Personal Development – Page 18 – Inspired New Horizons

The Vulnerability Connection

True connection with others often comes to us through some of the toughest moments in our lives. Isn’t it ironic that when we are our most vulnerable we are the in best possible place to receive love, support, encouragement and hope?

We shed our protective emotional armor in the face of our darkest, scariest moments and let in comfort, soothing words, a warm hug, caring helpers. The compassion, tenderness and kindness of others wraps around us like a warm soft blanket soothing our pains and fears.

Those caring helpers rise to the situation — setting aside their busy schedules, making time to listen, becoming more aware of another’s true needs.

When someone we love is struggling with a challenging life hardship, we step out of our comfort zones and find strength and courage to do what is needed. The desire to help overrides any fears we have about showing up and being really present for someone else.

All this happens very naturally in times of great crisis.

The phenomenon of being so vulnerable and having others recognize it and come to you with open arms and hearts is compassion in its truest form.

We learn a lot about ourselves when we are both the ones in need and also the ones who give.

When we are vulnerable, we break. open and soak in the offerings of love and support. We are just too weary, too scared, too overwhelmed to fight it. Have you ever silently powered through a difficult situation or problem, never once asking for the help or advice that might have eased the situation?

When we “show up” in a big way for someone in great need, we find our courage to be with someone who is in a very dark and lonely place. We take some light to them in the way of comforting words, shared tears, our time. That’s a big one — our time — suddenly we clear our busy calendars and we make time to just sit and listen. Do we do that enough in our every day lives?

Although it is often a big crisis that brings out the most nurturing genuine support and the willingness to accept it, there are so many small opportunities each and every day to make a difference in the lives of those we love.

Be willing to be a little more vulnerable and open us to those you trust and share your stories, your experiences, your problems. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness — it is an opportunity for someone who cares about you to feel valued by being able to offer support.

On the flip side, reach out to others in a meaningful way just in the course of ordinary daily life. A simple act of random kindness can truly have a big positive impact on another. A phone call, a coffee date, a handwritten card, an inside joke — these are all simple gestures that convey you care.

Our most meaningful relationships are often forged by stringing together all the small moments of real connection.

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” ……Brene Brown

Stay Calm and Problem Solve

Yesterday I had the most enlightened, dynamic conversation about our country with my shared ride driver – a 28 year old Russian immigrant. In 30 minutes, I got quite a history lesson from his personal experiences. No subject was left uncovered — immigration, gun control, drugs, politics, family and personal conflicts. It was obvious he had much on his mind and in his heart. Little did he know, but he gave me a fresh perspective on many things that were heavy on my mind about our country’s current environment.

I am always surprised by the nuggets of wisdom I get from chatting with others when I travel. Regardless of age, race, nationality or religion, conversations often flow easily especially if we connect with each other by some common thread. Could be grandchildren, travel adventures, current events or a book they are reading. Many times I find that I am challenged in a positive way to broaden my perspective by seeing things through another’s eyes.

As I said goodbye to my Russian driver yesterday, I reflected on this simple concept:

If we spent more time on finding our common ground, we’d most likely find the willingness to work together to solve our shared complex problems.

When we label, we are not helping — we simply create an “us vs. them” environment.

When we blame, we deflect responsibility for finding solutions.

When we bristle at things we disagree with, we close the door on learning from another perspective. Often the solutions to many problems lie in that space where things are really uncomfortable. Not insurmountable, simply uncomfortable. Get curious, ask questions, have civil and constructive conversations.

I have friends whose political views are quite different from my own. Yet our core values about family, personal integrity and making positive contributions to others is in full alignment. This collective group of friends have all experienced adversities in life where we depended on each other for support, encouragement, help. We did not let our political or party differences create a roadblock in our personal relationships.

Thanks to social media, especially Twitter, we are caught in an eddy of reactivity while being pelted with a hailstorm of opinions from news media and followers. We can barely catch our breath yet alone take time to process major events for ourselves.

