Family Relationships – Page 18 – Inspired New Horizons

A Year of Meditation

Making a commitment to practicing meditation twice a day for a full year in 2018 turned out to be a meaningful game changer for me. It was the mental equivalent of gaining the benefits from diet and exercise — more energy, more resilience and more clarity.

There were a few reasons I wanted to give mediation an earnest effort. Mindfulness and Brene Brown’s teachings had really opened my eyes to my conditioned responses to various triggers in my life.

So understanding how I get “hooked” and how I might subsequently react was part one of my personal growth process. Part two is getting better at managing those responses and emotions. That is a role that meditation plays.

We’ve all had those times in our lives when inadvertently someone hit a “soft spot” and we reacted poorly — losing our temper, stuffing our true emotions, or numbing ourselves. We get triggered emotionally and react out of habit.

Not getting hijacked by our racing thoughts, not getting caught up in someone else’s negative energy and being able to have good emotional regulation under pressure — those are all great tools that enable us to better listeners, stronger support systems and resourceful problem solvers.

Practicing meditation regularly helps tame those racing thoughts and return to a place of calm. Where there is calm, there is clarity. We can make better decisions with a clear head.

What further motivated me was learning that we practice meditation for others. Does that sound strange? It did to me until I discovered that mediation helps us bring our best selves to each relationship and each experience. A lot of miscommunication and misunderstandings can be averted when we remain calm and are able to give our full attention to another and to the unfolding situation at hand.

Lastly, I have always been fascinated by the neuroscience of meditation and the positive impact that it has on brain health.

Consider this compelling excerpt from The Chopra Center Website: Over the years, studies from the University of British Columbia and Harvard have proven that meditation is more than just a simple relaxation tool… it can have life-altering effects on your brain! Fascinating discoveries have shown that regular meditation: increases tissue mass in the area of the brain controlling impulses and maintaining attention; Increases thickness in the region of the brain responsible for body awareness and stress management; and shrinks the amygdala which is responsible for processing sadness, anxiety and negative emotions.

Here are a few examples of how daily mediation has impacted my quality of life in a positive way:

No more rumination — I was the queen of rumination, reliving past experiences, with a lot of the strong emotions still very much attached to hurtful experiences. Always looking for answers to questions that will forever remain unanswered. I’ll confess that I have had many a sleepless night thanks to rumination. Today if I recall a memory of a painful experience I can reframe it, review it with the knowledge and awareness I have today and learn from it. The best part is that the strong emotions that were a driving force in the rumination process are not present in the review process.

Being emotionally aware — When I get triggered or feel a strong emotion, I take time to really feel it and then take a big pause before I react. In that space, I can make a better choice about how (or if) to engage. My integrity and intention will guide me not a knee jerk reaction. I feel more in control. I learned a lot about the benefits of being emotionally. aware from Gary Zukav, author of Seat of the Soul. Meditation practice helped me learn how to do this in the heat of the moment.

Setting and keeping personal boundaries — As a born people pleaser, this was an area that I really needed to develop. I frequently gave in to keep others happy only to find myself unhappy, often feeling unappreciated and disrespected. I knew I was allowing this to happen by not having boundaries and it was fear that others wouldn’t like me or would think me insensitive that prevented me from setting them. That is no longer the case. I can articulate my personal boundaries to others clearly. Most importantly, I honor those boundaries myself — I have learned to say “no”. Oddly enough, it turns out that others actually respect you more when you do have personal boundaries. I will share that it was the guided mediation practices on the Headspace app that played a key role. The app offers a variety of courses in the Personal Growth section that help you dig deeper into those areas where you might be feeling challenged or uncomfortable.

Sleeping better – If I wake up in the middle of the night, I can stop my mind from heading onto the speed ramp of racing thoughts. Daily meditation practice has given me the skills to quiet my mind. Yet I think the real reason I am sleeping longer and more peacefully is due to the stress reduction throughout my day. Meditation is part of my daily self care routine — making time to sit quietly twice a day for the formal meditation practice. This really sets me up to be able to bring those skills into my daily life. So my days are calmer, less stressful, lighter and more productive. That’s a great way to go to bed.

I cleared out a lot of real estate in my busy brain thanks to meditation. It is much easier to be fully present to enjoy both the little and big moments in life when racing thoughts and triggered emotions aren’t distracting me.

