It is finally here — Day One of a brand new year. What makes a new year feel like a blank canvas where we get to choose what gets painted on to it? Is it a renewed hope that this new year will surely be less stressful and uncertain than last? Pulling a thread from my blog post Brand New Kind of Conditioning, it seems we should be prepared to go into this new year accepting that uncertainty will always be with us. However there will be many choices that will be entirely up to each of us individually to make over the course of the next 365 days. Our best resource for making wise choices is a gift that we give to ourselves — the gift of self-awareness.
I binge-watched the last season of the Crown recently and found myself intrigued when Queen Elizabeth was stunned by Margaret Thatcher’s pronouncement that her son was her favorite child. Queen Elizabeth did not think it was possible for her to have a favorite child. When Prince Philip turned to her and said “your lack of self awareness is surprising,” it set her on a quest to discover what he so clearly already knew. After spending time with each of her four children, she came to realize that she did in fact have a favorite. In subsequent episodes, you begin to see Queen Elizabeth’s self-awareness unfold in other areas of her life as well.
A similar scenario played out with the character Billie in the Netflix series Offspring. While it takes a few seasons of Billie repeating her same old behavioral patterns, she eventually hits rock bottom and does some serious self-discovery work. It’s easy to relate to Billie for all she wants is a life of her own and to feel valued for who she is. Just like we all do.
It’s easy to watch these shows and see so clearly where the characters are making a mess of things so unnecessarily. It is not so easy to recognize that we too might be falling into some of those same patterns. Very often, we are not consciously aware — just like Queen Elizabeth. For the record, Prince Philip had to go through his own self-awareness process when he hit a “late in life” crisis. It seems apparent that he thought it was a very worthwhile endeavor.
How often have you read a Facebook post by an 80 year old espousing wisdom on leading a more fulfilling life? Or heard a dear friend confide “I wish I had learned this when I was 30.” These are self-discovery insights. They may feel just like the the nudge that Phillip gave to Queen Elizabeth. That nudge is an invitation to get to know yourself well.
There are a plethora of tools to help you get started on this whole self discovery process. My personal favorite is the Enneagram. Ian Cron’s Book “The Road Back to You” is a great primer for anyone new to the Enneagram. Prepare to be surprised when you discover what your Enneagram type is — and how accurate it is! The best part about working with the Enneagram is that you will readily recognize where your blind spots are. Once you have that awareness, you’ll pay closer attention. As Maya Angelou said “When you know better, you do better.”
The next best resource (in my opinion) is a trusted friend. It is said that a truly trusted friend is like a mirror. A trusted friend will give you honest feedback without judgment. If you are fortunate enough to have such a friend, you will be helping each other increase self-awareness. From my personal experience, having a trust buddy who was willing to help me on my personal growth journey has proven to be one of the most significant relationships in my life. We help each other uncover what we need to work on, we listen when that work is hard, we celebrate when we witness transformation and we continue to hold each other accountable. My trust buddy is my anchor in life. We got tested in a many ways throughout the past year of pandemic and uncertainty. Not surprisingly, we also learned a lot more about ourselves in the process.
Some other resources are strength assessment tests, personality tests like Myers-Briggs, journaling and guided meditation. The Headspace app for meditation is an easy way to get started with guided meditation. Even if you can’t stop that racing mind right away, the nuggets of wisdom that Andy Puddicombe offers at the onset of the short practice will stay with you all day. That alone will increase your self-awareness.
When I got to know myself better, I started to make changes that brought significant benefits to me, my family and my friends. I no longer ruminate which has given me back oodles of time to focus on the present moment. I pay attention to my “warning signals” as Brene Brown calls them As an example, resentment usually means I have not set a boundary. I have learned to “not be attached to the outcome” and that allows me to be more flexible and open minded.
I continue to give myself the gift of getting to know myself better. I don’t think that ever stops. Neuroscientists tell us that we change with every conversation we have, the books we read, the news we watch — all of our experiences. When we have an increased self-awareness, we actually give ourselves the gift of staying in control and making good decisions. So while this brand spanking new year might have surprises and uncertainties in store for us, we still get to be in control of our choices of how we will respond.
It is fascinating to learn about how malleable our brains really are. My big discovery recently was about how the daily ebb and flow of our emotions actually contribute to overall longer lasting good moods. Incredible findings are being made at the crossroads of neurobiology, neuroscience and the study of the roots of compassion, happiness and altruism.