Often the vulgar language, the name calling, and offensive vitriol is what catches our attention first — and what we immediately react to — missing completely the main issue that needs a resolution. We have examples of this poor behavior from both parties and celebrities.

It is a sad reflection on those who lose sight of their personal integrity by allowing their highly charged emotions to take control — spewing remarks they most surely must later regret. It is even sadder to think that many of these high profile people have a unique platform to present problems in an honest, intelligent way — and to solicit constructive conversations to find solutions.

Instead, that thunderstorm of contagious heated emotions clouds the core issues we must collectively address. We need to find our way back to civil discourse, courtesy and calm.

When parts of our country are hit with natural disasters (hurricanes, wildfires, volcanic eruptions), we seem to find our way back to humanity. Communities unite to help each other regardless of political party, race, status, religion. We band together to provide basic needs for survival and then for rebuilding. Help pours in from everywhere such as volunteers, fund raisers, even other countries offering aid.

Many of us are currently feeling heart-heavy, news weary and isolated from others because of labels. Each day we are given opportunities to get out of our comfort zone, to get curious and ask more questions especially of those with whom we disagree.

Perhaps if we treat our country’s complex issues as our collective problem and not problems created by party, we can stop the us vs. them game that feels like tug of war. We are all in this together.

The Practice of Meditation

Perhaps one of the biggest benefits of meditation is how much spaciousness it creates in that crazy racing mind of ours. Meditation is like a major decluttering experience for our busy brains.

I remember so very well the first time I attempted to meditate. Let’s just say it didn’t go so well — not only did my racing thoughts multiply, I heard every little sound in the entire house. At the time, I was ready to throw in the towel and say “this is definitely not for me”.

Then I recalled that I also felt this same way about golf when I first began to learn that complex game. I was overwhelmed with swing mechanics, club selection, rules and etiquette. Yet over time, I became passionate about golf. In fact, it has enriched my life in so many ways not the least of which is all the incredible friends I have made.

Is it any wonder that meditation was equally challenging for me that very first time I sat cross-legged on the floor? My mind was like a freeway of thousands of unrelated racing thoughts and no exits. I didn’t have the knowledge or skills to quiet my mind.

So I decided I’d have to use a similar approach to meditation that I did for golf — and not give up so readily. I lowered my expectations to a more realistic level acknowledging that I was not going to be instantly successful. I adopted a more open-minded (no pun intended) approach to my “practice”. Just as in golf, it is the tiny incremental improvements made over time that manifest themselves into big progress down the road.

Initially I found that guided meditation was an easier way to get started. A skilled meditation leader is like a golf instructor — offering you a few helpful instructions at the onset and then providing quiet space to try it on your own. Throughout a guided meditation practice, your “coach” will quietly remind you to bring your wandering mind back to your practice. Once you become aware of how often random, unrelated thoughts pop into your head, you begin to wonder how you effectively function at any task!

It was incredibly beneficial to have this guided framework for meditation. I learned a lot from meditation coaches about setting an intention for the practice, how to focus on the breath to keep the mind quiet, and how to train the mind to set aside distractions.

The “aha” moment for me was discovering that meditation is training the brain to be selective about thoughts and to discard thoughts that are interfering with the present moment experience. Consistent meditation practice helps you get more effective at doing this naturally in your active daily life.

The beauty of meditation is that over time, you free up a lot of space in your cluttered mind and that spaciousness is really transformational. You develop a newfound sense of awareness not only during meditation but also in your day to day life and in your relationships.

I first realized that my meditation was having a big impact when I woke up one night with thoughts running through my head and my new natural reaction was to take a few calming breaths and start letting those thoughts drift away. I was surprised at how quickly I fell back to sleep.

The most notable impact however is how my practice is now showing up during my waking hours. This “training of the brain” allows me to have a lot more clarity when I am making decisions, doing tasks and interacting with others. An added bonus is that I am enjoying all of these things more than ever because I am less distracted.