Helpful Resources:

Headspace app, developed by Andy Puddicombe

Seat of the Soul, written by Gary Zukav

As always, I recommend watching YouTube videos and Ted Talks by Brene Brown, Deepak Chopra, John Kabat-Zinn and Rick Hanson. Oprah Winfrey’s SuperSoul Sundays on Facebook and her podcasts are also inspiring.

Positive Changes

When I started my blog over three years ago, I was in the early stages of learning about mindfulness and creating a vision of what I wanted from life as I ventured deeper into retirement alone.

Part of the motivation to begin blogging about this journey was to help others who also might be struggling with unplanned changes in their life. At the time, I was living in a large retirement community in central Florida surrounded by others in my age group with a myriad of life events that were also altering their well designed plans. A relationship breakup threw me into a bit of a tailspin and I realized I needed to reevaluate a lot of things in a new light.

Relationship breakups, health crisis and loss of loved ones are not restricted to retirement communities and I soon found that so many people at different stages of their life were similarly searching for ways to build a life that was rooted in balance, peace, trust and respect — and that would enable them to fully enjoy people and activities that they loved.

I am deeply grateful for my Florida friend who introduced me to Mindful Magazine because those articles and those teachers became the foundation for the reshaping of my life plan. She and I forged a buddy system for mindfulness in our lives and we encouraged each other as we dug deeper into what matters most for our happiness.

I won’t lie to you and say that it was easy to take a very deep look at myself and commit to changing old behavioral patterns that were not serving me well. Its really uncomfortable when you know in your heart you are a good person and you want only good for others, but just maybe the way you go about it is not beneficial in the long run.

There are so many great resources available to help us all better understand how and why we have developed our coping skills, our triggers and learned behavioral responses and even how our racing mind sabotages our best intentions.

If you check out some of my prior posts, you will know that I’ve been guided through my personal growth journey by Brene Brown, Rick Hansen, Thich Naht Hahn, Jon Kabat Zinn , Pema Chodrun ,Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey (just to. name a few).

I gained a deeper understanding of how my childhood experiences planted seeds of unhealthy behavioral patterns that I carried far into my adult life. I learned a lot about how my fears of confrontation negatively impacted my self esteem and wise decision making.

Perhaps the most enlightening thing that I uncovered was this: I have a passion for helping others and it brings me joy. Without boundaries however, I was devoting my time and energy to people who were unappreciative or unwilling to do for themselves. I became a magnet for needy people. In the process, I snuffed out my own joy. Now I understand why I felt so resentful.

While soaking up as much knowledge and understanding as I could process from all those inspirational leaders I mentioned above, it was necessary to sit alone and work through how all these revelations played out in my life.

That required a lot of journaling, a lot of crying and miles of long walks — not to mention more of Brene Brown’s Ted Talks.

Ultimately it also meant that I incorporated mediation into my personal development plan. And as noted in prior posts, I was terrible at it. Each time I sat down to meditate, ten thousand thoughts came rushing into my brain.

This was perhaps the one time where my natural stubbornness proved helpful. In 2018, I. made a commitment to meditate every day twice a day. Short meditations — after all I was being realistic. I used the Headspace app which helped me stay accountable to this goal as well as providing some really meaningful topics to explore. I did mostly guided mediations but by autumn, I ventured into unguided sessions too and was remarkably surprised to discover that I had the ability to clear my mind with ease. There are so many good things to share about meditation that I plan to devote another blog post to it very soon.

But for now, I want to share one of the greatest tools for breaking new ground while changing old habits — Friendship.

I am very blessed to have an incredible life long friend who has played an instrumental role as confidante, coach, cheerleader and sounding board. Ironically enough, both my friend and I had been taking stock of our lives in our early 60’s and knew in our hearts that we needed to make some serious changes if we wanted different results.

This is precisely where Brene Brown’s teachings hit home for me. My dear friend was the one I trusted the most to share my deepest, darkest parts of my life story. I could openly tell her about my insecurities, bad decisions, doubts and hardships. I’d carried some of this stuff buried deep for years. Being able to unburden myself with a friend that really listened was one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. And not surprisingly, when you find the courage to open up to someone you trust, they will often share in turn with you. My treasured friend and I have deepened our relationship in the most profound way. We have also helped each other through some very difficult but necessary behavioral changes. Today we high five each other when we tell our stories of how we handled a situation in a much more mindful and productive way.

