Children – Page 18 – Inspired New Horizons

A Year of Meditation

Making a commitment to practicing meditation twice a day for a full year in 2018 turned out to be a meaningful game changer for me. It was the mental equivalent of gaining the benefits from diet and exercise — more energy, more resilience and more clarity.

There were a few reasons I wanted to give mediation an earnest effort. Mindfulness and Brene Brown’s teachings had really opened my eyes to my conditioned responses to various triggers in my life.

So understanding how I get “hooked” and how I might subsequently react was part one of my personal growth process. Part two is getting better at managing those responses and emotions. That is a role that meditation plays.

We’ve all had those times in our lives when inadvertently someone hit a “soft spot” and we reacted poorly — losing our temper, stuffing our true emotions, or numbing ourselves. We get triggered emotionally and react out of habit.

Not getting hijacked by our racing thoughts, not getting caught up in someone else’s negative energy and being able to have good emotional regulation under pressure — those are all great tools that enable us to better listeners, stronger support systems and resourceful problem solvers.

Practicing meditation regularly helps tame those racing thoughts and return to a place of calm. Where there is calm, there is clarity. We can make better decisions with a clear head.

What further motivated me was learning that we practice meditation for others. Does that sound strange? It did to me until I discovered that mediation helps us bring our best selves to each relationship and each experience. A lot of miscommunication and misunderstandings can be averted when we remain calm and are able to give our full attention to another and to the unfolding situation at hand.

Lastly, I have always been fascinated by the neuroscience of meditation and the positive impact that it has on brain health.

Consider this compelling excerpt from The Chopra Center Website: Over the years, studies from the University of British Columbia and Harvard have proven that meditation is more than just a simple relaxation tool… it can have life-altering effects on your brain! Fascinating discoveries have shown that regular meditation: increases tissue mass in the area of the brain controlling impulses and maintaining attention; Increases thickness in the region of the brain responsible for body awareness and stress management; and shrinks the amygdala which is responsible for processing sadness, anxiety and negative emotions.

Here are a few examples of how daily mediation has impacted my quality of life in a positive way:

No more rumination — I was the queen of rumination, reliving past experiences, with a lot of the strong emotions still very much attached to hurtful experiences. Always looking for answers to questions that will forever remain unanswered. I’ll confess that I have had many a sleepless night thanks to rumination. Today if I recall a memory of a painful experience I can reframe it, review it with the knowledge and awareness I have today and learn from it. The best part is that the strong emotions that were a driving force in the rumination process are not present in the review process.

Being emotionally aware — When I get triggered or feel a strong emotion, I take time to really feel it and then take a big pause before I react. In that space, I can make a better choice about how (or if) to engage. My integrity and intention will guide me not a knee jerk reaction. I feel more in control. I learned a lot about the benefits of being emotionally. aware from Gary Zukav, author of Seat of the Soul. Meditation practice helped me learn how to do this in the heat of the moment.

Setting and keeping personal boundaries — As a born people pleaser, this was an area that I really needed to develop. I frequently gave in to keep others happy only to find myself unhappy, often feeling unappreciated and disrespected. I knew I was allowing this to happen by not having boundaries and it was fear that others wouldn’t like me or would think me insensitive that prevented me from setting them. That is no longer the case. I can articulate my personal boundaries to others clearly. Most importantly, I honor those boundaries myself — I have learned to say “no”. Oddly enough, it turns out that others actually respect you more when you do have personal boundaries. I will share that it was the guided mediation practices on the Headspace app that played a key role. The app offers a variety of courses in the Personal Growth section that help you dig deeper into those areas where you might be feeling challenged or uncomfortable.

Sleeping better – If I wake up in the middle of the night, I can stop my mind from heading onto the speed ramp of racing thoughts. Daily meditation practice has given me the skills to quiet my mind. Yet I think the real reason I am sleeping longer and more peacefully is due to the stress reduction throughout my day. Meditation is part of my daily self care routine — making time to sit quietly twice a day for the formal meditation practice. This really sets me up to be able to bring those skills into my daily life. So my days are calmer, less stressful, lighter and more productive. That’s a great way to go to bed.

I cleared out a lot of real estate in my busy brain thanks to meditation. It is much easier to be fully present to enjoy both the little and big moments in life when racing thoughts and triggered emotions aren’t distracting me.