When I first started my daily meditation practice, I confess that it felt like a homework assignment — an obligation. Over time, I found that I was beginning to look forward to that quiet chunk of time. I now consider it an exercise program for my mind. Just like physical exercise makes me feel stronger and even more energized, meditation makes me feel grounded and more aware. I would have never guessed that one day I would look forward to my meditation practice with the same happy anticipation that I have for that steaming first cup of morning coffee.

In today’s busy world where we are bombarded with a steady stream of external distractions (especially from our technology), meditation can play a meaningful role for our quality of life. Decluttering our minds creates space for soaking up the moments in our daily lives that we treasure the most.

Valuable Resources for Learning More about Meditation:

Headspace App – guided mediation practices and animated informational videos

Mindful Magazine and Mindful.com – informational articles and links to resources

SoundsTrue.com – videos and guided meditation practices, articles

Meditation is Not What You Think – book authored by Jon Kabat-Zinn

Also, check into local meditation classes which are now being offered at health club, fitness centers and yoga studios.

The Value of Vulnerability

I had one of those “aha” moments recently while reflecting on a few of my close relationships that have really flourished over the past year. These are several very different relationships with one very strong common denominator — vulnerability. A willingness to share our vulnerability with each other has fostered our personal growth and mutual respect.

In those moments when experiences in our life are scary, dark or painful, when we are feeling most alone, confused or terrified — that is where is the greatest opportunity for true connection lies.

The really good stuff of relationships is often found in the murky, messy heartaches. If you can be the one who shows up and walks into that dark space with your friend or loved one – and you just sit and listen, you will be a tremendous source of comfort. What we need most when we are struggling or hurting is a safe place to show our vulnerability without judgment, criticism or even rescuing.

Brene Brown reminds us that vulnerability is not weakness. When we are wiling to share our vulnerability, we face emotional risk, exposure and uncertainty. She says it is our most accurate measure of courage — to let ourselves be seen and to be honest.

So, when someone comes to you and shares their pain, just know that it took a tremendous amount of courage for that person to open up like that. Most of the time, we are only going to turn to someone we wholeheartedly trust when we are feeling vulnerable. Occasionally we just might open up to a stranger believing that if they don’t know us, they can’t judge us. In the midst of conflict or struggle, all those emotions and feelings are bound to erupt somewhere. If you are the person someone turns to, then you have an incredible opportunity to forge a deeper connection and provide genuine support to someone in their moment of need.

This is where the second component of vulnerability comes into play and it is of paramount significance. Brene Brown’s research revealed that at the core of vulnerability are shame, fear and our struggle for worthiness. And even more importantly, it is the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love.

Understanding this full spectrum of vulnerability enables us to be kinder and more compassionate to ourselves and ultimately to our friends and loved ones too.

Unfortunately we often hijack the process of working through our tough emotions. We may want to avoid those negative emotions so we look for ways to numb the pain. The solution might be a couple of drinks or a pint of ice cream. Another numbing technique is blaming — offload that pain and discomfort onto someone else. Or we might choose to avoid them by stuffing them deep inside.

The downside of all this numbing of the negative emotions is that we simultaneously numb the good stuff — joy, gratitude and happiness. Brene wisely points out that we cannot selectively numb only the tough emotions.

When we lose sight of gratitude, joy and happiness, it is really. hard to pull ourselves out of despair. When life throws us for a loop, one of the greatest tools we possess to help us get back on track is gratitude. Gratitude will ground us — reminding us of our strengths, our resources and those who support us. Gratitude can be a huge calming factor in the face of chaos. And it most definitely is a springboard for problem resolution.

It takes time and lots of it to fully process a hurtful or stressful experience. We have to work through the tough emotions to get to the other side where we can restore our happiness and peace. Recognizing that our vulnerability is truly courage and a source of strength can shift us from feeling inadequate to a deep sense of worthiness.