While it is important to gain knowledge and insight from books, Ted Talks, journaling and meditating, I believe that having compassionate, caring friends that you trust are the glue that makes the personal growth process really come together and stay solidly in place.

As a direct result of all the hard work I have done on my self over these past few years, I have a peaceful, balanced and joyful life. That does not mean that I don’t have trials or troubles. It does mean that I can handle life’s adversities with grace and resilience.

I am a firm believer that when we share our stories and talk honestly about the work we’ve done to grow, we are a source of motivation and inspiration for others.

Helpful Resources:

Brene Brown, Researcer
Soundstrue.org
Mindful Magazine and Mindful.org
Rick Hanson, American psychologist
Pema Chodron, American Tibetan Buddhist
Jon Kabat Zinn, American Professor
Thich Nhat Hanh, Vietnamese Monk

The Vulnerability Connection

True connection with others often comes to us through some of the toughest moments in our lives. Isn’t it ironic that when we are our most vulnerable we are the in best possible place to receive love, support, encouragement and hope?

We shed our protective emotional armor in the face of our darkest, scariest moments and let in comfort, soothing words, a warm hug, caring helpers. The compassion, tenderness and kindness of others wraps around us like a warm soft blanket soothing our pains and fears.

Those caring helpers rise to the situation — setting aside their busy schedules, making time to listen, becoming more aware of another’s true needs.

When someone we love is struggling with a challenging life hardship, we step out of our comfort zones and find strength and courage to do what is needed. The desire to help overrides any fears we have about showing up and being really present for someone else.

All this happens very naturally in times of great crisis.

The phenomenon of being so vulnerable and having others recognize it and come to you with open arms and hearts is compassion in its truest form.

We learn a lot about ourselves when we are both the ones in need and also the ones who give.

When we are vulnerable, we break. open and soak in the offerings of love and support. We are just too weary, too scared, too overwhelmed to fight it. Have you ever silently powered through a difficult situation or problem, never once asking for the help or advice that might have eased the situation?

When we “show up” in a big way for someone in great need, we find our courage to be with someone who is in a very dark and lonely place. We take some light to them in the way of comforting words, shared tears, our time. That’s a big one — our time — suddenly we clear our busy calendars and we make time to just sit and listen. Do we do that enough in our every day lives?

Although it is often a big crisis that brings out the most nurturing genuine support and the willingness to accept it, there are so many small opportunities each and every day to make a difference in the lives of those we love.

Be willing to be a little more vulnerable and open us to those you trust and share your stories, your experiences, your problems. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness — it is an opportunity for someone who cares about you to feel valued by being able to offer support.

On the flip side, reach out to others in a meaningful way just in the course of ordinary daily life. A simple act of random kindness can truly have a big positive impact on another. A phone call, a coffee date, a handwritten card, an inside joke — these are all simple gestures that convey you care.

Our most meaningful relationships are often forged by stringing together all the small moments of real connection.

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” ……Brene Brown

Stay Calm and Problem Solve

Yesterday I had the most enlightened, dynamic conversation about our country with my shared ride driver – a 28 year old Russian immigrant. In 30 minutes, I got quite a history lesson from his personal experiences. No subject was left uncovered — immigration, gun control, drugs, politics, family and personal conflicts. It was obvious he had much on his mind and in his heart. Little did he know, but he gave me a fresh perspective on many things that were heavy on my mind about our country’s current environment.

I am always surprised by the nuggets of wisdom I get from chatting with others when I travel. Regardless of age, race, nationality or religion, conversations often flow easily especially if we connect with each other by some common thread. Could be grandchildren, travel adventures, current events or a book they are reading. Many times I find that I am challenged in a positive way to broaden my perspective by seeing things through another’s eyes.

As I said goodbye to my Russian driver yesterday, I reflected on this simple concept:

If we spent more time on finding our common ground, we’d most likely find the willingness to work together to solve our shared complex problems.

When we label, we are not helping — we simply create an “us vs. them” environment.

When we blame, we deflect responsibility for finding solutions.

When we bristle at things we disagree with, we close the door on learning from another perspective. Often the solutions to many problems lie in that space where things are really uncomfortable. Not insurmountable, simply uncomfortable. Get curious, ask questions, have civil and constructive conversations.