Helpful Resources:

Headspace app, developed by Andy Puddicombe

Seat of the Soul, written by Gary Zukav

As always, I recommend watching YouTube videos and Ted Talks by Brene Brown, Deepak Chopra, John Kabat-Zinn and Rick Hanson. Oprah Winfrey’s SuperSoul Sundays on Facebook and her podcasts are also inspiring.

Positive Changes

When I started my blog over three years ago, I was in the early stages of learning about mindfulness and creating a vision of what I wanted from life as I ventured deeper into retirement alone.

Part of the motivation to begin blogging about this journey was to help others who also might be struggling with unplanned changes in their life. At the time, I was living in a large retirement community in central Florida surrounded by others in my age group with a myriad of life events that were also altering their well designed plans. A relationship breakup threw me into a bit of a tailspin and I realized I needed to reevaluate a lot of things in a new light.

Relationship breakups, health crisis and loss of loved ones are not restricted to retirement communities and I soon found that so many people at different stages of their life were similarly searching for ways to build a life that was rooted in balance, peace, trust and respect — and that would enable them to fully enjoy people and activities that they loved.

I am deeply grateful for my Florida friend who introduced me to Mindful Magazine because those articles and those teachers became the foundation for the reshaping of my life plan. She and I forged a buddy system for mindfulness in our lives and we encouraged each other as we dug deeper into what matters most for our happiness.

I won’t lie to you and say that it was easy to take a very deep look at myself and commit to changing old behavioral patterns that were not serving me well. Its really uncomfortable when you know in your heart you are a good person and you want only good for others, but just maybe the way you go about it is not beneficial in the long run.

There are so many great resources available to help us all better understand how and why we have developed our coping skills, our triggers and learned behavioral responses and even how our racing mind sabotages our best intentions.

If you check out some of my prior posts, you will know that I’ve been guided through my personal growth journey by Brene Brown, Rick Hansen, Thich Naht Hahn, Jon Kabat Zinn , Pema Chodrun ,Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey (just to. name a few).

I gained a deeper understanding of how my childhood experiences planted seeds of unhealthy behavioral patterns that I carried far into my adult life. I learned a lot about how my fears of confrontation negatively impacted my self esteem and wise decision making.

Perhaps the most enlightening thing that I uncovered was this: I have a passion for helping others and it brings me joy. Without boundaries however, I was devoting my time and energy to people who were unappreciative or unwilling to do for themselves. I became a magnet for needy people. In the process, I snuffed out my own joy. Now I understand why I felt so resentful.

While soaking up as much knowledge and understanding as I could process from all those inspirational leaders I mentioned above, it was necessary to sit alone and work through how all these revelations played out in my life.

That required a lot of journaling, a lot of crying and miles of long walks — not to mention more of Brene Brown’s Ted Talks.

Ultimately it also meant that I incorporated mediation into my personal development plan. And as noted in prior posts, I was terrible at it. Each time I sat down to meditate, ten thousand thoughts came rushing into my brain.

This was perhaps the one time where my natural stubbornness proved helpful. In 2018, I. made a commitment to meditate every day twice a day. Short meditations — after all I was being realistic. I used the Headspace app which helped me stay accountable to this goal as well as providing some really meaningful topics to explore. I did mostly guided mediations but by autumn, I ventured into unguided sessions too and was remarkably surprised to discover that I had the ability to clear my mind with ease. There are so many good things to share about meditation that I plan to devote another blog post to it very soon.

But for now, I want to share one of the greatest tools for breaking new ground while changing old habits — Friendship.

I am very blessed to have an incredible life long friend who has played an instrumental role as confidante, coach, cheerleader and sounding board. Ironically enough, both my friend and I had been taking stock of our lives in our early 60’s and knew in our hearts that we needed to make some serious changes if we wanted different results.

This is precisely where Brene Brown’s teachings hit home for me. My dear friend was the one I trusted the most to share my deepest, darkest parts of my life story. I could openly tell her about my insecurities, bad decisions, doubts and hardships. I’d carried some of this stuff buried deep for years. Being able to unburden myself with a friend that really listened was one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. And not surprisingly, when you find the courage to open up to someone you trust, they will often share in turn with you. My treasured friend and I have deepened our relationship in the most profound way. We have also helped each other through some very difficult but necessary behavioral changes. Today we high five each other when we tell our stories of how we handled a situation in a much more mindful and productive way.

