I’m reminded this morning of the Apostles Creed …”may the peace which passes all understanding, keep your hearts and minds open”.
As a young mother sitting in church with my three children, I found those words comforting but I probably just recited them mindlessly.
When I embarked on a life change 5 years ago, I wrote in my journal that peace was my priority. I was exhausted from the myriad of ways that peace was disrupted and often over trivial matters. Preserving my energy for the big stuff that life was bound to throw at me became a priority.
I have learned through much work that peace resides inside of me … and when I calm my racing thoughts, when I anchor myself with my values…. I give myself peace even in the midst of unfolding chaos. It is from this space that I can choose how to show up — for myself and others.
This was the most critical and necessary work I have done in my life. The big surprise was that in getting to know myself better, in finding some peace and more quiet space, I came to have greater compassion and empathy for others.
There is a foggy haze that blinds us when life is always stirred up, swirling in negative energy, too much noise. It is nearly impossible to hear what another is telling us amidst all the commotion. It is equally hard to see —with our eyes, our creative brains, and our hearts — what is at the root of the problems with that foggy haze of chaos.
I am feeling the metaphors of our collective experiences calling to me today. The Arizona sky has been hazy and blurred by the heavy smoke of raging fires from far away. Phones and iPads stream and scream in all caps all day long — like a ticker tape in Times Square . So much negative energy emanates from the body language and reactive emotions of others on TV and in our streets that wire cutters are needed just to walk through it.
My heart is aching every day for each and every person on this planet who is facing whatever their own indIvidual life situation might be. The state of our union amplifies their struggles and diminishes their joy.
We need a rest break. We need silence, space… a little peace.
Sometimes I discover a rich nugget of wisdom that seems to keep finding its way to me — a common thread that weaves itself in books, movies, songs and even the news. The nugget of wisdom that keeps appearing recently is “paradox”.
The wisdom of paradox — the ability to hold two seemingly opposite positions at the same time –– first landed on me as I read Richard Rohr’s book, Falling Upward. It resonated with me so deeply because of the current combination of complex, competing issues facing our country. It seems as if we are facing multiple paradoxes and we could use a lot of help with the tension.
Richard Rohr encourages us to experience the paradox in our lives as a way of “holdingcreative tension.” He offers this observation: “We are better at rushing to judgment and demanding a complete resolution to things before we have learned what they have to teach us.”
Just sit with that for a moment. It is a real life recognition of knee jerk reactions and falling into habitual responses and behavioral patterns that simply aren’t working anymore. This is incredibly evident in the constant stream of instant responses to current events that land on social media even as the news is still breaking. Long before we even have all the facts. Long before we give ourselves time to examine it from all sides free from bias and automatic judgments.
I used to ask my kids as teenagers and young adults, “What have you learned from this experience? ” They were not big fans of this question, preferring a minor reprimand or loss of privilege to the harder task of actually thinking about the consequences of an action or decision. While that may be a reasonable preference as a young adult, it is what Richard Rohr calls to our attention as we mature. Our paradox as older and hopefully wiser adults is to be able to sit with the reality of a current situation and process it in a responsible, respectful, more reflective way.
Richard Rohr is also a big proponent of the Enneagram as a tool for self-discovery and greater self awareness. Although he does not reference the Enneagram directly in his book Falling Upward, he does stress the value of being self-aware. He stresses that as we mature and gain wisdom from our fallings and our failings, we may realize that behavioral patterns that served us well when we were younger are no longer effective. In fact, they may be roadblocks in our lives. It’s ironic that we expect our young children to move out of their emotional stages as they grow, but rarely as adults do we measure our own progress with emotional intelligence.
The paradox that seems to reveal itself is one of both “self-awareness” and “other awareness”. Both Richard Rohr and Brene Brown teach that this is where we find compassion and empathy — for ourselves and for others. The creative tension is recognizing that (a) there is a legitimate problem or an issue that needs to be addressed and (b) that we bring differing perspectives, opinions and emotions to the discussion and (c) that we will gain traction in problem resolution when we let go of blaming and denial, of playing the role of victim or demoting others and (d) we will move toward finding solutions when we listen to each other with respect and without judgment.
I found Richard’s assessment of those who have grown in wisdom, age and grace to be one of the most beautiful examples of paradox: “Mature people are not “either or thinkers”, but they bathe in the ocean of “both-and.”“
In late August, Brene Brown posted on her Facebook page about the paradox of “straddling the tension and trying not to tap out. Forever convincing ourselves that we can hold so many contradictory pieces and feelings.” Wow – that really struck a chord as I reflected on the many struggles that friends and family are juggling as this pandemic stretches into a new school year. There are so many changes that young families must deal with and each member of the family has a range of emotions and insecurities that ebb and flow throughout the day. The paradox of parenting in the current environment takes creative tension to a whole new level. More than ever we need to be kind and patient with each other.
Brene reminds us that “not only are tension and contradictory pieces OK and normal, they are the magic sauce.” It may not feel that way in a stress filled moment, but I think this accompanying quote from her describes the paradox of parenthood perfectly.