My keen interest in neuroscience has reached a new level now that I’ve discovered dynamic researchers on the subject who are relatable, witty, and possess an engaging enthusiasm about their work. They share their complex findings in digestible, meaningful ways that helps us take better care of our brains. In the past, so much focus in clinical psychology was on anxiety, sadness and depression. Now there are studies being done on positive emotions and moods — and their major benefits for our mental health and overall quality of life.
A shining example of this research is the “Awe Walk”, which is a white paper published by Dr. Dacher Keltner and the Greater Good Science Center in Berkley. Participants in this study were given a few simple instructions and told to go outdoors once a week and look for something that felt like “awe” to them. From personal experience, I can tell you that a walk outdoors with a curious three year old will open your eyes to a myriad of small wonders that evoke a sense of awe. It was revealed in this study, that the participants who were 75 years old or older tended to be a little more anxious. Over time, with a regular weekly practice of taking the “Awe Walk”, these older participants gravitated toward that space where they were recognizing “awe” in their daily lives — the beauty of their partner’s face, how delectable their meal looked. They were cultivating both awareness and appreciation of the small things in life that felt good. In turn, their anxiety levels were reduced.
Dr. Keltner also collaborated with Pixar on the movie “Inside Out“. If you are familiar with the animated film, Inside Out, then you know that its focus was on our 5 basic emotions — Anger, fear, sadness, disgust and joy. Dr. Keltner describes these five as our core “fight or flight emotions”.
A deeper dive into the world of emotions by Dr. Keltner and his research team discovered that there are not just 5, but 20 distinct and fundamental emotions that we experience in our social lives. These twenty emotions are very much intertwined in all our relationships – with ourselves, at home, at work and in our communities.
Just when you think that is enough to digest, Dr. Rick Hanson added that our physical and attitudinal responses also get “mushed together” with our emotions as we go through our normal days. Our bodies just organically react to emotions we are feeling – a racing heart, a sinking feeling in the pit of the stomach, tingles down the spine or flush of heat on our cheeks. Unknowingly, we can be predisposed by our attitudes towards others to have very different emotions to a given situation just because of the people involved.
Dr. Hanson also points out that we move through our daily experiences in a fluid space of different emotional qualities in a very intimate way. We all experience a wide range of emotions each day and some are strong and some are just bland. Just for fun, track even a portion of your day, to get some real insight into your own emotional ranges.
I did that little experiment yesterday which included overly excited grandchildren FaceTiming me about Christmas, big chunks of solitude since I am home alone, two hours of watching football and rooting for my team with wild abandon, basking in the warmth of the sun in the late afternoon, having a spontaneous dance party in the kitchen while preparing my dinner and then reading about some heartbreaking news on a Facebook post. I confess that I was surprised at the data and marveling that what seemed like an overall benign kind of day was chock full of these 20+ emotions.
Dr. Hanson shared an insight that is significant and directly correlates with the Awe Walk research. As we go through our day, we have residues of our emotional experiences that sink in. He recalled the traditional saying that “your mind takes its shape from what it repeatedly rests upon“. The Awe Walk supports the evidence that ‘if you repeatedly experience moments of gratitude, authentic experiences of grit and resilience, confidence and open-heartedness, those accumulated positive residues become internalized in neurobiological ways.”
He went on to say over time, you will increasingly find yourself centered in a mood that reflects those positive traits. The link between our emotions and our general mood is in the “collecting” of those positive emotional residues that moves you into your preferred space of well being.
Dr. Keltner reinforced this when he said “the challenge of life is to gravitate to the space that you desire.” How do you move into these spaces? “You practice, you get outside, you think about what you are grateful for.”
I love the simplicity of this prescription for cultivating positive, happy, resilient moods. Make it a daily practice to look for the awe and to be grateful. The more you stay present in the moment, the greater your chances of realizing your own personal awe and moments of gratitude. Tuck those moments in your heart and your neurobiology. Prepare to be amazed at what this practice will do for your overall well being.
My first exposure to the calming powers of a few deep breaths was prenatal classes in 1976 as I was preparing for the birth of my first child. As it turns out, my son decided to arrive almost two months early and very quickly, so I didn’t have a full appreciation for the secret powers of deep cleansing breaths and slowing my heart rate. But I never forgot the lesson and often joked that I used the childbirth breathing method more for painful dentist appointments and getting my children to calm down when they got hurt than for birthing my 3 children.