Many times when someone reaches out to us, they are struggling not only with a painful situation but also the feeling of disconnection. It hits hard and magnifies the tough emotions when we feel isolated. It is in those moments that we make the most significant impact for another human being. When we give our time — to sit and listen, to be genuinely empathic and kind — we are giving connection.

It’s ironic that in the past I thought I had to be a problem solver for others in order to ease their pain. I hate to see people hurting and I’d do just about anything to dry the tears, right the wrong (even if it wasn’t my wrong to right), and bolster self-esteem. Truth be told, it was merely temporary comfort (maybe even a soft form of numbing) and in the long run was not all that helpful.

The best thing we can do to help another when they are facing challenges and struggles is to help them empower themselves. Well-meaning friends and relatives may have different opinions about what we should do, but ultimately we must make our own decisions.

As I reflect on the relationships that have flourished over this past year thanks to vulnerability, I realize that there is a strong sense of self-worth and satisfaction in each of us for what we have overcome. We’ve had the courage to be completely honest with each other and have shared our life stories with our whole heart.

We have a true sense of belonging and acceptance — and not in spite of our life stories — but because of them. Our friendships are deeper and we share a lot more laughter these days. We also know without a doubt that when the next struggle shows up, we will be there for each other. It’s hard for us to imagine that we cannot survive whatever life has to throw at us considering all the things we’ve collectively experienced. Best of all, we are our authentic selves.

For More Information on Vulnerability and Connection, check out Brene Brown’s TED talks on You Tube and her books, including I Thought It was Just Me. Brene Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston. Check her out on brenebrown.com and on Facebook.

Time for Change

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged though there has been so much on my mind and in my heart to write about. Over the past few months there have been many reminders of how quickly lives can change. What concerns me is how quickly we forget the lessons learned and go back to living our lives the same old way.

I’ve been so inspired by the young students from Parkland who show such courage in voicing their needs, their fears, and their outcry for changes. Let us not forget that they are still grieving and still reeling from the trauma of such a horrific tragedy. They never expected to be fighting for gun control reforms as teenagers in high school.

Their vulnerability is as raw as it gets. And they use it passionately as a launchpad for their growing movement for change. They are not fearful of conflict, criticism or failure in their quest. These high school students lived through their worst fears ever on Valentine’s Day.

They want — and they deserve — to be heard, to be valued and to feel safe (at school, at a concert, in a movie theatre, at home).

In the past month and a half, these young people have grown in a multitude of ways and matured far beyond their age. They’ve become articulate, poised public speakers and impassioned change makers. Their accomplishments in that very short timeframe are compelling. Not only did they set goals, they implemented them: Walkouts at schools across the country; amassing social media followers around the globe; and the national March for Our Lives occurring today.

What stands out with these Parkland students is that they want safety in schools for everyone — students, teachers, everyone in our schools – for the common good of all.

Brene Brown (Research professor at the University of Houston and author of three #1New York Times Bestsellers) offers this insight about many of the problems our country is facing today:

“When we ignore fear and deny vulnerability, fear grows and metastasizes. We move away from a belief in common humanity and unifying change and move into blame and shame.”

These high school kids get that. They are sharing their emotional horrific stories about that fateful day and urging us to take immediate action so no other child may ever have a similar experience. They care deeply about each other. It matters — and it matters to all of us.

Here is another quote from Brene Brown that drives home our responsibility to come together and find meaningful solutions to a growing, complex problem in this country.

“If we are going to change what is happening in a meaningful way we’re going to need to intentionally be with people who are different from us. We’re going to have to sign up and join, and take a seat at the table. We’re going to have to learn how to listen, have hard conversations, look for joy, share pain, and be more curious than defensive, all while seeking moments of togetherness.”

It is often noted that children teach us so much about what is truly important in life. The Parkland students have wasted no time in reminding us that ignoring gun violence is no longer acceptable.