Now that I have been paying closer attention to the word paradox, I am discovering that paradoxes appear everywhere. In fact, in my book club we actively discuss them in the best possible way — with a keen interest in learning more by sharing different perspectives and keeping an open mind. My base of knowledge on complex subjects has expanded exponentially. We are sparking creative conversations and motivating each other to read more, research more and to ask compelling questions.
Life is full of many paradoxes and we would be doing the world a great service to become aware of them — and to hold those opposing ideas with grace, maturity, and integrity.
Five years ago, I was at a crossroads in my life when I finally stood silent and could hear the red flags flapping in a 40 mile an hour wind. For far too long, I had been looking outward for the answers to my deepest questions. It was time to do some serious internal self-examination and hit the reset button for the next chapter of my life. I even said out loud — “I need to be at my best for whatever the future might hold and I can’t be my best when I am so drained and feeling so disconnected from all that I love and value most.”
How did I get so far from the fulfilling life I envisioned for myself? A simple answer surfaced — I had been living on autopilot, unconsciously relying on old behavior patterns. There is a natural evolution process that occurs as we go through life, shaped by our experiences and our responses to them. The secret to growing through our experiences is self-awareness. So often we inadvertently push away the growth opportunities waiting to emerge simply because we feel comfortable staying in the old familiar habits.
An inspiring resource for personal my growth has been Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith and he articulates exactly what I was feeling in that moment five years ago:
I feel this is very true today for our global community and especially true for our country. Our collective pain is being pushed around, back and forth — and the ongoing uncertainties are causing us fatigue. And I also believe that a larger vision is pulling us. I take heart and find hope in those people who inspire, educate and challenge us to pull together for the collective greater good.
There is a noteworthy common thread running through the lessons we have in front of us: It’s time to be consciously aware. If ever there was a time to stop operating on auto pilot with our preconditioned responses to things that scare us or that we disagree with, it is now.
Brene Brown’s most recent podcast is a solo episode where she opens up about why accountability is a prerequisite for change. She openly shares her personal experiences and her strategies for pulling her “thinking brain” back on line when she feels flight or fight energy. Her mantra is one I plan on using myself — “I am here to get it right, not to be right.” She also reminds us to be wary of calling, texting, posting or emailing when you are caught up in strong negative emotions.
Dr. Michael Beckwith shares that “people live in reaction or choice. Choice is when you have awareness.” We witness knee jerk reactions every day in the news and on social media. These emotionally charged reactions are not helpful and often create more confusion, more blaming, and no acceptance of accountability. Rather than throw another log on a raging fire, we can pause and let our own heated emotions settle down. We are capable of stopping our habitual reactionary patterns that often push away needed forward progress. Not surprisingly, one of Michael Beckwith’s most ardent suggestions is that we get very skilled at listening. Taking the time to truly listen is a lost art. When we truly listen (without planning our retort or response), we may find the answers to questions we never thought to ask.
As I have worked on myself, shedding the old patterns and embracing healthier new ones, I discovered that my awareness of others has grown exponentially. I have become a keen observer, patiently looking past the flurry of emotions that others armor up with and seeking to discover what is truly hurting them. I began to see that there were repetitive behavior patterns that emerged in others. Michael Beckwith calls this the “merry go round” and I laughed out loud recalling years ago when I told someone I would not buy a ticket for their emotional “merry go round” ride again. We can readily recognize these predictable patterns in the daily news cycle. If we want to be part of a meaningful change, we have to stop going in circles. Get off the dizzying merry go round.
Taking the time to educate ourselves beyond what we currently know, requires that we be open-minded about perspectives that are different than our own. Each and every one of us has stories of our life that has impacted us in unique ways. Our personal stories hold the connectors that will bridge our divides and help us look at the many facets of our very complex problems. Can we really hear another’s story and not feel our shared humanity?
Lately something has been happening so frequently that we have almost normalized it — using “dehumanizing language and labels” to fuel the “us vs. them” mindset for our collective issues. This creates an instantaneous divide laced with superiority or inferiority. It is an insurmountable impediment to facing the reality of our problems and finding over-arching solutions for the greater good of all. Brene Brown distills the devastating consequences of dehumanizing labels:
“Dehumanizing often starts with creating an enemy image. As we take sides, lose trust, and get angrier and angrier, we not only solidify an idea of our enemy, but also start to lose our ability to listen, communicate, and practice even a modicum of empathy.” — Brene Brown
Empathy is absolutely necessary to get past blaming and shaming so that we can get to the meaningful work of understanding how we are all affected by our collective struggles. Only then can we pull back the curtain that obscures us from taking a calm, comprehensive, cohesive reality check. Shame kills empathy.
Brene Brown has studied shame and vulnerability for over 20 years. She was diving into this work since before 9-11. She explains that empathy and shame are on opposite ends of a continuum. “Shame results in fear, blame (of self or others), and disconnection. Empathy is cultivated by courage, compassion and connection. Empathy is the most powerful antidote to shame.”