While it is important to gain knowledge and insight from books, Ted Talks, journaling and meditating, I believe that having compassionate, caring friends that you trust are the glue that makes the personal growth process really come together and stay solidly in place.

As a direct result of all the hard work I have done on my self over these past few years, I have a peaceful, balanced and joyful life. That does not mean that I don’t have trials or troubles. It does mean that I can handle life’s adversities with grace and resilience.

I am a firm believer that when we share our stories and talk honestly about the work we’ve done to grow, we are a source of motivation and inspiration for others.

Helpful Resources:

Brene Brown, Researcer
Soundstrue.org
Mindful Magazine and Mindful.org
Rick Hanson, American psychologist
Pema Chodron, American Tibetan Buddhist
Jon Kabat Zinn, American Professor
Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnamese Monk

The Vulnerability Connection

True connection with others often comes to us through some of the toughest moments in our lives. Isn’t it ironic that when we are our most vulnerable we are the in best possible place to receive love, support, encouragement and hope?

We shed our protective emotional armor in the face of our darkest, scariest moments and let in comfort, soothing words, a warm hug, caring helpers. The compassion, tenderness and kindness of others wraps around us like a warm soft blanket soothing our pains and fears.

Those caring helpers rise to the situation — setting aside their busy schedules, making time to listen, becoming more aware of another’s true needs.

When someone we love is struggling with a challenging life hardship, we step out of our comfort zones and find strength and courage to do what is needed. The desire to help overrides any fears we have about showing up and being really present for someone else.

All this happens very naturally in times of great crisis.

The phenomenon of being so vulnerable and having others recognize it and come to you with open arms and hearts is compassion in its truest form.

We learn a lot about ourselves when we are both the ones in need and also the ones who give.

When we are vulnerable, we break. open and soak in the offerings of love and support. We are just too weary, too scared, too overwhelmed to fight it. Have you ever silently powered through a difficult situation or problem, never once asking for the help or advice that might have eased the situation?

When we “show up” in a big way for someone in great need, we find our courage to be with someone who is in a very dark and lonely place. We take some light to them in the way of comforting words, shared tears, our time. That’s a big one — our time — suddenly we clear our busy calendars and we make time to just sit and listen. Do we do that enough in our every day lives?

Although it is often a big crisis that brings out the most nurturing genuine support and the willingness to accept it, there are so many small opportunities each and every day to make a difference in the lives of those we love.

Be willing to be a little more vulnerable and open us to those you trust and share your stories, your experiences, your problems. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness — it is an opportunity for someone who cares about you to feel valued by being able to offer support.

On the flip side, reach out to others in a meaningful way just in the course of ordinary daily life. A simple act of random kindness can truly have a big positive impact on another. A phone call, a coffee date, a handwritten card, an inside joke — these are all simple gestures that convey you care.

Our most meaningful relationships are often forged by stringing together all the small moments of real connection.

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” ……Brene Brown

Stay Calm and Problem Solve

Yesterday I had the most enlightened, dynamic conversation about our country with my shared ride driver – a 28 year old Russian immigrant. In 30 minutes, I got quite a history lesson from his personal experiences. No subject was left uncovered — immigration, gun control, drugs, politics, family and personal conflicts. It was obvious he had much on his mind and in his heart. Little did he know, but he gave me a fresh perspective on many things that were heavy on my mind about our country’s current environment.

I am always surprised by the nuggets of wisdom I get from chatting with others when I travel. Regardless of age, race, nationality or religion, conversations often flow easily especially if we connect with each other by some common thread. Could be grandchildren, travel adventures, current events or a book they are reading. Many times I find that I am challenged in a positive way to broaden my perspective by seeing things through another’s eyes.

As I said goodbye to my Russian driver yesterday, I reflected on this simple concept:

If we spent more time on finding our common ground, we’d most likely find the willingness to work together to solve our shared complex problems.

When we label, we are not helping — we simply create an “us vs. them” environment.

When we blame, we deflect responsibility for finding solutions.

When we bristle at things we disagree with, we close the door on learning from another perspective. Often the solutions to many problems lie in that space where things are really uncomfortable. Not insurmountable, simply uncomfortable. Get curious, ask questions, have civil and constructive conversations.

I have friends whose political views are quite different from my own. Yet our core values about family, personal integrity and making positive contributions to others is in full alignment. This collective group of friends have all experienced adversities in life where we depended on each other for support, encouragement, help. We did not let our political or party differences create a roadblock in our personal relationships.