Welcoming a New Year

There is something about a brand new year that I find so inspiring. It is full of hope and possibilities, of wonderment and curiosity. It is a crisp clean slate on which to write the next chapter of our story. This year I have decided to do away with New Year’s resolutions and instead create a 2018 To Do List. It’s a fresh perspective on an old tradition.

And speaking of perspective, I’m putting significant stock in some valuable lessons from this past year as I look at the horizon of this fresh new year.

My daughter laughed when I told her that throughout many years, my New Year’s resolutions always started with “lose 10 pounds”. The truth is that I would lose and then find that 10 pounds on and off throughout each and every year.

Being healthy is much more encompassing than what we weigh. Friends and family members faced a variety of health issues over the past year. I had a cancer scare myself in the spring. It served as a reminder to be proactive in my overall health and well being.

There are many components to a comprehensive wellness program. I’m a firm believer in the benefits of probiotics and quality supplements , the healing powers of restful sleep for brain and body, and how interval training slows the aging process. Mindfulness and meditation are additionally beneficial for stress reduction and emotional regulation.

When we hold a positive self image in our minds for a few minutes each day, our bodies and brains eagerly join our team and assist us in reinforcing smarter choices to keep us on a healthy track. Being mindful while exercising helps muscles work more efficiently. The same is true for helping our bodies absorb nutrients in our food.

Staying active, making healthy food choices, getting quality sleep, and consuming more water are sustainable daily goals. One of my favorite resources to keep me motivated is Experience Life Magazine (experience life.com).

During 2017, I was in constant amazement of the resiliency of others as they faced adversities including hurricanes, devastating wildfires, mass shootings, the loss of a beloved spouse or a serious health diagnosis. So many people I care about were affected by life’s challenges last year. We witnessed an outpouring of human connection as people came together to offer aid, support and comfort to those in need.

No one would have anticipated what 2017 had in store for them last January. Lives changed, goals and dreams were altered. It is a reminder that there are no guarantees in life, second chances are rare, and the only constant is change. I’ll spend more time strengthening valued relationships and expressing my gratitude and appreciation.

Perhaps my biggest revelation from 2017 was how freeing it was to let go of how I thought things were supposed to be or wished that they were – and learn to accept things as they are.

Recalling the Serenity Prayer, I began to focus on the “wisdom of knowing the difference between things I can change and the things that I cannot”. When strong emotions are in play, it is often hard to recognize this striking difference, especially if it involves personal relationships.

We’ve all faced disappointments in life when things didn’t work out as we had envisioned. We can get so caught up in ruminating, judging or blaming that we lose perspective. Not to mention the fact that we squander precious time and energy on matters out of our control.

My personal boundaries for trust and respect have helped me maintain patience and broaden my perspective around things in life that I cannot change.

Here’s my motto for the coming year which is bound to be full of opportunities to practice “letting go”.

Collective Energy is a SuperPower

I recently participated in the 5 Day of You Challenge through Collective Evolution , an organization that inspires change. Their motto is “action is everything – both within us and in our communities.” Collective Evolution is a popular alternative media outlet for people to engage in conscious content that expands our everyday way of thinking.

This global five day challenge was a motivational jumpstart for anyone wanting to live more consciously and introduced meditation, mindfulness and journaling as effective tools for self improvement. We were also encouraged to envision what each of us could do to make meaningful positive contributions to humankind and challenged to begin taking daily small steps toward that common goal.

Members of the group came from all over the globe, were diverse in cultures, beliefs, ages and experiences. Many posted photos of their homeland with detailed descriptions of their way of life. We all found much common ground in our basic human needs regardless of our diversities, It was that human connection and shared desire for positive change that united us.

Each day, participants were encouraged to post about their experiences or thoughts on each challenge assignment. What I found to be so heartwarming was how supportive this group of strangers was to others who openly shared their stories, their obstacles and their goals for personal growth.