We are all very much connected and affected by our first time experience with a global pandemic and quarantine, by the ongoing systemic problems of racism and inequalities and with the divisiveness of politics. It is my hope that we can individually raise our consciousness so that we are contributing in constructive, positive way to find solutions to our realities.
Every day in this country, collectively diverse groups of people come together setting aside gender, age, race, political party and more to help us as a whole. They are health care workers on the front line fighting COVID-19. They are teachers, first responders, food industry workers, our military. They are also fathers and mothers, daughters and sons, grandparents, brothers and sisters, children. Coming together for the good of others, even those we disagree with, is more than possible. Dr. Michael Beckwith encourages us with these words “our potential is always greater than our problems.”
Maya Angelou so wisely said “When you know better, you do better.” Let’s consciously strive to do better.
Suggested Resources:
The New Normal Podcast with Chief Master Sergeant of the Air Force Kaleth O. Wright (with Brene Brown). There is also a recent episode with Dr. David Kessler and one entitled the Power of Social Media.
Imagine my surprise when I stumbled across the most incredible tool for self-awareness and discovering our true potential in Brene Brown’s recent podcast. Brene’s dynamic interview with Chris Heuertz opened my mind to the encompassing transformational value of the Enneagram. His tender and compassionate way of describing what each of the 9 type’s biggest struggles are just tugged at my heartstrings.
The Enneagram is one of the most powerful and insightful tools for understanding ourselves and others. At its core, the Enneagram helps us to see ourselves at a deeper, more objective level and can be of invaluable assistance on our path to self-knowledge. —– The Enneagram Institute (www.enneagraminstitute.com)
I had once taken the Enneagram test online and was familiar with the attributes of my Type. At that time, I viewed it mostly as an affirmation of my personality much like a Zodiac sign or Myers-Briggs assessment.
What I did not know however was that basic summary only scratched the surface of what I could learn from the Enneagram.
As Chris Heuretz points out, most of us look at our Enneagram Type and happily confirm those attributes we view as positive and sideline those traits that make us uncomfortable. As a result, we end up fragmented by trying to hide or protect our vulnerabilities. Brene Brown has been teaching us for years , it is those very vulnerabilities that hold the key to our richest treasures — love, creativity, connection.
With his latest book, The Enneagram of Belonging, Chris skillfully guides us through the process of personal discovery to bravely face those traits we hide or protect. He gracefully coaches us to embrace our full human self with compassion and self-acceptance. You may ask why this is so important. Chris says “the truth is the way we treat ourselves is the way we also treat others.”
Chris believes that the way we make the world a better place is to start with ourselves and then let it flow out to our relationships, our communities and the world. As Maya Angelou taught “when we know better, we do better.”
Chris Heuretz is a longtime Enneagram teacher in addition to being the author of The Sacred Enneagram and The Enneagram of Belonging. His website offers blog posts, podcasts and other resources to broaden our knowledge. (http://www.chrisheuretz.com) I listened to a podcast he did with his friend and author, Beatrice Chestnut. Immediately captivated by her personal and professional experiences with the Enneagram, I just had to read her book too.
Beatrice Chestnut’s book, The Complete Enneagram is a compelling instructional book that was hard to put down. I quickly realized how her dynamic handbook would have expedited my own discovery process a few years ago. I had taken a more circuitous way to unearth my patterned roadblocks through mindfulness, meditation and lots of self exploration. As Beatrice writes about the Enneagram — “it’s like having your own personal owner’s manual.”
I began to view the Enneagram as a treasure map with a personalized Key for each Type that pinpoints the coping strategies and learned behavioral patterns we commonly use. It also provides the trail back to the origin of those patterns. We move through decades of our life leaning heavily on those familiar patterns, but unconsciously aware that they are making our lives more complex. The hidden treasure lies in growing into the most healthy potential of our Type once we understand what has been holding us back and learning to live more consciously.
As I began to absorb and process all that I was learning about myself, I could readily look back at various times in my life where my conditioned patterns showed up and see very clearly how they played out. Instead of chastising myself, I was now able to own it and even laugh about it in some cases. Perhaps the most impactful transformation for me was gaining insight about early life experiences that conditioned me to repress my feelings, to rush in as a soothing helper and avoid conflict at all costs. This knowledge is a powerful catalyst for conscious living today.
As Chris talked about all of the 9 types in the Enneagram with Brene Brown, my heart really opened up to what each and every one of us deals with through our own personalities, the life experiences that shape us and the way that we navigate our lives. Once we understand what our own Type wrestles with, our compassion for all the other Types just naturally seems to expand. Another bonus is when we learn to stop getting caught in a reactive response pattern and lean in more to another — to proactively listen and to be fully present. Both Chris and Beatrice provide many reminders that this work is on-going and part of the continual growth process. We get chances to practice every day if we are just paying attention.
