It was a handwritten note in an unexpected thank you card that opened my eyes. As I read what was written just for me, I had a realization that how my family member saw me and how I saw myself were one and the same. I was completely caught off guard by this moment. It was a graduation day for me too. Eight years of investing in self discovery and personal growth culminated in this moment where someone on the outside saw who I am on the inside.
How often do we reach a major milestone in our lives — get that diploma or promotion — and fail to synthesize how all that hard work, discovery and new information truly shapes us? To “synthesize” something means to “combine a number of things into a coherent whole.”
Perhaps that is the ultimate goal of self discovery and personal growth work – to take apart and rebuild a better framework and foundation for ourselves. The kind of framework that enables us to be consistent in who we are and how we show up regardless of the role we play or the company we are keeping.
Modern lingo calls this “being our authentic self” which sounds just a little too woo-woo and gauzy; a bit like having a fairy godmother wave a magic wand and we are instantly transformed. No wonder people get the big idea that it just means showing up unfiltered and fearless about being our raw selves. Children are authentically themselves and we all know the challenges that both kids and parents face.
We use the word “work” in association with personal growth, self-development and emotional regulation because it is work. We do have to learn how to use tools and skills instead of defenses and coping mechanisms. We have to practice these new tools in all kinds of situations in order to become skillful in all our human interactions.
It’s time we reframe self-discovery and personal growth as a fundamental stage in our adult development. It is a pivotal time to step back from the memorized patterns of behavior we learned in childhood and swap them out for fluid, flexible and healthier responses to life. A key aspect that is often overlooked and under-discussed is that we can “synthesize” what we learn about ourselves while we fold in better skills and tools.
Have you ever wondered why friends or colleagues see you so differently than your family members? Get your pick axe out and chip away at the obvious: Are you more “you” with them than you are at home? At home, do you feel like you have to make others happy, keep the peace and not speak up when you really want to? Are you more at ease with friends or at work in having hard conversations and speaking your truth?
In the self discovery process, we often find that we are more our “authentic” selves with some meaningful and mature filters when we are at work or with friends. Clearly we can do this — show up as our better selves and work harmoniously together.
The graduate level of self discovery and personal growth work comes when we start to practice our self-awareness and better skills in our most sacred relationships. This is not for the faint of heart.
We’ve all heard the profound wisdom that the only person we can truly change is ourselves. Yet bringing a changed version of ourselves into our family units is scary business. Each member of our family is quite familiar and even comfortable with how we are, how we show up. They are comfortable with our “unfiltered” self even if it makes them very uncomfortable. Our brains are prediction machines and our bodies are well trained to respond to familiar behavioral patterns. We memorize the patterns of anger, frustration, fear and dis-regulation of our family members and we rely on fight, flight, freeze or fawn to help us cope. It’s a comfort zone when we are in discomfort.
Think of this whole delicate dance like a game of Parcheesi — we just want to get to “safety” as quick as possible — and to allow our nervous systems to calm down. It is in this supposedly safe space that we make up a story to make sense of what just happened. It is also where we confirm (and memorize for future use) what worked.
When a child experiences a dis-regulated parent, they quickly learn what works to calm that parent. Feeling safe with the one person who is supposed to take care of them becomes paramount. The root cause of our unhealthy coping skills and dysfunctional behavioral patterns is from daily exposure and experiences of adult emotional dis-regulation. We humans co-regulate each other. But we should not be expecting our children to do the heavy lift of managing our adult unchecked emotions.
Take note of the reactions and behavioral patterns that you unconsciously fall into with your family members; and contrast that with how you respond in a similar situation with a stranger. Where are you most in control of your emotions and skillful in your responses? Most of us will agree that we act with more calmness and clarity when we are NOT emotionally triggered or intimately invested.
Our family members give us the greatest challenges and the biggest rewards when we are working on self-discovery and personal growth. It is the truest test of our ability to shift into a “sturdy leader” role for the people we love unconditionally. Like parenting, it is the hardest job we will ever do — and the most rewarding when we meet with success.
Remember though that our family members are very familiar with our old ways of reacting and behaving, so when we change and try new skills and tools — we have to be prepared for some pushback. It is not just our own pattern of reactive behavior that we are changing. It is also how that change messes up the memorized prediction process of our family members.