I have friends whose political views are quite different from my own. Yet our core values about family, personal integrity and making positive contributions to others is in full alignment. This collective group of friends have all experienced adversities in life where we depended on each other for support, encouragement, help. We did not let our political or party differences create a roadblock in our personal relationships.

Thanks to social media, especially Twitter, we are caught in an eddy of reactivity while being pelted with a hailstorm of opinions from news media and followers. We can barely catch our breath yet alone take time to process major events for ourselves.

Often the vulgar language, the name calling, and offensive vitriol is what catches our attention first — and what we immediately react to — missing completely the main issue that needs a resolution. We have examples of this poor behavior from both parties and celebrities.

It is a sad reflection on those who lose sight of their personal integrity by allowing their highly charged emotions to take control — spewing remarks they most surely must later regret. It is even sadder to think that many of these high profile people have a unique platform to present problems in an honest, intelligent way — and to solicit constructive conversations to find solutions.

Instead, that thunderstorm of contagious heated emotions clouds the core issues we must collectively address. We need to find our way back to civil discourse, courtesy and calm.

When parts of our country are hit with natural disasters (hurricanes, wildfires, volcanic eruptions), we seem to find our way back to humanity. Communities unite to help each other regardless of political party, race, status, religion. We band together to provide basic needs for survival and then for rebuilding. Help pours in from everywhere such as volunteers, fund raisers, even other countries offering aid.

Many of us are currently feeling heart-heavy, news weary and isolated from others because of labels. Each day we are given opportunities to get out of our comfort zone, to get curious and ask more questions especially of those with whom we disagree.

Perhaps if we treat our country’s complex issues as our collective problem and not problems created by party, we can stop the us vs. them game that feels like tug of war. We are all in this together.

The Practice of Meditation

Perhaps one of the biggest benefits of meditation is how much spaciousness it creates in that crazy racing mind of ours. Meditation is like a major decluttering experience for our busy brains.

I remember so very well the first time I attempted to meditate. Let’s just say it didn’t go so well — not only did my racing thoughts multiply, I heard every little sound in the entire house. At the time, I was ready to throw in the towel and say “this is definitely not for me”.

Then I recalled that I also felt this same way about golf when I first began to learn that complex game. I was overwhelmed with swing mechanics, club selection, rules and etiquette. Yet over time, I became passionate about golf. In fact, it has enriched my life in so many ways not the least of which is all the incredible friends I have made.

Is it any wonder that meditation was equally challenging for me that very first time I sat cross-legged on the floor? My mind was like a freeway of thousands of unrelated racing thoughts and no exits. I didn’t have the knowledge or skills to quiet my mind.

So I decided I’d have to use a similar approach to meditation that I did for golf — and not give up so readily. I lowered my expectations to a more realistic level acknowledging that I was not going to be instantly successful. I adopted a more open-minded (no pun intended) approach to my “practice”. Just as in golf, it is the tiny incremental improvements made over time that manifest themselves into big progress down the road.

Initially I found that guided meditation was an easier way to get started. A skilled meditation leader is like a golf instructor — offering you a few helpful instructions at the onset and then providing quiet space to try it on your own. Throughout a guided meditation practice, your “coach” will quietly remind you to bring your wandering mind back to your practice. Once you become aware of how often random, unrelated thoughts pop into your head, you begin to wonder how you effectively function at any task!

It was incredibly beneficial to have this guided framework for meditation. I learned a lot from meditation coaches about setting an intention for the practice, how to focus on the breath to keep the mind quiet, and how to train the mind to set aside distractions.

The “aha” moment for me was discovering that meditation is training the brain to be selective about thoughts and to discard thoughts that are interfering with the present moment experience. Consistent meditation practice helps you get more effective at doing this naturally in your active daily life.

The beauty of meditation is that over time, you free up a lot of space in your cluttered mind and that spaciousness is really transformational. You develop a newfound sense of awareness not only during meditation but also in your day to day life and in your relationships.

I first realized that my meditation was having a big impact when I woke up one night with thoughts running through my head and my new natural reaction was to take a few calming breaths and start letting those thoughts drift away. I was surprised at how quickly I fell back to sleep.

The most notable impact however is how my practice is now showing up during my waking hours. This “training of the brain” allows me to have a lot more clarity when I am making decisions, doing tasks and interacting with others. An added bonus is that I am enjoying all of these things more than ever because I am less distracted.