Growth spurts can happen at any stage of life. It’s fun and rewarding to notice the positive changes in yourself and how it supports those around you. Mindfulness, mediation and contemplative practice enhance all that we learn about ourselves and others through the Enneagram. The changes we hope to facilitate for the greater good of all start with us.
Chris’s work has change how I understand myself and the people around me. It has brought me closer to myself and my true essence. I’m grateful for Chris’s willingness to clear a path and walk alongside us in love and compassion.” — Brene Brown
Back in early March, I was in the midst of composing a blog post about shifting our perspectives in the hum drum “ordinary-ness” of our day to day lives and then seemingly overnight everything changed for all of us due to the COVID-19 health crisis. Now we are longing for the very routine things we took for granted (and possibly even complained about) just a few weeks ago.
I can’t tell you how many times over the past 6 weeks, I have sat down with my laptop hoping to ooze some comfort and words of wisdom only to come up empty. It wasn’t lack of inspiration, but rather a strong desire to share the full breadth of dynamic, eloquent, uplifting messages from many of my favorite motivators. So, I am dedicating this blog post to the invaluable resources that are keeping me hopeful, courageous, supportive and inspired through this challenging time:
Oprah & Deepak 21-Day Meditation Experience – Hope In Uncertain Times https://chopracentermeditation.com/experience Several times throughout each year, Oprah Winfrey and Deepak Chopra offer a free 21-Day mediation experience. This particular program was designed specifically for our current global health crisis. I used to think that having hope was just about being optimistic but after this 21-day experience I’ve come to revel in the fact that hope is as tangible and vibrant as love. Day 1 leaves no doubt as it is aptly entitled “The Power of Hope is Real.“
Elizabeth Lesser on Facebook – Elizabeth is a best selling author (Broken Open) and co-founder of Omega Institute, the largest adult education center in the United States focusing on health, wellness, spirituality and creativity. I’ve often thought that she’s the kind of person who becomes an instant friend. Visit Elizabeth Lesser’s Facebook page for her poems, her livestreams, and her beautiful creative writings. Her recent poem “No One Told the Daffodils” will resonate with any nature lover. https://www.facebook.com/ElizLesser/
Omega Institute offers diverse content to awaken the best in human spirit. Be sure to check out the videos section and especially the one entitled “Love and Awakening in the Time of a Global Pandemic”. https://www.facebook.com/eOmega.org/
Brene Brown’s “Unlocking Us” Podcasts. The dynamic and oh so relatable Brene Brown launched her brand spanking new podcast series on March 19th — yep….right in the midst of our quarantine due to the pandemic. She had no way of knowing in advance that her focus on this very first one — on staying in the tough times rather than checking out — would be so poignant. And of course she skillfully addressed our collective first time experience of being in a pandemic. Since the initial launch in mid-March, she has added 7 more podcasts and she’s had some fascinating guests such as Alicia Keys, David Kessler, Glennon Doyle, Dr. Marc Brackett and more. My all-time personal favorite podcast was on March 26th entitled “Comparative Suffering, the 50/50 Myth, and Settling the Ball”. Brene has an uncanny ability to recognize how we are feeling no matter how we try to mask it or pretend otherwise. In this episode she talked candidly about falling apart, staying connected and kind, and giving ourselves permission to feel hard things. Brene happily recognizes that many us are logging a few miles on our fitness trackers as we listen to her podcasts. If you love Brene, grab your earbuds –you are in for a treat! I’ve been listening to her podcasts on Spotify. You can check them out on her Facebook page also. https://www.facebook.com/brenebrown/
Headspace — Just before the pandemic, Headspace had launched two new features on the app — Community Story and The Wake Up. As the health crisis unfolded, The Wake Up feature began to tailor its content to the myriad of emotions and real-life challenges we are facing as we “shelter in”. The Wake Up feature is a daily short video with engaging presenters chock full of solid ideas and inspiration. Some of these videos have been so fascinating even my grandchildren enjoy them. Headspace is offering free support during the healthcare crisis, so please go to their website to check out the details. https://www.headspace.com
For many of us, this quarantine has underscored the many small components of our daily lives that truly weave themselves into the fabric of our lives and makes us stronger, more grateful and more aware of how we are all so inextricably connected. Now more than ever, we can step back, take a deep breath and ask ourselves “What have we learned from this experience?”
I was searching for a mental image that would capture just how I was feeling about the constant barrage of emotional ups and downs of a loved one who lacked the ability to discern between a big deal and a small one. And that’s when it struck me and I said “I am like a tube of toothpaste and each time you squeeze me to respond to another temper tantrum, I use up valuable patience and emotional reserves that we will both need for bigger life events down the road. When that times comes, you do not want to be rolling me up tight and squeezing hard to get that last little bit out.”
I’ve used that “tube of toothpaste” analogy a few times in my life for people who needed to work on their emotional regulation and productive coping skills. It was something that I tried to instill in my children especially when they were teenagers. I was encouraging them to make a determination for themselves about whether their current issue was a 1 or a 10 on the scale of “big stuff in life”.