While a large number of the participants were already working on better versions of themselves, there were many brave souls just starting out or starting again (some for umpteenth time). Those people who were struggling and were courageous enough to admit it, received an outpouring of support and encouragement . Quite often they received meaningful commentary from empathetic people who had faced similar life experiences.

It is rather remarkable that it can be easier to tell a complete stranger things that are so difficult to share with your closest friend or family member.

In this case, each member knew that they were part of a collective group that was committed to self-improvement and more conscious living. Without judgment and criticism, participants could openly share their fear and struggles. It was a safe place.

Just let that sink in for a moment — it was a safe place to be vulnerable — without judgment.

When we go through life with suppressed feelings, insecurities and unspoken dreams, a lot of emotional pressure builds up. So being able to pour it all out and have others respond kindly and empathically provides tremendous relief.

In this group, there was a groundswell of encouragement and enlightenment as people shared their own stories, often admitting how hard it was to get on the other side of a tough life experience or to commit to positive behavioral changes. Compassion and understanding were the stepping stones. The focus was on helping.

Now here is where things got really interesting for me. Many of you already know that I am a huge fan of Brene Brown and her research on vulnerability and shame. Brene encourages us to own our stories and to eventually share our stories but only with those who have earned the right to hear them.

I thought that this must mean, someone close to you, who really knows you, who has your best interests at heart. Someone you know well and whom you can trust completely.

So how was it that all these strangers across the globe, of all ages and diverse cultural backgrounds, could so openly hear another’s story and compassionately extend encouragement and support?

Here are some valuable observations:

A lot of participants in the 5 Day Challenge are committed to making the world a better place and recognize that each of us can contribute something to the greater good. Many participants have spent years working on their own improvements and have a strong desire to help others especially those who might have similar circumstances. Businesses, non-profits, online sites and community outreach programs have all been born out of their life experiences coupled with a desire to give back and make a difference. So in this regard, anyone who was struggling had the confidence to know that this was a very supportive collective group of people with a myriad of life trials and successes of their own. Noteworthy: This diverse collection of people became a fluid support group for survivors, strugglers and works-in-progress. By its very nature, it was a safe place to bring up any issue. People finding common ground with each other can break down barriers.

Another key factor is that a person in need actually took personal responsibility and recognized that they wanted to make positive life changes. It may be why they signed up to participate in the 5 Day Challenge in the first place. They were willing to directly ask for help, or at the very least admit that they were having a difficult time getting started. Noteworthy: When someone asks for help, recognize that it took courage. Make a difference by listening to learn rather than listening to respond.

Throughout the exchange of supportive posts, one person might point out something in another that they had not seen or recognized in themselves. It might have been a positive small step forward, or an act of kindness to another. Noteworthy: Positive reinforcement is a powerful tool in helping someone to see their own self worth. When someone is honestly working on positive life changes, help them see their progress — especially the baby steps.

My takeaways from this inspiring 5 Day Challenge was this: Finding common ground is like glue for relationships. Working toward a common goal is very unifying. Judgment and criticism often arise from past history (with ourselves and with others). Changes and healing will be fostered when we set aside judgment. The best gift we can give someone (even ourselves) is acknowledging their progress. Be a cheerleader and keep encouraging those changes that improve quality of life. We all have the power to make a difference for others each and every day if you keep your heart and mind open.

What the world needs now

The past several months we have witnessed incredible devastation and loss of human lives due to hurricanes, earthquakes, wildfires, the tragic event in Las Vegas and the loss of U S. soldiers So many people have suffered a myriad of physical, emotional and psychological traumas through their personal experiences with each of these events. More than ever, humankind needs us to be generous and not only with financial donations. We need to be especially forthcoming with compassion and empathy, kindness and patience.

It’s hard to comprehend how many lives have significantly been impacted by all those events cited above. It includes family members and friends, first responders, volunteers, hospital and emergency employees, power company employees, clean up crew members and so many more. It’s a big ripple effect out into our communities, taking a physical, emotional and psychological toll on each and every one.