When I first started my daily meditation practice, I confess that it felt like a homework assignment — an obligation. Over time, I found that I was beginning to look forward to that quiet chunk of time. I now consider it an exercise program for my mind. Just like physical exercise makes me feel stronger and even more energized, meditation makes me feel grounded and more aware. I would have never guessed that one day I would look forward to my meditation practice with the same happy anticipation that I have for that steaming first cup of morning coffee.

In today’s busy world where we are bombarded with a steady stream of external distractions (especially from our technology), meditation can play a meaningful role for our quality of life. Decluttering our minds creates space for soaking up the moments in our daily lives that we treasure the most.

Valuable Resources for Learning More about Meditation:

Headspace App – guided mediation practices and animated informational videos

Mindful Magazine and Mindful.com – informational articles and links to resources

SoundsTrue.com – videos and guided meditation practices, articles

Meditation is Not What You Think – book authored by Jon Kabat-Zinn

Also, check into local meditation classes which are now being offered at health club, fitness centers and yoga studios.

The Value of Vulnerability

I had one of those “aha” moments recently while reflecting on a few of my close relationships that have really flourished over the past year. These are several very different relationships with one very strong common denominator — vulnerability. A willingness to share our vulnerability with each other has fostered our personal growth and mutual respect.

In those moments when experiences in our life are scary, dark or painful, when we are feeling most alone, confused or terrified — that is where is the greatest opportunity for true connection lies.

The really good stuff of relationships is often found in the murky, messy heartaches. If you can be the one who shows up and walks into that dark space with your friend or loved one – and you just sit and listen, you will be a tremendous source of comfort. What we need most when we are struggling or hurting is a safe place to show our vulnerability without judgment, criticism or even rescuing.

Brene Brown reminds us that vulnerability is not weakness. When we are wiling to share our vulnerability, we face emotional risk, exposure and uncertainty. She says it is our most accurate measure of courage — to let ourselves be seen and to be honest.

So, when someone comes to you and shares their pain, just know that it took a tremendous amount of courage for that person to open up like that. Most of the time, we are only going to turn to someone we wholeheartedly trust when we are feeling vulnerable. Occasionally we just might open up to a stranger believing that if they don’t know us, they can’t judge us. In the midst of conflict or struggle, all those emotions and feelings are bound to erupt somewhere. If you are the person someone turns to, then you have an incredible opportunity to forge a deeper connection and provide genuine support to someone in their moment of need.

This is where the second component of vulnerability comes into play and it is of paramount significance. Brene Brown’s research revealed that at the core of vulnerability are shame, fear and our struggle for worthiness. And even more importantly, it is the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love.

Understanding this full spectrum of vulnerability enables us to be kinder and more compassionate to ourselves and ultimately to our friends and loved ones too.

Unfortunately we often hijack the process of working through our tough emotions. We may want to avoid those negative emotions so we look for ways to numb the pain. The solution might be a couple of drinks or a pint of ice cream. Another numbing technique is blaming — offload that pain and discomfort onto someone else. Or we might choose to avoid them by stuffing them deep inside.

The downside of all this numbing of the negative emotions is that we simultaneously numb the good stuff — joy, gratitude and happiness. Brene wisely points out that we cannot selectively numb only the tough emotions.

When we lose sight of gratitude, joy and happiness, it is really. hard to pull ourselves out of despair. When life throws us for a loop, one of the greatest tools we possess to help us get back on track is gratitude. Gratitude will ground us — reminding us of our strengths, our resources and those who support us. Gratitude can be a huge calming factor in the face of chaos. And it most definitely is a springboard for problem resolution.

It takes time and lots of it to fully process a hurtful or stressful experience. We have to work through the tough emotions to get to the other side where we can restore our happiness and peace. Recognizing that our vulnerability is truly courage and a source of strength can shift us from feeling inadequate to a deep sense of worthiness.

Many times when someone reaches out to us, they are struggling not only with a painful situation but also the feeling of disconnection. It hits hard and magnifies the tough emotions when we feel isolated. It is in those moments that we make the most significant impact for another human being. When we give our time — to sit and listen, to be genuinely empathic and kind — we are giving connection.