Thanks to social media, especially Twitter, we are caught in an eddy of reactivity while being pelted with a hailstorm of opinions from news media and followers. We can barely catch our breath yet alone take time to process major events for ourselves.

Often the vulgar language, the name calling, and offensive vitriol is what catches our attention first — and what we immediately react to — missing completely the main issue that needs a resolution. We have examples of this poor behavior from both parties and celebrities.

It is a sad reflection on those who lose sight of their personal integrity by allowing their highly charged emotions to take control — spewing remarks they most surely must later regret. It is even sadder to think that many of these high profile people have a unique platform to present problems in an honest, intelligent way — and to solicit constructive conversations to find solutions.

Instead, that thunderstorm of contagious heated emotions clouds the core issues we must collectively address. We need to find our way back to civil discourse, courtesy and calm.

When parts of our country are hit with natural disasters (hurricanes, wildfires, volcanic eruptions), we seem to find our way back to humanity. Communities unite to help each other regardless of political party, race, status, religion. We band together to provide basic needs for survival and then for rebuilding. Help pours in from everywhere such as volunteers, fund raisers, even other countries offering aid.

Many of us are currently feeling heart-heavy, news weary and isolated from others because of labels. Each day we are given opportunities to get out of our comfort zone, to get curious and ask more questions especially of those with whom we disagree.

Perhaps if we treat our country’s complex issues as our collective problem and not problems created by party, we can stop the us vs. them game that feels like tug of war. We are all in this together.

The Practice of Meditation

Perhaps one of the biggest benefits of meditation is how much spaciousness it creates in that crazy racing mind of ours. Meditation is like a major decluttering experience for our busy brains.

I remember so very well the first time I attempted to meditate. Let’s just say it didn’t go so well — not only did my racing thoughts multiply, I heard every little sound in the entire house. At the time, I was ready to throw in the towel and say “this is definitely not for me”.

Then I recalled that I also felt this same way about golf when I first began to learn that complex game. I was overwhelmed with swing mechanics, club selection, rules and etiquette. Yet over time, I became passionate about golf. In fact, it has enriched my life in so many ways not the least of which is all the incredible friends I have made.

Is it any wonder that meditation was equally challenging for me that very first time I sat cross-legged on the floor? My mind was like a freeway of thousands of unrelated racing thoughts and no exits. I didn’t have the knowledge or skills to quiet my mind.

So I decided I’d have to use a similar approach to meditation that I did for golf — and not give up so readily. I lowered my expectations to a more realistic level acknowledging that I was not going to be instantly successful. I adopted a more open-minded (no pun intended) approach to my “practice”. Just as in golf, it is the tiny incremental improvements made over time that manifest themselves into big progress down the road.

Initially I found that guided meditation was an easier way to get started. A skilled meditation leader is like a golf instructor — offering you a few helpful instructions at the onset and then providing quiet space to try it on your own. Throughout a guided meditation practice, your “coach” will quietly remind you to bring your wandering mind back to your practice. Once you become aware of how often random, unrelated thoughts pop into your head, you begin to wonder how you effectively function at any task!

It was incredibly beneficial to have this guided framework for meditation. I learned a lot from meditation coaches about setting an intention for the practice, how to focus on the breath to keep the mind quiet, and how to train the mind to set aside distractions.

The “aha” moment for me was discovering that meditation is training the brain to be selective about thoughts and to discard thoughts that are interfering with the present moment experience. Consistent meditation practice helps you get more effective at doing this naturally in your active daily life.

The beauty of meditation is that over time, you free up a lot of space in your cluttered mind and that spaciousness is really transformational. You develop a newfound sense of awareness not only during meditation but also in your day to day life and in your relationships.

I first realized that my meditation was having a big impact when I woke up one night with thoughts running through my head and my new natural reaction was to take a few calming breaths and start letting those thoughts drift away. I was surprised at how quickly I fell back to sleep.

The most notable impact however is how my practice is now showing up during my waking hours. This “training of the brain” allows me to have a lot more clarity when I am making decisions, doing tasks and interacting with others. An added bonus is that I am enjoying all of these things more than ever because I am less distracted.

When I first started my daily meditation practice, I confess that it felt like a homework assignment — an obligation. Over time, I found that I was beginning to look forward to that quiet chunk of time. I now consider it an exercise program for my mind. Just like physical exercise makes me feel stronger and even more energized, meditation makes me feel grounded and more aware. I would have never guessed that one day I would look forward to my meditation practice with the same happy anticipation that I have for that steaming first cup of morning coffee.