What I’ve come to realize over these past couple of years is that the sooner we learn tools for self-control and emotional intelligence, we not only have happier and more stable lives, we give our brains a remarkable gift.
Our thoughts and emotions contribute to our overall health. I’m sure you have experienced how your heart races and your breath grows fast and shallow when you are really upset. Imagine the toll that this is taking on you physically. And if you are getting upset often and easily angered, your brain is getting wired for this super-charged negativity bias. While it may not be as obvious as a racing heart or finding it hard to breathe, this is some serious toxicity in the the brain.
Consider what Dr. Rick Hanson shares in his blog post “Take in the Good”:
The negativity bias shows upin lots of ways. For example, studies have found that:
In a relationship, it typically takes five good interactions to make up for a single bad one.
People will work much harder to avoid losing $100 than they will work to gain the same amount of money.
Painful experiences are much more memorable than pleasurable ones.
In effect, the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones. That shades “implicit memory” – your underlying expectations, beliefs, action strategies, and mood – in an increasingly negative direction. (https://www.rickhanson.net/take-in-the-good/
As a parent, partner or close friend who is striving to balance all that negativity bias for another, it can be exhausting and contagious. I knew that I did not want to get “used up” on minor issues when later on down the road there would be weddings and babies, job changes, health issues and so much more.
What I wish that I had many years ago was the knowledge and experience of mindfulness and meditation — for myself and for those that needed some really good tools for dealing with their emotions and a negativity bias.
I recently completed a 21-day Perfect Health Mediation program with Deepak Chopra and Oprah (https://chopracentermeditation.com) and it was not surprising that the quality of our thoughts was mentioned frequently over the 3 weeks. One thing that really struck me was that our supportive relationships significantly impact the positive messages we send our bodies every day which invites greater health and well-being into our lives.
And that brings me back to my tube of toothpaste analogy. I intuitively felt that I wanted to save my energy to fully soak up the good stuff in life and to have deep reserves for those times when we needed strength to get through heartbreaking adversities. What I was striving for was balanced, supportive relationships where we counted our blessings and faced our problems rationally.
I know firsthand the toll that stress can take on our physical health. While we cannot control events and circumstances that bring stress into our lives, we can take proactive measures to mitigate unhealthy recurring and long-lasting responses to it on a daily basis. Practicing gratitude, taking walks in nature and calming yourself with a few deep cleansing breaths are easy tools to incorporate. Daily meditation offers some of the greatest benefits for calming our minds and becoming aware of how our thoughts are impacting our health and our relationships.
If you want to learn more about neuroscience and how “neurons that fire together, wire together”, I encourage you to check out Dr. Rick Hanson’s website https://www.rickhanson.net/.
After a recent eye exam, I spent about 5 hours in bright Arizona sunshine waiting for my dilated pupils to return to normal so I could have clear vision. I was definitely limited about what I could safely do in the meantime — driving home in rush hour traffic was definitely not an option.
That couple of hours of obscured vision proved to be a worthwhile analogy for the clouded view I had about myself, my emotions and the impact of my life experiences before I embraced mindfulness and meditation. Just like new contacts vastly improve my eyesight, mindfulness and meditation brought extraordinary clarity to my emotional triggers, well-worn behavioral patterns and healing to past painful experiences.
Its been four years now since I began learning and practicing mindfulness. I was determined to cultivate some healthier approaches to stress and my emotional triggers. My driving goal was to learn to respond rather than react when tensions ran high. Today I am not the same person I was when I started this “late in life” personal growth journey — and I am delighted to recognize the positive changes — most especially when I find myself not getting caught in old habits. The work was hard and sometimes brought me to tears, yet it was incredibly healing.
How fortuitous that I discovered Brene Brown and her inspirational Ted Talk on vulnerability about the same time I was knee deep in learning so much about myself through mindfulness. Brene’s talks really struck a chord with me because her stories were so relatable. It brought me great comfort to realize that I was not alone in this quest to get better at life — in a very genuine, big-hearted, authentic way.
I devoured most of Brene’s best selling books at the same time I was listening to mindfulness teachers like Pema Chodrun, Jon Kabat Zinn, Jack Kornfield, Tara Brach and Rick Hansen (just to name a few). For me, Brene’s research and her teachings dovetailed perfectly with the mindfulness tools. It made it easier to integrate my improved self awareness with practical tools for positive change — things like setting boundaries and speaking my truth without getting defensive. Not surprisingly, this took more than a little courage and a lot of frequent practice.
Through Brene’s books I became cognizant of the many ways I’d “armored up” throughout my life. I’d wrestled with self worth, conflict avoidance and trust issues for many years due to a very troubled, dysfunctional childhood. I definitely shied away from standing up for myself because the consequences were often more painful than if I had just stayed quiet. Mindfulness helped me to recognize my long-conditioned responses to conflict, manipulation and not being valued. It also shed a lot of light on the painful consequences that would often arise from my triggered reactions. I’d often shut down and stuff my emotions. That is not healthy and trust me, they just simmer and marinate for a long time. Eventually those emotions would surface and usually at the worst time when I needed my energy and compassion for more important things in life.