It’s ironic that in the past I thought I had to be a problem solver for others in order to ease their pain. I hate to see people hurting and I’d do just about anything to dry the tears, right the wrong (even if it wasn’t my wrong to right), and bolster self-esteem. Truth be told, it was merely temporary comfort (maybe even a soft form of numbing) and in the long run was not all that helpful.

The best thing we can do to help another when they are facing challenges and struggles is to help them empower themselves. Well-meaning friends and relatives may have different opinions about what we should do, but ultimately we must make our own decisions.

As I reflect on the relationships that have flourished over this past year thanks to vulnerability, I realize that there is a strong sense of self-worth and satisfaction in each of us for what we have overcome. We’ve had the courage to be completely honest with each other and have shared our life stories with our whole heart.

We have a true sense of belonging and acceptance — and not in spite of our life stories — but because of them. Our friendships are deeper and we share a lot more laughter these days. We also know without a doubt that when the next struggle shows up, we will be there for each other. It’s hard for us to imagine that we cannot survive whatever life has to throw at us considering all the things we’ve collectively experienced. Best of all, we are our authentic selves.

For More Information on Vulnerability and Connection, check out Brene Brown’s TED talks on You Tube and her books, including I Thought It was Just Me. Brene Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston. Check her out on brenebrown.com and on Facebook.

Time for Change

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged though there has been so much on my mind and in my heart to write about. Over the past few months there have been many reminders of how quickly lives can change. What concerns me is how quickly we forget the lessons learned and go back to living our lives the same old way.

I’ve been so inspired by the young students from Parkland who show such courage in voicing their needs, their fears, and their outcry for changes. Let us not forget that they are still grieving and still reeling from the trauma of such a horrific tragedy. They never expected to be fighting for gun control reforms as teenagers in high school.

Their vulnerability is as raw as it gets. And they use it passionately as a launchpad for their growing movement for change. They are not fearful of conflict, criticism or failure in their quest. These high school students lived through their worst fears ever on Valentine’s Day.

They want — and they deserve — to be heard, to be valued and to feel safe (at school, at a concert, in a movie theatre, at home).

In the past month and a half, these young people have grown in a multitude of ways and matured far beyond their age. They’ve become articulate, poised public speakers and impassioned change makers. Their accomplishments in that very short timeframe are compelling. Not only did they set goals, they implemented them: Walkouts at schools across the country; amassing social media followers around the globe; and the national March for Our Lives occurring today.

What stands out with these Parkland students is that they want safety in schools for everyone — students, teachers, everyone in our schools – for the common good of all.

Brene Brown (Research professor at the University of Houston and author of three #1New York Times Bestsellers) offers this insight about many of the problems our country is facing today:

“When we ignore fear and deny vulnerability, fear grows and metastasizes. We move away from a belief in common humanity and unifying change and move into blame and shame.”

These high school kids get that. They are sharing their emotional horrific stories about that fateful day and urging us to take immediate action so no other child may ever have a similar experience. They care deeply about each other. It matters — and it matters to all of us.

Here is another quote from Brene Brown that drives home our responsibility to come together and find meaningful solutions to a growing, complex problem in this country.

“If we are going to change what is happening in a meaningful way we’re going to need to intentionally be with people who are different from us. We’re going to have to sign up and join, and take a seat at the table. We’re going to have to learn how to listen, have hard conversations, look for joy, share pain, and be more curious than defensive, all while seeking moments of togetherness.”

It is often noted that children teach us so much about what is truly important in life. The Parkland students have wasted no time in reminding us that ignoring gun violence is no longer acceptable.

Welcoming a New Year

There is something about a brand new year that I find so inspiring. It is full of hope and possibilities, of wonderment and curiosity. It is a crisp clean slate on which to write the next chapter of our story. This year I have decided to do away with New Year’s resolutions and instead create a 2018 To Do List. It’s a fresh perspective on an old tradition.

And speaking of perspective, I’m putting significant stock in some valuable lessons from this past year as I look at the horizon of this fresh new year.

My daughter laughed when I told her that throughout many years, my New Year’s resolutions always started with “lose 10 pounds”. The truth is that I would lose and then find that 10 pounds on and off throughout each and every year.

Being healthy is much more encompassing than what we weigh. Friends and family members faced a variety of health issues over the past year. I had a cancer scare myself in the spring. It served as a reminder to be proactive in my overall health and well being.