In today’s busy world where we are bombarded with a steady stream of external distractions (especially from our technology), meditation can play a meaningful role for our quality of life. Decluttering our minds creates space for soaking up the moments in our daily lives that we treasure the most.

Valuable Resources for Learning More about Meditation:

Headspace App – guided mediation practices and animated informational videos

Mindful Magazine and Mindful.com – informational articles and links to resources

SoundsTrue.com – videos and guided meditation practices, articles

Meditation is Not What You Think – book authored by Jon Kabat-Zinn

Also, check into local meditation classes which are now being offered at health club, fitness centers and yoga studios.

Time for Change

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged though there has been so much on my mind and in my heart to write about. Over the past few months there have been many reminders of how quickly lives can change. What concerns me is how quickly we forget the lessons learned and go back to living our lives the same old way.

I’ve been so inspired by the young students from Parkland who show such courage in voicing their needs, their fears, and their outcry for changes. Let us not forget that they are still grieving and still reeling from the trauma of such a horrific tragedy. They never expected to be fighting for gun control reforms as teenagers in high school.

Their vulnerability is as raw as it gets. And they use it passionately as a launchpad for their growing movement for change. They are not fearful of conflict, criticism or failure in their quest. These high school students lived through their worst fears ever on Valentine’s Day.

They want — and they deserve — to be heard, to be valued and to feel safe (at school, at a concert, in a movie theatre, at home).

In the past month and a half, these young people have grown in a multitude of ways and matured far beyond their age. They’ve become articulate, poised public speakers and impassioned change makers. Their accomplishments in that very short timeframe are compelling. Not only did they set goals, they implemented them: Walkouts at schools across the country; amassing social media followers around the globe; and the national March for Our Lives occurring today.

What stands out with these Parkland students is that they want safety in schools for everyone — students, teachers, everyone in our schools – for the common good of all.

Brene Brown (Research professor at the University of Houston and author of three #1New York Times Bestsellers) offers this insight about many of the problems our country is facing today:

“When we ignore fear and deny vulnerability, fear grows and metastasizes. We move away from a belief in common humanity and unifying change and move into blame and shame.”

These high school kids get that. They are sharing their emotional horrific stories about that fateful day and urging us to take immediate action so no other child may ever have a similar experience. They care deeply about each other. It matters — and it matters to all of us.

Here is another quote from Brene Brown that drives home our responsibility to come together and find meaningful solutions to a growing, complex problem in this country.

“If we are going to change what is happening in a meaningful way we’re going to need to intentionally be with people who are different from us. We’re going to have to sign up and join, and take a seat at the table. We’re going to have to learn how to listen, have hard conversations, look for joy, share pain, and be more curious than defensive, all while seeking moments of togetherness.”

It is often noted that children teach us so much about what is truly important in life. The Parkland students have wasted no time in reminding us that ignoring gun violence is no longer acceptable.

What the world needs now

The past several months we have witnessed incredible devastation and loss of human lives due to hurricanes, earthquakes, wildfires, the tragic event in Las Vegas and the loss of U S. soldiers So many people have suffered a myriad of physical, emotional and psychological traumas through their personal experiences with each of these events. More than ever, humankind needs us to be generous and not only with financial donations. We need to be especially forthcoming with compassion and empathy, kindness and patience.

It’s hard to comprehend how many lives have significantly been impacted by all those events cited above. It includes family members and friends, first responders, volunteers, hospital and emergency employees, power company employees, clean up crew members and so many more. It’s a big ripple effect out into our communities, taking a physical, emotional and psychological toll on each and every one.

I’ve heard some stories and accounts firsthand — it was heartbreaking to see the depth of emotional pain in another human being. It will be a very long time for the grieving, the healing and the return to some sort of normalcy for so many people.

Over lunch with friends recently, we talked openly about our life experiences with the loss of loved ones, of battling cancers, and a myriad of life tragedies that happened in our families. Then we talked about what helped each of us most as we put one foot in front of the other each day as we slowly rebuilt our lives. Without fail, it was the kindness and compassion of another human being that made a heartfelt lasting impact in our journey.