We don’t have a fairy godmother for this dichotomy either. We have to remain steadfast in our self control and courage. We are in this for the long game – and it will take tenacity and practice to stay the course.
This is why I like the term “sturdy leader” so much better than “authentic self”.
Ryan Holiday, author of the Daily Stoic, grounds us in this concept by reminding us to ask one big question before we react: “Given my current role, how can I contribute in a positive way?”
When we are at work or with our best friend, this happens so automatically that we don’t even need to think about it. We intuitively know that our role in these moments is to help others be successful. We offer support, scaffolding, empathy and calmness with remarkably fluid ease. We are not just authentically ourselves — we are sturdy leaders.
Dr. Becky Kennedy uses the term “sturdy leader” as a substitute for “parent”. Again, she uses a term that grounds us immediately in our current role. As a parent, we are incredibly careful to make sure our child receives the best environment to be successful when we choose a babysitter, a coach, a teacher or a camp experience. Dr. Becky reminds us that we have young children with developing brains that simply aren’t capable of emotional regulation yet. We are the training wheels for those little developing brains. Yet so often, we are not scaffolding our kids with some training wheels — we are simply showing them that we lack discernment and control too.
Imagine a set of cookie cutters handed down from one generation to the next. Patterns, if you will, that have worked for centuries to handle emotional outbursts and dysfunction. They are now rusty and misshapen, but we still use them. Doesn’t anyone want to get more creative with a dynamic new cookie shooter? We have better tools and resources available today for parenting (i.e. sturdy leadership) based in psychology and neuroscience. They are safer, healthier and more productive (just like car seats and bike helmets).
The goal of self-discovery and personal growth work is to become a consistent, sturdy leader. To synthesize who we truly are in all aspects of our life – and most importantly, in our relationships.
To synthesize means to combine and make a coherent whole. When we are invested in doing our personal growth “work” we are combining the best attributes of ourselves with healthy relationship skills and tools. Yes, we are our authentic self – but with diplomacy, integrity and values as guardrails. We are more grounded in who we are becoming – a consistent and sturdy leader.
When we can be more fluid stepping into our various roles — without shape shifting, people pleasing, and negotiating for our value — we strengthen the parts of us that we love the most. We bring the best parts of ourselves to the foreground. We are anchored in emotional integrity. This is how we become practiced in showing up consistently no matter our role and who we are with at the time.
Like anything worth pursuing, self discovery and personal growth require discipline, courage and daily practice. Too often we shy away from the opportunities to test our progress that is presented to us every day with the people we love the most.
Imagine what might happen if we had a family meeting and mapped out a fresh approach to helping each other with self discovery and personal growth? Even the kids would welcome this change. We can all be sturdy leaders for each other — and especially in families, because we get to practice taking turns doing just that. Some days we are better equipped to be the sturdy leader than others. Every family member gets opportunities to participate and practice new skills and tools. Rather than memorizing and mimicking old cookie cutter behavioral patterns, we get front line practice in meaningful life skills in the safety of our own home with the people who love us. This is the better framework and foundation we want to be giving each other. Sturdy leadership for every role we have in our ever-changing lives no matter the stage of life we are in. A nugget of wisdom here: teachers and students learn from each other; it is miracle grow for better responses to life.
Most of the trusted resources that I turn to for self discovery and personal growth work, will openly confess that this a lifelong process and one that only atrophies if we aren’t putting in the daily practice. Ryan Holiday says that parenting is one of the richest environments to test our mettle. In fact, he has Dr. Becky Kennedy’s book, Good Inside, at the top of his recommended reading list in his own bookstore, The Painted Porch.
It turns out that this “work” is as beneficial and rewarding as the workouts we do to stay physically fit. We know that we are up to the challenge when we are physically fit — whether that challenge is competing in a 10K or running across a busy street to grab our child chasing a ball.
Ryan Holiday urges us to be proactive and be at the ready when it comes to how we handle life and our relationships. Do the work — every day, he advises. Make self discovery and personal growth a priority so that you can be the sturdy leader your family, friends and colleagues every single day, in a variety of situations.
This brings me back to that handwritten card. The reason that it opened my eyes to the dividends that come from doing the “work” and putting in the daily reps, is that it felt like validation. The work is having positive impacts and is bringing me closer to being my true self no matter who I am with and the experiences we share.
I want this incredible feeling for everyone – a consistent and steady ease of being ourselves and being a sturdy leader for others.
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