In fact, my daughter will tell you that I would dispense this advice often to her throughout her childhood : “Take three deep calming breaths” — for everything from needing stitches, to taking her driver’s exam and surviving a breakup with a boyfriend. She just smiles these days when she sees me kneel down and begin to console my grandchild with the same age-old advice –“let’s take a few deep calm breaths together.“
Recently, it dawned on me that I’d had another significant lesson about the marvels of breath control over 25 years ago in Cozumel. Sitting on the bow of a dive boat rocking gently in Caribbean crystal blue waters, a skilled and highly intuitive young divemaster prepared us for a multi-level dive. We’d drop in to about 35 feet of water and explore the sandy ocean floor, swaying seaweed filled with brightly colored tropical fish and breathtaking sculptures of coral reef formations. Then we would proceed to the wall, which starts at about 50 feet and plunges down to over 3,000 feet. We would hang out at about 75-80 feet, exploring the nooks and crevices of the wall for sea creatures. I recall gazing out into the expansive abyss of the ocean and seeing the largest grouper of my life slowly approaching. It was a spell binding and heart racing moment.
Part of the scuba diving gear is a Bouyancy Control Device (BCD) which is a snug vest that connects to the pressurized air tank. With a gentle squeeze of a small hand held pump on this BCD, you can add air to ascend and remove air to descend. Today however, our challenges to navigate tight spaces without harming coral reefs and ocean creatures, would require a more nuanced, skillful way to rise and fall as gently as the sea’s own currents. The lesson that day on the bow of the dive boat was how to use our breath, and not the BCD, to rise and fall as needed. Using our lungs to ascend and descend in tiny increments made us more nimble, conserved the air in our tanks and as it turned out, kept us more relaxed and alert on that most incredible, memorable dive. I think it is the reason that this memory remains so vivid after all this time. I believe I was more present on that dive than any other.
We got to practice using our lungs rather than BCD underwater on the shallow, sandy ocean floor. I was like a little kid as I would breathe in and hover just an inch above that sandy bottom. Then a deep slow inhale and I would rise as gently as a balloon in slow motion. I could hear the distinctively different sounds my own breath made as in inhaled and exhaled in a calm, rhythmic way.
A few days ago, I was doing a new meditation pack on my Headspace app and as I prepared, I closed my eyes and took a deep slow inhale. That Cozumel memory came floating right into my senses – I listened carefully to the sound of my inhale and exhale, I felt my body relax and my heart rate slow, I felt the expansion of breath is my lungs and how that made me feel light. Then the release of breath and the accompanying release of thought and tension — a soothing peace washing over me.
There are a few connections that I have subsequently made after this flashback. The first connection was pretty obvious. Whenever I am faced with something scary or contentious, I find myself just naturally anchoring myself with a big deep calming breath. Five years of meditation has made this an automatic response for me now. It is not just the physical act of taking a deep breath. It is the association that I make with it so naturally now — that taking a deep breath is my anchor to being grounded and calm.
I’ll give a shout out to Dr. Rick Hanson right here for teaching me that it is totally possible to rewire the brain and make these incredible positive associations my new natural response. Steady practice is the key and it is also part of my daily self care regimen.
The second big connection I made is that we do multi-level dives often in our lives. We can be hanging out in the shallow end of life’s pool, just enjoying a good book and a cup of coffee and then suddenly the phone rings and we get news that brings us to our knees. How we respond not only affects us but all of those around us too. On that multi-level dive in Cozumel, it was instilled in us to protect the fragile, innocent and incredibly beautiful undersea world that we were visiting. Reflecting on this has given me a greater awareness of how we should consider this lesson as we go about our lives and interact with others. Taking a deep calming breath is a great place to start.
In early March right at the onset of the pandemic, Brene Brown launched her Unlocking Us podcast series and gave us a name for what we were collectively experiencing – an FFT — Freaking First Time. It is one of the tools that she offers to us for dealing with change, especially unwanted change. The tool is – Name It. Brene gave us a very fitting name for our shared experience of overwhelming uncertainty —Freaking First Time.
Very recently, Brene went back to FFT’s — to revisit and revise the tools we can use to help us through FFT’s. We have now collectively lived through the pandemic FFT for 9 months, and even dealt with a few more FFT’s throughout 2020. What have we learned? What new information can help us? Can we do better in the future? Brene has added a key element to the 4 tools for dealing with FFT’s — getting into fit FFT condition. (Stick with me and I will share more about this at the end of my post.)