What the world needs now is lots of kindness and compassion, more love and understanding. When my grandmother was passing away, I recall saying to my uncle that “all we could do was pray” and he turned to face me. A smile crossed his face as he took my hands into his and he said “Everything we can do is pray.” He changed my whole perspective with just one word.

You may not realize that the time you spend just sitting and listening to another as they unload their hurt and sadness is priceless to them. It is everything.

You may not be aware that your handwritten note of sympathy is read a dozen times a day by someone who just lost a spouse or a child. It is a tribute to the person they love and mourn.

Looking into another’s eyes and acknowledging them is such a simple gesture yet it has more impact than you can imagine. Trust me, they will feel that human connection.

Human connection, being fully present for another person, opening our hearts to the struggles that others are facing and being a safe place for them to share — these gifts are everything to someone in need. Make time to be more aware as you go through your day and engage with others.

This Saturday is National Make a Difference Day. How odd that we have such a day. Shouldn’t every day be an opportunity to make a difference in someone’s life?

Just remember that what seems small to you just might be everything to someone else.

Vunerability

It takes a tremendous amount of courage to face our own vulnerabilities Yet it is the only way to free our authentic self so we can be our absolute best.

I’ve spent the past several years committed to mindfulness so that I could free myself from making the same mistakes over and over while wishing for a much different outcome. Becoming aware of my self-imposed ineffective behavior patterns for dealing with conflict, resentments and disappointments was an eye opener — and often heartbreaking. I had to face and own my life story.

It is exactly the place where Brene Brown encourages each of us to go.

Before we can truly make strong positive human connections, Brene says we have to understand our own pain first. It’s about getting up close and personal with our own vulnerabilities — and that takes blunt honesty and a boatload of courage.

It is our personal stories that shape us and keep our authentic selves at bay. We develop coping mechanisms to deal with fear, shame and not being good enough. We avoid conflicts, we stuff our hurts and disappointments, we get angry easily, we blame others. And all the while, it just doesn’t feel good because we are not in alignment with our true selves.

During a recent Facebook live feed from her current book tour, Brene acknowledged that “anger is a catalyst for change. It is also a terrible life companion. Anger is too big a price to pay for our lives,” she said.

I feel the same way about shame and fear. All three of these emotions are often found in our life stories and in fact sometimes they are best friends to each other.

Once we can own our own stories and recognize where anger, fear or shame was the birthplace for our ineffective behavior patterns, we need to be kind and compassionate to ourselves. Stuffing our emotions and letting our hurts marinate robs us of our joy. Lashing out in anger isolates us from others and blocks problem resolution. Avoiding conflict results in resentment, misunderstandings and low self-esteem. Most importantly, we become disengaged from each other. We lose our human connection.

I’ve been looking for the bridge between personal mindfulness and expanded connection with others. How do I take what I have learned from my mindfulness practices and build stronger, healthier, authentic relationships with people?

It starts with each of us gaining a deeper understanding of our own stories and taking responsibility for unproductive or destructive behaviors that we adopted because of our story. We cannot let our stories deprive us of being the best version of ourselves each and every day.

And then we need to create that bridge to reach out to others — to listen to their stories, to show compassion and empathy, to find some common ground and gain better understanding, to make amends, to seek compromise and solutions.

Not only is this relevant in our families and workplaces, it is increasingly important for our communities and country.

Brene Brown’s latest book, Braving the Wilderness, is chock full of relatable, tangible ideas for shifting us back to a much-needed human connection. I encourage you to read her book and check out her live streams on Facebook. She’s refreshing, inspiring and she’s providing leadership tools for anyone who wants to make a difference.

Breaking the Cycle

Perhaps one of the most valuable insights we can have about ourselves is the impact that our habitual behavioral patterns have on others. Sometimes we unnecessarily set off an unwanted emotional chain reaction that changes the mood and energy of a situation in a negative way.

When we get triggered and fall back on conditioned reactive responses, we lose sight of the bigger picture and other’s reactions to our patterns. Unknowingly, we have invited another to participate in our pattern. If that person gets triggered and fires back in their own automatic response mode, suddenly we have a whirlwind of mixed emotions, conflict and a big energy drain. Everyone ends up emotionally distanced from the immediate problem and its resolution. We get caught in the cycle of poor behavioral habits.

If we tend to shut down in a conflict situation, we just bury our truest feelings and desires. We deny our loved ones the chance to really understand what is important to us.