There are many components to a comprehensive wellness program. I’m a firm believer in the benefits of probiotics and quality supplements , the healing powers of restful sleep for brain and body, and how interval training slows the aging process. Mindfulness and meditation are additionally beneficial for stress reduction and emotional regulation.

When we hold a positive self image in our minds for a few minutes each day, our bodies and brains eagerly join our team and assist us in reinforcing smarter choices to keep us on a healthy track. Being mindful while exercising helps muscles work more efficiently. The same is true for helping our bodies absorb nutrients in our food.

Staying active, making healthy food choices, getting quality sleep, and consuming more water are sustainable daily goals. One of my favorite resources to keep me motivated is Experience Life Magazine (experience life.com).

During 2017, I was in constant amazement of the resiliency of others as they faced adversities including hurricanes, devastating wildfires, mass shootings, the loss of a beloved spouse or a serious health diagnosis. So many people I care about were affected by life’s challenges last year. We witnessed an outpouring of human connection as people came together to offer aid, support and comfort to those in need.

No one would have anticipated what 2017 had in store for them last January. Lives changed, goals and dreams were altered. It is a reminder that there are no guarantees in life, second chances are rare, and the only constant is change. I’ll spend more time strengthening valued relationships and expressing my gratitude and appreciation.

Perhaps my biggest revelation from 2017 was how freeing it was to let go of how I thought things were supposed to be or wished that they were – and learn to accept things as they are.

Recalling the Serenity Prayer, I began to focus on the “wisdom of knowing the difference between things I can change and the things that I cannot”. When strong emotions are in play, it is often hard to recognize this striking difference, especially if it involves personal relationships.

We’ve all faced disappointments in life when things didn’t work out as we had envisioned. We can get so caught up in ruminating, judging or blaming that we lose perspective. Not to mention the fact that we squander precious time and energy on matters out of our control.

My personal boundaries for trust and respect have helped me maintain patience and broaden my perspective around things in life that I cannot change.

Here’s my motto for the coming year which is bound to be full of opportunities to practice “letting go”.

Collective Energy is a SuperPower

I recently participated in the 5 Day of You Challenge through Collective Evolution , an organization that inspires change. Their motto is “action is everything – both within us and in our communities.” Collective Evolution is a popular alternative media outlet for people to engage in conscious content that expands our everyday way of thinking.

This global five day challenge was a motivational jumpstart for anyone wanting to live more consciously and introduced meditation, mindfulness and journaling as effective tools for self improvement. We were also encouraged to envision what each of us could do to make meaningful positive contributions to humankind and challenged to begin taking daily small steps toward that common goal.

Members of the group came from all over the globe, were diverse in cultures, beliefs, ages and experiences. Many posted photos of their homeland with detailed descriptions of their way of life. We all found much common ground in our basic human needs regardless of our diversities, It was that human connection and shared desire for positive change that united us.

Each day, participants were encouraged to post about their experiences or thoughts on each challenge assignment. What I found to be so heartwarming was how supportive this group of strangers was to others who openly shared their stories, their obstacles and their goals for personal growth.

While a large number of the participants were already working on better versions of themselves, there were many brave souls just starting out or starting again (some for umpteenth time). Those people who were struggling and were courageous enough to admit it, received an outpouring of support and encouragement . Quite often they received meaningful commentary from empathetic people who had faced similar life experiences.

It is rather remarkable that it can be easier to tell a complete stranger things that are so difficult to share with your closest friend or family member.

In this case, each member knew that they were part of a collective group that was committed to self-improvement and more conscious living. Without judgment and criticism, participants could openly share their fear and struggles. It was a safe place.

Just let that sink in for a moment — it was a safe place to be vulnerable — without judgment.

When we go through life with suppressed feelings, insecurities and unspoken dreams, a lot of emotional pressure builds up. So being able to pour it all out and have others respond kindly and empathically provides tremendous relief.

In this group, there was a groundswell of encouragement and enlightenment as people shared their own stories, often admitting how hard it was to get on the other side of a tough life experience or to commit to positive behavioral changes. Compassion and understanding were the stepping stones. The focus was on helping.

Now here is where things got really interesting for me. Many of you already know that I am a huge fan of Brene Brown and her research on vulnerability and shame. Brene encourages us to own our stories and to eventually share our stories but only with those who have earned the right to hear them.