I’ve heard some stories and accounts firsthand — it was heartbreaking to see the depth of emotional pain in another human being. It will be a very long time for the grieving, the healing and the return to some sort of normalcy for so many people.

Over lunch with friends recently, we talked openly about our life experiences with the loss of loved ones, of battling cancers, and a myriad of life tragedies that happened in our families. Then we talked about what helped each of us most as we put one foot in front of the other each day as we slowly rebuilt our lives. Without fail, it was the kindness and compassion of another human being that made a heartfelt lasting impact in our journey.

What the world needs now is lots of kindness and compassion, more love and understanding. When my grandmother was passing away, I recall saying to my uncle that “all we could do was pray” and he turned to face me. A smile crossed his face as he took my hands into his and he said “Everything we can do is pray.” He changed my whole perspective with just one word.

You may not realize that the time you spend just sitting and listening to another as they unload their hurt and sadness is priceless to them. It is everything.

You may not be aware that your handwritten note of sympathy is read a dozen times a day by someone who just lost a spouse or a child. It is a tribute to the person they love and mourn.

Looking into another’s eyes and acknowledging them is such a simple gesture yet it has more impact than you can imagine. Trust me, they will feel that human connection.

Human connection, being fully present for another person, opening our hearts to the struggles that others are facing and being a safe place for them to share — these gifts are everything to someone in need. Make time to be more aware as you go through your day and engage with others.

This Saturday is National Make a Difference Day. How odd that we have such a day. Shouldn’t every day be an opportunity to make a difference in someone’s life?

Just remember that what seems small to you just might be everything to someone else.

Vunerability

It takes a tremendous amount of courage to face our own vulnerabilities Yet it is the only way to free our authentic self so we can be our absolute best.

I’ve spent the past several years committed to mindfulness so that I could free myself from making the same mistakes over and over while wishing for a much different outcome. Becoming aware of my self-imposed ineffective behavior patterns for dealing with conflict, resentments and disappointments was an eye opener — and often heartbreaking. I had to face and own my life story.

It is exactly the place where Brene Brown encourages each of us to go.

Before we can truly make strong positive human connections, Brene says we have to understand our own pain first. It’s about getting up close and personal with our own vulnerabilities — and that takes blunt honesty and a boatload of courage.

It is our personal stories that shape us and keep our authentic selves at bay. We develop coping mechanisms to deal with fear, shame and not being good enough. We avoid conflicts, we stuff our hurts and disappointments, we get angry easily, we blame others. And all the while, it just doesn’t feel good because we are not in alignment with our true selves.

During a recent Facebook live feed from her current book tour, Brene acknowledged that “anger is a catalyst for change. It is also a terrible life companion. Anger is too big a price to pay for our lives,” she said.

I feel the same way about shame and fear. All three of these emotions are often found in our life stories and in fact sometimes they are best friends to each other.

Once we can own our own stories and recognize where anger, fear or shame was the birthplace for our ineffective behavior patterns, we need to be kind and compassionate to ourselves. Stuffing our emotions and letting our hurts marinate robs us of our joy. Lashing out in anger isolates us from others and blocks problem resolution. Avoiding conflict results in resentment, misunderstandings and low self-esteem. Most importantly, we become disengaged from each other. We lose our human connection.

I’ve been looking for the bridge between personal mindfulness and expanded connection with others. How do I take what I have learned from my mindfulness practices and build stronger, healthier, authentic relationships with people?

It starts with each of us gaining a deeper understanding of our own stories and taking responsibility for unproductive or destructive behaviors that we adopted because of our story. We cannot let our stories deprive us of being the best version of ourselves each and every day.

And then we need to create that bridge to reach out to others — to listen to their stories, to show compassion and empathy, to find some common ground and gain better understanding, to make amends, to seek compromise and solutions.