If we blow up and blame, we disregard taking personal responsibility. We deny others the opportunity to learn about our deepest vulnerabilities.

Invariably we end up wasting a lot of precious time and energy that we can never get back.

Years of patterns like this can erode marriages, sibling relationships and friendships. It is also something that children learn by example and why so many dysfunctional behavioral traits get “inherited” within families.

The best gift we can give to ourselves and our families is to recognize old patterns that are not serving us well and break the cycle.

It takes serious work to get “mindful” about yourself and why you get triggered by certain things — and how you routinely (and mindlessly) respond to those triggers. Be compassionate to yourself as you delve into your issues with unabashed honesty.

The real test for making positive changes in conditioned responses is when you find yourself in one of your familiar “triggered” moments. You’ll have to hit the pause button on the old automatic reaction and take some calming breaths. Reframe the situation so that you can respond in a better way than you usually do. I’ll let you in on a little secret — just being calmer in your reaction will go a very long way towards a more positive approach.

It is especially beneficial to talk with your loved ones about the changes you are striving to make and why you are motivated to do so. It creates an opportunity to break down barriers that you’ve put up in the past. It’s an active demonstration that you are taking personal responsibility for ineffective behaviors. Ask for their help and support.

Treat your personal energy as the valuable resource it is. Use it wisely for things that matter. Someday you will need to draw on your energy reservoir for something serious — and you will be glad that you didn’t waste it on something trivial.

The same is true for time — we don’t really know how much time we are each allotted in this life. Hindsight really is 20/20 and looking back, you are sure to find moments where a shift in your attitude or behavior could have totally turned an experience around. The time you squandered on a silly argument or pouting could have been better spent appreciating the moment.

Recently, I’ve been fortunate enough to witness some of these transformations occurring in families who recognized a change was in order. What has become so noticeable is the shift in energy. There is more positivity and a lightness in the home environment. Couples are feeling like a team, working together toward a common goal rather than feeling like opponents in a boxing match. There’s a lot more positive reinforcement given to each other when new attitudes and better approaches are taken. Apologies and forgiveness are offered more readily when the inevitable slip up occurs.

Most noteworthy is how the young children in these families are benefiting from the improvements and positive energy. Children pick up on the emotional energy and will often act out to deflect something that feels uncomfortable to them. These children are also learning good emotional coping skills, along with trust and mutual respect.

I’ve mentioned this in prior blogs, and it is worth noting again. Pema Chodrun reminds us that when just one of us makes mindful changes, we make it easier for others to do the same. When we make the commitment to do the work to better ourselves and change bad habits, we become good role models for our children and others. That is some pretty powerful motivation for positive change.

Get a grip on what triggers you, get a deeper understanding of who you are and how you want to be treated, and

If it is to be, it’s up to me…

I sat across the table from a young woman in her mid-30’s watching her face radiate as she showed me photos of her delightful 6 year old daughter. At first glance, you would never guess that this happy, confident mom had such a troubled past. I was awestruck by her resilience and her ability to let go of the past. She was fully steeped in the present moment and had deep gratitude for her present life. She had a better dream for herself and she made it a reality.

Everyone has a story. This young woman’s story had every plot twist imaginable. Jane’s mother died of diabetes when she was just a teenager. She became a surrogate mom to her three younger sisters and dad was overcome with grief and despair. Not surprisingly, they all found someway to numb themselves from their loss. For Jane it was heroin. Heroin did not solve her problems or successfully numb her pain. In fact, just the opposite occurred — she had more problems and her hurt was deepened as family and friends cast her aside because of the poor choices she was making. She had a baby at 18 and had to give him to her dad to raise. She continued as a nomad, crashing on couches of people she barely knew, eating whatever food others would offer. She was in such a dark place and in her words and she’d hit low spots often. Until that day that she hit her own personal “rock bottom”. I won’t share the private details of what happened to her that plunged her into “rock bottom”, but suffice it to say it was a real wake up call that shook her back into consciousness. Her choices were affecting who she really was at the core of her soul and that became more painful than what life had been throwing at her.

After 8 years of heroin and running away (literally and figuratively), she took personal responsibility to change her life.

She is now in her mid-30’s with a beautiful daughter, reunited with her teenaged son, has a meaningful job she enjoys, an apartment, a car and a leadership role in her young adult group at church.

I was so captivated by her story of sadness, darkness, resilence and determination. I asked her “what did you change about your life that set you on a good path and keeps you there?”