Brene’s definition of integrity really resonated with me and it was how I wanted to respond when I realized I was triggered. In her book Rising Strong, she describes integrity in action: choosing courage over comfort, choosing what is right over what is fast, fun or easy, and choosing to practice your values rather than just professing them. For me, courage was the hardest thing to tackle. Yet courage to set a boundary on unacceptable behavior from others was so empowering and often eliminated a lot of unnecessary conflict. I sure wish I had learned this much earlier in my life.
In fact, I look back over events in my life through the lens of mindfulness and meditation, and realize that if I’d had these tools earlier in life, I would have handled situations with more truth and grace — and saved a lot of pain for myself and those I love.
I have been blessed with a few good friends who were also working on personal growth a little later in life. Together we would share what we were learning from our various resources, our journal insights and current experiences. As our conversations got deeper, we developed a foundation of trust for sharing some of our most vulnerable stories. This is the “vault” Brene Brown refers to in her acronym BRAVING. It is having a few trusted friends that you can rely on to listen, with empathy and without judgment.
It is truly remarkable how beneficial it is to be able to share your vulnerable stories. There’s a sense of relief and release. I’ve experienced valuable healing thanks to these heart to heart conversations with a trusted friend. When a friend tells me she feels so much better after one of our conversations, I know exactly what she means. What a gift we give to each other. I’ve been so inspired by my friends too — these tender hearted, compassionate and strong women have persevered through so many things in life yet they remain unwavering in their values and their capacity to love.
What I have personally gained from getting to know myself very well and then talking through some tough stuff with trusted friends is a huge reduction in things that trigger me. And if I do find myself getting hooked, I can usually stop and ground myself. I remind myself to “drop my anchor into my core values” and take a deep calming breath. It feels so much better to respond with a clear head and my values, than to react with highly charged emotions.
About two years ago, one of my friends encouraged me to give meditation another chance. I was still working on curing myself of rumination and letting my racing thoughts distract me from being fully present. I committed to using the Headspace app for guided meditation. As I have shared in previous posts, it was a game changer for me. Headspace offers a collection of courses including personal growth, stress and anxiety, pain management, and life challenges. Each guided meditation offers a nugget of wisdom to focus on for that session and to carry with you throughout the day. Over time, I could sense that my ability to recognize I was distracted and bring myself fully back to the present moment was seeping into my everyday life. I discovered that I was naturally making eye contact with others much more often. What really caught my attention was that I could see the reaction in their face and body language when my eyes met theirs — it was awesome. Is there any better way to signal to someone that they have your full attention?
When you turn your full attention to a conversation or an observation, you gain details and insights you might otherwise miss. Years ago one of my business mentors told me that multi-tasking was not possible and I’ve come to realize that what he meant is that when you are trying to do more than one thing at a time, one of those things will get short-changed. This is so evident when you are staring at your phone and only partially listening to someone who wants (and deserves) your full attention.
Very recently, the Headspace app has been asking people to share their personal stories about how mediation with the app has impacted their lives. I have marveled at the positive changes people have experienced through meditation. Many were compelled to turn to meditation because they had hit a really big obstacle in life — life-threatening illness, loss of a loved one, divorce or broken relationships. People of all ages and from all over the globe are sharing their vulnerable low points and the healing benefits of meditation. I find something that I can relate to in almost every story that has been shared.
A key component of mindfulness and meditation is stopping the cycle of wishing things to be different and simply accepting things as they are — except that it isn’t quite so “simple”. It doesn’t mean we have to like it and it doesn’t mean that we aren’t heartbroken. One thing I have learned is to be patient and gentle with myself when I am wrestling with circumstances that can’t be changed. It is so important to allow yourself the time and space that you need to process heartfelt emotions. I’ve also learned that during this time of raw emotion and vulnerability, having someone who genuinely cares about me, who can sit with me and just listen is a source of great comfort.
This is one of the areas of my life where hindsight truly is 20/20. I spent far too many hours replaying events in my life that I wished could have been quite different. I wish I had known many years ago that I would have been better served to accept reality, use the time I spent ruminating and crying to process my emotions and ask what I had learned from the experience, and to respect myself enough to take accountability for my part and to set healthy boundaries.
Four years ago when I started embracing mindfulness and meditation, I knew I needed to get back to my true authentic self and I’d been off track for some time. I am so grateful for having fully invested in myself for perhaps the first time ever. Mindfulness teachers tell us that when we get to know ourselves better, we also get the added benefit of learning to know others better too. Brene Brown reminds us to be generous with others because they are probably doing the best they can with their own stories and their own emotions. I now find myself more curious than judgmental about others and it opens a new lens into understanding their behaviors and choices.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t share some of the very positive health benefits that I’m experiencing through mindfulness and meditation. With better tools to navigate life, stress and emotions, I find I am physically healthier and more resilient. I am sleeping incredibly well and have learned that a good night’s rest is a superpower for our bodies and brains. I am currently doing a 21 day mediation with Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey on “Perfect Health”. What I am learning about the power of our thoughts and its effects on our health is astounding.