Not only is this relevant in our families and workplaces, it is increasingly important for our communities and country.

Brene Brown’s latest book, Braving the Wilderness, is chock full of relatable, tangible ideas for shifting us back to a much-needed human connection. I encourage you to read her book and check out her live streams on Facebook. She’s refreshing, inspiring and she’s providing leadership tools for anyone who wants to make a difference.

Breaking the Cycle

Perhaps one of the most valuable insights we can have about ourselves is the impact that our habitual behavioral patterns have on others. Sometimes we unnecessarily set off an unwanted emotional chain reaction that changes the mood and energy of a situation in a negative way.

When we get triggered and fall back on conditioned reactive responses, we lose sight of the bigger picture and other’s reactions to our patterns. Unknowingly, we have invited another to participate in our pattern. If that person gets triggered and fires back in their own automatic response mode, suddenly we have a whirlwind of mixed emotions, conflict and a big energy drain. Everyone ends up emotionally distanced from the immediate problem and its resolution. We get caught in the cycle of poor behavioral habits.

If we tend to shut down in a conflict situation, we just bury our truest feelings and desires. We deny our loved ones the chance to really understand what is important to us.

If we blow up and blame, we disregard taking personal responsibility. We deny others the opportunity to learn about our deepest vulnerabilities.

Invariably we end up wasting a lot of precious time and energy that we can never get back.

Years of patterns like this can erode marriages, sibling relationships and friendships. It is also something that children learn by example and why so many dysfunctional behavioral traits get “inherited” within families.

The best gift we can give to ourselves and our families is to recognize old patterns that are not serving us well and break the cycle.

It takes serious work to get “mindful” about yourself and why you get triggered by certain things — and how you routinely (and mindlessly) respond to those triggers. Be compassionate to yourself as you delve into your issues with unabashed honesty.

The real test for making positive changes in conditioned responses is when you find yourself in one of your familiar “triggered” moments. You’ll have to hit the pause button on the old automatic reaction and take some calming breaths. Reframe the situation so that you can respond in a better way than you usually do. I’ll let you in on a little secret — just being calmer in your reaction will go a very long way towards a more positive approach.

It is especially beneficial to talk with your loved ones about the changes you are striving to make and why you are motivated to do so. It creates an opportunity to break down barriers that you’ve put up in the past. It’s an active demonstration that you are taking personal responsibility for ineffective behaviors. Ask for their help and support.

Treat your personal energy as the valuable resource it is. Use it wisely for things that matter. Someday you will need to draw on your energy reservoir for something serious — and you will be glad that you didn’t waste it on something trivial.

The same is true for time — we don’t really know how much time we are each allotted in this life. Hindsight really is 20/20 and looking back, you are sure to find moments where a shift in your attitude or behavior could have totally turned an experience around. The time you squandered on a silly argument or pouting could have been better spent appreciating the moment.

Recently, I’ve been fortunate enough to witness some of these transformations occurring in families who recognized a change was in order. What has become so noticeable is the shift in energy. There is more positivity and a lightness in the home environment. Couples are feeling like a team, working together toward a common goal rather than feeling like opponents in a boxing match. There’s a lot more positive reinforcement given to each other when new attitudes and better approaches are taken. Apologies and forgiveness are offered more readily when the inevitable slip up occurs.

Most noteworthy is how the young children in these families are benefiting from the improvements and positive energy. Children pick up on the emotional energy and will often act out to deflect something that feels uncomfortable to them. These children are also learning good emotional coping skills, along with trust and mutual respect.

I’ve mentioned this in prior blogs, and it is worth noting again. Pema Chodrun reminds us that when just one of us makes mindful changes, we make it easier for others to do the same. When we make the commitment to do the work to better ourselves and change bad habits, we become good role models for our children and others. That is some pretty powerful motivation for positive change.

Get a grip on what triggers you, get a deeper understanding of who you are and how you want to be treated, and