This recent podcast conversation resonated so deeply with me I could feel it in my bones. When I committed to some personal transformation five years ago, I was driven by a desire to be mentally sturdy, physically strong and emotionally grounded to meet whatever life would throw at me in my best possible ways. At the time, I could look on the horizon and see some obvious events — the birth of grandchildren and their mini-milestones, weddings and anniversaries, possible health issues, the reality of losing people I had loved all my life. What I could never have imagined was a global pandemic and subsequent quarantine.
At the onset of the pandemic, I recall feeling deep gratitude for making that commitment 5 years prior — and for sticking with it. I had a sense that I would be needed in ways I never imagined for family, friends and community. Though I was feeling up to the challenge, there was a strong inkling that I would be tested often. There were times over this past year when my family and friends felt like the tsunami-sized waves of events, emotions, crisis, weariness and information overload would just not stop. It seems we all ebbed and flowed at different times and that enabled us to stay afloat. For the record, all those “normal” events I had envisioned years ago did still happen — in spite of– and in sync with — a pandemic. Many of those normal life events were amplified in ways that made emotions run so much deeper than normal.
What served as both anchor and buoy for me over this past year was a renewed commitment to taking care of myself through mindfulness, meditation, and education. Fortunately for me, there was a plethora of incredible resources to tap into — books, podcasts, Zoom writing classes and book clubs, free meditation courses, enneagram workshops, great TV shows and documentaries. I have read more books and listened to more podcasts this year than in any other year of my life. If I were to measure my growth spurts, the chart would have to be tall, wide and deep to capture all of it.
There were a few remarkable observations that surfaced over this past year. The first observation was about the evolving transformation of “self-help”. What once was a small section in the bookstore has grown into a mainstream category of personal development that recognizes mental health and emotional regulation as significant as physical health and nutrition.
That lead me to my second observation. The career trajectory of my “go-to” teachers for personal development is on a fast track — and rising. ( Dr. Brene Brown, Ian Morgan Cron, Dr. Rick Hanson, Elizabeth Lesser just to name a few.) Some have become household names, using multiple platforms to expand their outreach and their influence including books, podcasts, online webinars, zoom conferences, and apps. Since we were mostly stuck at home and clamoring onto these platforms, their followings started to grow exponentially.
The most exciting element for me was to witness the intermeshing of so many different disciplines and fields of research into this growing category of personal well being. There is a thread weaving its way through neuroscience, mindfulness, psychology, meditation, the enneagram and Brene’s encompassing body of work in shame, vulnerability, courage and empathy. I often hear or read one of these respected resources quote and reference each other! This expansion of research and tools for mental health, psychological wellbeing and whole-hearted living is a groundbreaking game changer for humanity.
The big “aha” came as I witnessed the immersion occurring — all of these personal transformation resources are weaving their way into business, the arts, activism, civic and social entities, education and counseling. Just listen to some of the engaging, dynamic interviews on podcasts like Dare to Lead, Unlocking Us, Being Well, and Typology. The guests on these programs willingly share the connections they are discovering with the interlocking of personal development and business strategies. Listening to these stimulating conversations over the course of the quarantine, was the perfect antidote to the anxiety-inducing news stream. There are so many incredible people out there making it work, making a difference and willing to dive into really mess stuff to figure it all out. These podcast conversations always left me feeling better and stirred a desire to learn more. Across the board in all these diverse podcast subjects, there is an uplifting energy and impassioned curiosity that is driving fresh perspectives, innovation and meaningful, sustainable change.
This last observation is the one that really underscores just how much progress is being made in removing stigma around mental health and the “woo-woo” factor of meditation. The dynamic public conversations around so many diverse subjects are rich with self-awareness, groundedness, curiosity, hope — and the ability to laugh at one’s self. They are relatable and appealing — to everyone regardless of gender, age or ethnicity.
I now find myself regularly sharing podcast episodes with my sons, my son-in-law, my daughter and my friends. Trust me, when I first was listening to Ted Talks and mindful programs, none of my adult kids were even slightly interested in checking any of them out. At best I had two friends at that time that might have investigated the links. Now my kids tease me that I was woman ahead of my time.