I was recently listening to a SuperSoul podcast where Jack Kornfield, mindfulness author and Buddhist practitioner, was sharing that as a young man he had a Harvard education but he did not have any education about emotional awareness and regulation. His own dysfunctional childhood left him with emotional scars, learned behavioral patterns and even some of the anger his dad brought to the family. He wanted to avoid all these pitfalls, but he had no tools to do it. Jack’s desire to balance his life with good skills for managing his emotions led him to become a leader in the mindfulness field. From my personal experience, I too wish that I had been taught that my stories didn’t define me and that there were invaluable tools for emotional awareness and regulation. I’m grateful to have found it late in life and I’m committed to helping others learn these invaluable tools as well — especially young people.
A fresh new year and a brand new decade — how inspiring! There is something about a new year that invites both reflection and motivation.
Decades ago I would have been full of positivity with a list of goal-oriented resolutions in hand ready to charge full speed ahead — daring this new year to be better than the last. In this chapter of my life, I am a little wiser and acutely more aware that this coming new year will be chock full of many happenings that will be out of my control — experiences and events that I cannot even imagine today. New Year’s resolutions are less important to me now. What matters most is how I respond to the moments of my life in the coming year.
Mindfulness has really taught me the value of soaking up being fully present for the day to day moments of life. At the very least, I have become more aware of how easily we can be distracted — by our racing thoughts, our crazy phones, background noises and multi-tasking. As soon as we realize that we aren’t fully focused, we can turn our attention back — to that conversation with a friend, or a book we are reading to a child, or the rich colors of the sky at sunset. Being fully present and taking in all the goodness from these simple happy moments of life fills our reservoir and helps us become more resilient for the more challenging times in our lives.
Perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can bring to the turbulent moments of life is simply being calm. Keeping our emotions in check and not adding to an already stressful situation can be a source of great comfort to others and it aids in effective problem solving. I’ve discovered that some imagery helps me when I want to remain calm — I imagine I am dropping an anchor into deep calm waters. Last year gave me more than a few opportunities to really practice being calm in the heat of the moment, What I discovered was that I felt in control in spite of circumstances being challenging. Most importantly I was able to pay closer attention to what others needed to feel safe and protected. I was able to use my energy and resources to be truly helpful and more responsive. Life’s challenges didn’t change. Finding a calmer way to face them did.
Over the past few years, I have come to realize that most of my angst in life came when I was wrestling with wanting things to be different from what they were in reality. I’m finding more peace and a better quality of life by replacing old behavior patterns with valuable life tools — setting boundaries, not getting attached to specific outcomes, making decisions consciously based on my values, owning my feelings and giving myself space when I need it.
The benefits I’m reaping from these changes have been quite noticeable. I have more energy, I’m sleeping better and my feathers don’t ruffle as easily. I have a deepened awareness of how others are struggling with their own issues and greater empathy for them. I’m learning to simply sit with others and listen rather than rushing to try to fix things for them. Everyone needs to process their feelings and their experiences for themselves. The greatest gift we can offer others in their time of need is to be there while those tears fall.
A few times over this past year, I have been the fortunate recipient of some incredibly kind and thoughtful gestures and often they appeared when I was feeling invisible or overwhelmed. What a heartwarming lift I got just when I needed it most! Those moments were not lost on me and they served as a strong reminder of the incredible difference we each can make in another’s life by showing kindness. Whether it is a stranger or someone you know well, extending a random act of kindness makes such a positive difference!
Happy New Year! May we all support each other in the best way possible through the trials and tribulations in 2020.
If you watch the face of a young child totally immersed in something that has captured his full attention, you can almost feel his sense of wonderment. That’s the beauty of being a small child — effortlessly they turn their complete attention to that moment, soaking up each detail with all of their senses.
But not even our little ones are immune to emotions and expectations that can quickly erode the most magical of moments. I confess to marveling at the ability of young children to accurately identify how they are feeling — “I’m frustrated, I’m angry, I’m all mixed up, I’m having a bad day”.
One day, I sat my befuddled 4 year old granddaughter on my lap and looked in her eyes full of big puddling tears as she mumbled, “I’m just frustrated.” I told her that I thought that was awesome that she knew she was frustrated. (That’s step one for all us when we want to diffuse our own disruptive emotions). Then I assured her that the feeling of frustration usually doesn’t last too long. (I let that sink in for a minute). I told her that she had a few things she could choose to do to stop feeling frustrated. Being a precocious 4 year old, she asked “Like what?”
“You could ask me for help. You could take a break from that puzzle. You could go outside and look at the pretty fall trees. Or you could read a book.”