Her answer was profound. “One by one, I put things into my life that I don’t want to lose.”

Take a moment to let that sink in.

For Jane, it started with a job. She needed money to eat. She got a job. Next goal was an apartment so she saved and budgeted and she put a roof over her head. She wanted to get her driver’s license back so she made that a priority and later, she bought a used car. These were building blocks for her independence and self worth. As she told me her story, I could feel how much it meant to her to be able to hold a job, have an apartment of her own. She created a safe, peaceful environment for herself where she could not only survive but thrive. As she told me of each step, she emphasized — “I didn’t want to lose that job, I didn’t want to lose that apartment, I didn’t want to lose the car”.

Eventually she fell in love, married and had a baby girl who is now 6. Her face lights up as she flashes through the photos on her phone of her little artist, dancer and cuddler.

This is not a happily ever after fairy tale that ends here. Far from it. This is about a young woman who so dramatically shifted everything in her life that she has the resiliency and fortitude to capably handle the things that life throws at her. She never loses sight of what is most precious to her.

Sadly, her marriage ended in divorce three years ago when he husband cheated on her. Her precious daughter has special needs, and an addicted, dysfunctional sister leans on her heavily.

However, she does not lose her footing. She has a remarkable capacity to “let go”. She doesn’t have time to dwell on the past and she chooses to spend her energy caring for her daughter, doing a good job at work, taking care of herself. She gets rejuvenated by her church, her faith and the good people she purposefully has in her life. Jane gave herself the gift of self worth long ago. It is what keeps her on such a good path now, even when life throws some pretty crappy stuff at her.

Jane has set boundaries so that all that she has worked for (and does not want to lose) isn’t jeopardized. This has been one of the hardest steps for her, she confided. And I have so much empathy for her around boundaries. Jane does not view herself as a special, amazing person. She is an everyday girl, just trying to be a better person that she was previously. Although the personal work was hard, she believes in her heart that if she could do it, all alone without much support — then others should be able to overcome their addictions, dysfunctions and adversities too. Especially if they have love and support from family and friends.

She has known a very special young man for a long time. He has struggled with addiction and recovery three times already. His mother is at a loss how to help him stay clean and get on a good life path. Jane and his mother are very close — and it is obvious that Jane loves him and has for a long time. She looks into his eyes and sees the good heart, the good man that he is at the core. In her imagination, she can see him free from addiction and suffering — and the two of them laughing, loving and soaking up life.

And this is where the sticky part comes in. Jane looks at herself and sees all that she has done to change her life for the better. She did it alone. Surely this young man, with lots of love, patience and support – with her as a good role model can readily turn his life around too. Once she naively thought this was possible, but after experiencing his relapse time and again, she has gained deeper insight.

She now sees this relationship from both sides of the coin. If her young man wants to make a lasting change in his life, he has to hit his own personal “rock bottom” and find his own motivation to start the process and keep it going every single day.

She holds steadfast to her personal promise and it has become a trustworthy boundary — she does not want to lose all that she worked so hard to gain. She won’t jeopardize all that she has worked for personally trying to coax him into a better life. She’s even adopted this philosophy for her sister, emphasizing that we alone are responsible for the choices we make in life. “Get off the couch, sis….and make it happen.”

What impresses me so much about Jane is that she parted with a lot of painful baggage over recent years. She is a lighter, happier, balanced woman as a result and she is setting a very good example for her daughter and her peers.

I’ve met with several young adults this week who are working on personal development due to depression, trauma, and self doubts. These young people were visibly touched when I congratulated them on taking responsibility for changing their lives, for seeking meaningful help and sticking to it. They shared that all too often they are challenged by people who think they can’t or won’t change. Very few people offer encouragement or even recognize the baby steps that they have taken.

I witnessed a change in their facial expressions, body language, posture and tone of voice when I offered compassion, a smile and a “well done”. It felt like pouring cool water on a fragile wilting plant.

Pema Chodrun shares that if one person can connect with their authentic self — and has the capacity to open their mind beyond narrow-mindedness — it makes it that much easier for others. She encourages each of us to find out what is at the root of our suffering and deescalate it.

When we have walked in another’s shoes, we have a greater appreciation for the challenges on their path. So many young people are floundering in their efforts to feel safe, valued and part of community. Human connection is sorely needed by all of us today. Never underestimate the value of your empathy and encouragement.