The reason that I find all of these resources and their invaluable tools so relevant and so timely is that I firmly believe we will never return to our old normal. The reality is that life is uncertain and it’s unpredictable. Each of us can reflect on our personal experiences and admit that truth. Here is a passage from Jim Collins in his latest book, Beyond Entrepreneurship 2.0:
Historian, Edward T. O’Donnell, noted that History is the study of surprises. “This line captures the world in which we live. We’re living history — surprise after surprise after surprise and just when we think we’ve had all the big surprises for a while along comes another one. If the first two decades of the 21st century have taught us anything it is that uncertainty is chronic, instability is permanent, disruption is common and we can neither predict nor govern events. There will be no new normal. They will only be a continuous series of not normal episodes, defying prediction and unforeseen by most of us until they happen. ” Jim Collins, renowned researcher, author and consultant on business management, corporate sustainability and growth.
So how can we best be prepared for whatever lies ahead, or for that matter what continues to unfold around us in this very moment? Jim Collins told Brene during his recent interview on Dare to Lead that her big contribution to all of us is that she gives us workable, meaningful tools to employ. She doesn’t just do the research and reveal all that she has discovered, she helps us break it down, work on it and do better.
What took my breath away when I listened to her podcast about getting in fit FFT condition was this big connection — she said and felt the same things I felt five years ago. She could feel the strong urge to live a life that prepared her for discomfort, awkwardness and discombobulation.
Here are the tools Brene offers for navigating Freaking First Times and the inevitable chronic uncertainty that unfolds in our individual lives and collectively:
Name It
Give It Perspective
Reality Check Expectations
Build in Rest and Recovery
Stay in Fit “FFT” Condition
In naming it, Brene is expanding on a tool used in meditation to help us reframe racing thoughts and the inevitable steaming locomotive that can get us off track. For me, it is about accepting reality. It also frees us to fully feel and honor whatever emotions are showing up.
By giving it perspective, we can see if we’ve overated something as a 10, when in reality it might only be a 2. Most of what we deal with is not permanent. She reminds us to reflect on our lives and say to ourselves -“I have evidence that I have made it through difficult times.”
Reality checking our expectations means “getting real” and avoid getting stuck in wanting things to be different or relying on wishful thinking.
Building in rest and recovery is a big one. Too often, we overload ourselves to the point of exhaustion. We even judge ourselves as lazy if we take some down time. Sleep is the very best thing we can do for our brain. Brene even goes so far as to say that sleep is self respect, a way of showing appreciation to our minds.
Get and stay in FFT condition is personal — and its up to each of us to determine what that means for us. Brene defines hers as a spiritual condition and it includes working out, meditation or prayer, alone time, connection with others and giving. Think of it as giving yourself the best conditions in which to thrive and develop resilience.
As always, I am going to share the links to some of my favorite podcasts, especially the ones that inspired this post. I continue to be encouraged with the individual personal development work so that many people are actively doing — and openly talking about in genuine, relatable conversations. It is our shared stories that foster healing and offer so much encouragement to others. Our connections and shared humanity is the glue that keeps us together and moving forward.
NOTEWORTHY PODCASTS:
Unlocking Us (Brene Brown) on Spotify
Dare To Lead (Brene Brown) on Spotify
Being Well (Rick and Forrest Hanson) on Spotify
Typology (Ian Morgan Cron) on YouTube
LATEST BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS:
Cassandra Speaks, authored by Elizabeth Lesser
Beyond Entrepreneurship 2.0, authored by Jim Collins
The very word JOY brings a gentle smile to my face and makes my heart skip a beat. Such a tiny word evokes a cascade of uplifting, heartwarming adjectives and feelings. Joy — the most powerful guidepost for living our lives in harmony with our truest nature and authentic selves.
This time of year tends to make me reflective but I am now doing that with a fresh perspective. My personal growth journey has given me new insights enabling me to reflect on the past with wiser eyes wide open.
Sometimes I watch my adult children as they interact with their own children and it jogs an old memory when I was in that stage of my life. I feel a little like the Ghost of Christmas past when I can sense the old memory come to life. To my delight, I have discovered the magical power of joy during these walks down memory lane.
When I felt most buoyant, genuine and immersed in the joy of motherhood, I was also the closest to my truest self. I felt free and untethered, almost like a little kid myself. Laughter bubbled up in me and my kids simultaneously. When I felt the most deeply connected by the bond of mother and child, it was often in the quiet moments, when my little one would melt into my lap and eyelids would flutter heavy with sleep.