She opted to ask me for help and soon we were giggling and making some progress on that puzzle. To my surprise, she said, “Gigi, I don’t feel frustrated anymore. It went away just like you said.”
Now I can’t let a good teaching moment go by, so I told her how proud I was that she realized she wasn’t frustrated anymore and how awesome it was that she was happy and enjoying her puzzle again.
About an hour later, my granddaughter and her younger brother were playing mountain climbers over a pile of boxes and pillows they had amassed. My little grandson got stuck and was visibly upset when he couldn’t free himself. With the sweetest little voice, my granddaughter said “Oh buddy, don’t be frustrated. Ask me to help you.” The student had become the teacher!
Perhaps one of the best lessons I can offer to my grandchildren is helping them to understand that strong negative emotions can dissipate pretty quickly if we pay attention — and that we can quickly turn our day around if we don’t let them linger and sabotage our fun.
Of course it’s much easier to do this when your strong emotions are coming from small life issues like puzzles, missed naps and spilled Cheerios.
Nonetheless, these small experiences are building blocks in emotional regulation and it will serve them well as they mature. I find it very rewarding to condense what I have been learning about mindfulness into digestible little nuggets for others, especially chidden. Heaven knows that life gives us many opportunities each and every day to practice what we are learning. Mastering these insights and tools early in life will definitely help our young ones to navigate life’s bigger challenges with more skill and grace later in life.
Earning someone’s trust is one of the most incredible gifts of human connection. It is not to be taken lightly because trust is the foundation of thriving, meaningful relationships. Long before we are old enough to understand the definition of trust, we instinctively know how it feels.
Recently I was inspired to listen once again to a Brene Brown SuperSoul presentation about theanatomy of trust.
At the onset, Brene offered this powerful definition of trust from Charles Feltman:
If you just let that definition sink in, you not only begin to understand just how much is at stake when we need to trust another, you can feel it. Complete trust feels safe and secure no matter the circumstances.
Brene then provided Charles Feltman’s definition of distrust:
“What I have shared with you that is important to me — is not safe with you.”
It’s unfortunate that often when others need our trust the most, we fail to see how much they’ve exposed their vulnerability. Vulnerability is when we pull back the veil and honestly express what we are feeling. It feels risky and scary. It takes tremendous courage to open up about mistakes, weaknesses, fears or needs.
It is at that precise moment that we can begin to build trust — a safe harbor free from judgment, the comfort of a warm hug, a willingness to simply listen without interrupting and the promise of complete confidentiality. Choosing words and actions that genuinely convey ” “you and your feelings are safe with me.”
While it is fairly easy to look back on our own life experiences and see the times when others have failed to come through in a trustworthy way for us, can we also take stock of the times when we have not truly understood how our own actions impacted something sacred to others?
Brene Brown says that when we trust, we are braving connection with someone. She developed the acronym ‘BRAVING” to help us remember the elements that are the anatomy of trust: Boundaries, Reliability, Accountability, Vault, Integrity, Non-Judgment and Generosity.
Brene expounds on what each of these components really mean:
These straight forward definitions make it easier to articulate what we need in order to feel trust in a relationship.
Just as compelling is that these definitions provide us with a valuable way to check in with ourselves to ensure we are being trustworthy for another.
A few things I have learned about trust over these past few years have provided helpful insight. One is that I now recognize that it may take a very long time for me to “earn”” someone’s trust. And it may have little to do with me, but a lot to do with the lack of trust they have experienced in their lives. This reminds me to be patient in the process and to be consistent in my reliability, integrity, non-judgment, etc.
Another is that I only need a few truly “trustworthy” friends to be my buoys when the seas of my life get choppy. It is incredibly comforting to be able to call one of my “trust buddies” when I am struggling with something in my life that is breaking my heart and know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am 100% safe with them.
What happens when trust is broken especially in times of big struggle when vulnerability is at its height? It adds another dimension of hurt and insecurity to someone who has little resilience and makes their difficulties more complex. As I studied Brene’s anatomy of trust, I became aware that a sincere apology along with making genuine amends would go a long way to bridge trust in these situations. At the very least, we should avoid judging others who are in struggle and definitely not share their personal stories.
As I was reflecting and researching about this matter of trust, I began to notice how often trust is referenced in our day to day world. Simon Sinek (author and organizational consultant) often talks about importance of trust in his motivational talks on leadership in the workplace. As I watched a recent NFL game, the announcers talked about how a distinguished player had lost trust in his organization over his health issues. Oprah’s guests on last Sunday’s Supersoul series, Dr. Dean and Anne Ornish (practitioners and authors of Lifestyle Medicine) talked about the importance of trust for intimacy and deeper connection in long term relationships. And of course, there is that blind trust that only a small child can exemplify as he leaps from the top of the playground set into his father’s strong arms.
One of the noteworthy remarks from Simon Sinek really resonated with me — he said that there are a lot of resources available to us for “self help” but that we should also be focused on helping others. The gift of trust would be a profound way to help others.
Inspired New Horizons 