I thought that this must mean, someone close to you, who really knows you, who has your best interests at heart. Someone you know well and whom you can trust completely.

So how was it that all these strangers across the globe, of all ages and diverse cultural backgrounds, could so openly hear another’s story and compassionately extend encouragement and support?

Here are some valuable observations:

A lot of participants in the 5 Day Challenge are committed to making the world a better place and recognize that each of us can contribute something to the greater good. Many participants have spent years working on their own improvements and have a strong desire to help others especially those who might have similar circumstances. Businesses, non-profits, online sites and community outreach programs have all been born out of their life experiences coupled with a desire to give back and make a difference. So in this regard, anyone who was struggling had the confidence to know that this was a very supportive collective group of people with a myriad of life trials and successes of their own. Noteworthy: This diverse collection of people became a fluid support group for survivors, strugglers and works-in-progress. By its very nature, it was a safe place to bring up any issue. People finding common ground with each other can break down barriers.

Another key factor is that a person in need actually took personal responsibility and recognized that they wanted to make positive life changes. It may be why they signed up to participate in the 5 Day Challenge in the first place. They were willing to directly ask for help, or at the very least admit that they were having a difficult time getting started. Noteworthy: When someone asks for help, recognize that it took courage. Make a difference by listening to learn rather than listening to respond.

Throughout the exchange of supportive posts, one person might point out something in another that they had not seen or recognized in themselves. It might have been a positive small step forward, or an act of kindness to another. Noteworthy: Positive reinforcement is a powerful tool in helping someone to see their own self worth. When someone is honestly working on positive life changes, help them see their progress — especially the baby steps.

My takeaways from this inspiring 5 Day Challenge was this: Finding common ground is like glue for relationships. Working toward a common goal is very unifying. Judgment and criticism often arise from past history (with ourselves and with others). Changes and healing will be fostered when we set aside judgment. The best gift we can give someone (even ourselves) is acknowledging their progress. Be a cheerleader and keep encouraging those changes that improve quality of life. We all have the power to make a difference for others each and every day if you keep your heart and mind open.

What the world needs now

The past several months we have witnessed incredible devastation and loss of human lives due to hurricanes, earthquakes, wildfires, the tragic event in Las Vegas and the loss of U S. soldiers So many people have suffered a myriad of physical, emotional and psychological traumas through their personal experiences with each of these events. More than ever, humankind needs us to be generous and not only with financial donations. We need to be especially forthcoming with compassion and empathy, kindness and patience.

It’s hard to comprehend how many lives have significantly been impacted by all those events cited above. It includes family members and friends, first responders, volunteers, hospital and emergency employees, power company employees, clean up crew members and so many more. It’s a big ripple effect out into our communities, taking a physical, emotional and psychological toll on each and every one.

I’ve heard some stories and accounts firsthand — it was heartbreaking to see the depth of emotional pain in another human being. It will be a very long time for the grieving, the healing and the return to some sort of normalcy for so many people.

Over lunch with friends recently, we talked openly about our life experiences with the loss of loved ones, of battling cancers, and a myriad of life tragedies that happened in our families. Then we talked about what helped each of us most as we put one foot in front of the other each day as we slowly rebuilt our lives. Without fail, it was the kindness and compassion of another human being that made a heartfelt lasting impact in our journey.

What the world needs now is lots of kindness and compassion, more love and understanding. When my grandmother was passing away, I recall saying to my uncle that “all we could do was pray” and he turned to face me. A smile crossed his face as he took my hands into his and he said “Everything we can do is pray.” He changed my whole perspective with just one word.

You may not realize that the time you spend just sitting and listening to another as they unload their hurt and sadness is priceless to them. It is everything.

You may not be aware that your handwritten note of sympathy is read a dozen times a day by someone who just lost a spouse or a child. It is a tribute to the person they love and mourn.

Looking into another’s eyes and acknowledging them is such a simple gesture yet it has more impact than you can imagine. Trust me, they will feel that human connection.

Human connection, being fully present for another person, opening our hearts to the struggles that others are facing and being a safe place for them to share — these gifts are everything to someone in need. Make time to be more aware as you go through your day and engage with others.

This Saturday is National Make a Difference Day. How odd that we have such a day. Shouldn’t every day be an opportunity to make a difference in someone’s life?

Just remember that what seems small to you just might be everything to someone else.