — Brene Brown
Back in early March, I was in the midst of composing a blog post about shifting our perspectives in the hum drum “ordinary-ness” of our day to day lives and then seemingly overnight everything changed for all of us due to the COVID-19 health crisis. Now we are longing for the very routine things we took for granted (and possibly even complained about) just a few weeks ago.
I can’t tell you how many times over the past 6 weeks, I have sat down with my laptop hoping to ooze some comfort and words of wisdom only to come up empty. It wasn’t lack of inspiration, but rather a strong desire to share the full breadth of dynamic, eloquent, uplifting messages from many of my favorite motivators. So, I am dedicating this blog post to the invaluable resources that are keeping me hopeful, courageous, supportive and inspired through this challenging time:
Oprah & Deepak 21-Day Meditation Experience – Hope In Uncertain Times https://chopracentermeditation.com/experience Several times throughout each year, Oprah Winfrey and Deepak Chopra offer a free 21-Day mediation experience. This particular program was designed specifically for our current global health crisis. I used to think that having hope was just about being optimistic but after this 21-day experience I’ve come to revel in the fact that hope is as tangible and vibrant as love. Day 1 leaves no doubt as it is aptly entitled “The Power of Hope is Real.“
Elizabeth Lesser on Facebook – Elizabeth is a best selling author (Broken Open) and co-founder of Omega Institute, the largest adult education center in the United States focusing on health, wellness, spirituality and creativity. I’ve often thought that she’s the kind of person who becomes an instant friend. Visit Elizabeth Lesser’s Facebook page for her poems, her livestreams, and her beautiful creative writings. Her recent poem “No One Told the Daffodils” will resonate with any nature lover. https://www.facebook.com/ElizLesser/
Omega Institute offers diverse content to awaken the best in human spirit. Be sure to check out the videos section and especially the one entitled “Love and Awakening in the Time of a Global Pandemic”. https://www.facebook.com/eOmega.org/
Brene Brown’s “Unlocking Us” Podcasts. The dynamic and oh so relatable Brene Brown launched her brand spanking new podcast series on March 19th — yep….right in the midst of our quarantine due to the pandemic. She had no way of knowing in advance that her focus on this very first one — on staying in the tough times rather than checking out — would be so poignant. And of course she skillfully addressed our collective first time experience of being in a pandemic. Since the initial launch in mid-March, she has added 7 more podcasts and she’s had some fascinating guests such as Alicia Keys, David Kessler, Glennon Doyle, Dr. Marc Brackett and more. My all-time personal favorite podcast was on March 26th entitled “Comparative Suffering, the 50/50 Myth, and Settling the Ball”. Brene has an uncanny ability to recognize how we are feeling no matter how we try to mask it or pretend otherwise. In this episode she talked candidly about falling apart, staying connected and kind, and giving ourselves permission to feel hard things. Brene happily recognizes that many us are logging a few miles on our fitness trackers as we listen to her podcasts. If you love Brene, grab your earbuds –you are in for a treat! I’ve been listening to her podcasts on Spotify. You can check them out on her Facebook page also. https://www.facebook.com/brenebrown/
Headspace — Just before the pandemic, Headspace had launched two new features on the app — Community Story and The Wake Up. As the health crisis unfolded, The Wake Up feature began to tailor its content to the myriad of emotions and real-life challenges we are facing as we “shelter in”. The Wake Up feature is a daily short video with engaging presenters chock full of solid ideas and inspiration. Some of these videos have been so fascinating even my grandchildren enjoy them. Headspace is offering free support during the healthcare crisis, so please go to their website to check out the details. https://www.headspace.com
For many of us, this quarantine has underscored the many small components of our daily lives that truly weave themselves into the fabric of our lives and makes us stronger, more grateful and more aware of how we are all so inextricably connected. Now more than ever, we can step back, take a deep breath and ask ourselves “What have we learned from this experience?”
I was searching for a mental image that would capture just how I was feeling about the constant barrage of emotional ups and downs of a loved one who lacked the ability to discern between a big deal and a small one. And that’s when it struck me and I said “I am like a tube of toothpaste and each time you squeeze me to respond to another temper tantrum, I use up valuable patience and emotional reserves that we will both need for bigger life events down the road. When that times comes, you do not want to be rolling me up tight and squeezing hard to get that last little bit out.”
I’ve used that “tube of toothpaste” analogy a few times in my life for people who needed to work on their emotional regulation and productive coping skills. It was something that I tried to instill in my children especially when they were teenagers. I was encouraging them to make a determination for themselves about whether their current issue was a 1 or a 10 on the scale of “big stuff in life”.
What I’ve come to realize over these past couple of years is that the sooner we learn tools for self-control and emotional intelligence, we not only have happier and more stable lives, we give our brains a remarkable gift.
Our thoughts and emotions contribute to our overall health. I’m sure you have experienced how your heart races and your breath grows fast and shallow when you are really upset. Imagine the toll that this is taking on you physically. And if you are getting upset often and easily angered, your brain is getting wired for this super-charged negativity bias. While it may not be as obvious as a racing heart or finding it hard to breathe, this is some serious toxicity in the the brain.
Consider what Dr. Rick Hanson shares in his blog post “Take in the Good”:
The negativity bias shows upin lots of ways. For example, studies have found that:
In a relationship, it typically takes five good interactions to make up for a single bad one.
People will work much harder to avoid losing $100 than they will work to gain the same amount of money.
Painful experiences are much more memorable than pleasurable ones.
In effect, the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones. That shades “implicit memory” – your underlying expectations, beliefs, action strategies, and mood – in an increasingly negative direction. (https://www.rickhanson.net/take-in-the-good/
As a parent, partner or close friend who is striving to balance all that negativity bias for another, it can be exhausting and contagious. I knew that I did not want to get “used up” on minor issues when later on down the road there would be weddings and babies, job changes, health issues and so much more.
What I wish that I had many years ago was the knowledge and experience of mindfulness and meditation — for myself and for those that needed some really good tools for dealing with their emotions and a negativity bias.
I recently completed a 21-day Perfect Health Mediation program with Deepak Chopra and Oprah (https://chopracentermeditation.com) and it was not surprising that the quality of our thoughts was mentioned frequently over the 3 weeks. One thing that really struck me was that our supportive relationships significantly impact the positive messages we send our bodies every day which invites greater health and well-being into our lives.
And that brings me back to my tube of toothpaste analogy. I intuitively felt that I wanted to save my energy to fully soak up the good stuff in life and to have deep reserves for those times when we needed strength to get through heartbreaking adversities. What I was striving for was balanced, supportive relationships where we counted our blessings and faced our problems rationally.
I know firsthand the toll that stress can take on our physical health. While we cannot control events and circumstances that bring stress into our lives, we can take proactive measures to mitigate unhealthy recurring and long-lasting responses to it on a daily basis. Practicing gratitude, taking walks in nature and calming yourself with a few deep cleansing breaths are easy tools to incorporate. Daily meditation offers some of the greatest benefits for calming our minds and becoming aware of how our thoughts are impacting our health and our relationships.
If you want to learn more about neuroscience and how “neurons that fire together, wire together”, I encourage you to check out Dr. Rick Hanson’s website https://www.rickhanson.net/.
Inspired New Horizons 