It is tempting to handpick only these playful, happy, gooey moments to reflect upon. However I have discovered the richer lessons are often in looking at the moments that went sideways. If I could solve that piece of life’s puzzle, then I might be able to offer some incredible parenting wisdom to my adult children today.
As I pondered digging a little deeper into what was going on in my life during those moments when I wasn’t bringing my best self to parenting, I found that the word JOY seemed to be weaving its way into my mind. It would be the theme of a podcast, it would appear numerous times in various articles and books I was reading. And of course, this time of year, Christmas carols sing of JOY in a myriad of ways.
Funny how the universe will drop into my lap the very key I need to unlock a mystery I’m striving to solve. Where was my JOY during those times in my life when things were hard, overwhelming or just simply lackluster?
Our JOY gets pushed aside from everyday distractions like our monkey mind full racing thoughts or the constant urge to engage with our phones. It gets diminished by the daily stressors of hungry, tired or bored kids; by the mountains of laundry, or stack of bills, by the uncertainty that the pandemic has blanketed us with this year.
I wanted to go a little deeper than that however. I wanted to take stock of how the bigger factors in my life affected my joy. All the self awareness work I have been doing over these past five years revealed the answers. And it left me with one simple and compelling question to ask myself when I feel something in my life going haywire. I cannot wait to share this nugget of wisdom with each of my adult children: “What is coming between me and. my joy?”
When I let the “shine blockers” in my life steal my joy, I was not bringing my best self to any aspect of my life. My first husband said something to me many years ago that literally knocked me for a loop. He told me “don’t be your usual sunny self”. His reason for this was that he was mad at someone about something rather unimportant and we were headed out to a party. Why should I change who I naturally am because of his issues? Yet this became an ongoing pattern in our marriage that after 20 years ended in divorce. I was a conflict avoider, a people pleaser and unable to set boundaries. It dawned on me that for 20 years, I diminished my joy to please someone else and in the process I lost touch with my true “sunny self” nature. It broke my heart a little to realize that although I think I was a pretty good mom, I wasn’t really my best mom self through those years of strain. JOY showed up intermittently. JOY should have been my frequent companion.
How can any of us be our JOYful selves if we are out of touch with our true selves and our own needs? Recently when I was watching my latest Netflix binge, Offspring, a thoughtful admirer of the main character Nina asked her point blank — “What doyou want?” I find myself relating to Nina a lot because she is the family problem solver, and this question stopped her in her tracks. Her facial expression captured perfectly her utter inability to answer. When it takes a long time to answer that simple question, it is definitely time to find out what is blocking JOY.
Sometimes what blocks JOY is just the mundane routine duties of life. It gets monotonous and boring, yet it is necessary. Work, parenting, laundry, bills. This is why self care is so essential. It restores some balance, provides some space and is a place to check in with joy.
I also think it is paramount for busy young parents to take time for a life assessment from time to time. Ask what you need to be your best JOYFUL self in this chapter of your life. Honor the answer and discuss it with your partner, your parents. Who or what are the “shine blockers” and ask for help.
Sometimes we are our own “shine blockers”. Sometimes it is others in our lives who steal the joy. Sort it out and reconnect with JOY.
As I look back on the many chapters of my life, I can see so clearly the chunks of time when my old insecurities or ineffective behavioral patterns were my “shine blockers”. I am paying closer attention now and inviting JOY to lead the way as I navigate the messy, fun, hard and tender moments of life.
Last Thursday, on Election Day morning, my daughter commented on how so many people she knew were so anxious and distraught on that day. She looked at me and said “But not you, mom.” It is in moments like this that I am grateful for the wisdom that comes from 68 years of life. I reminded her that for decades, we have lived through political storms and changing administrations. Daily life goes on and it is that precious rhythm of raising children, going to work, and running a household that provides the ballast. We laughed because this whole year has been nothing but uncertainty and we are making it work. We can do hard things. We just don’t have to make them harder by over-stressing about things we have no control over.
One day I was showing my young grandchildren an Inspiring Land and Sea video on my Headspace app and when they saw the manatee floating so peacefully above the ocean floor, they laughed and said “That’s you, Gigi — so calm!” I sometimes tease them that one of my superpowers is staying calm, so their sweet reaction felt like an affirmation.
Cultivating a genuine calmness that I could rely upon didn’t happen overnight. I had to get to the bottom of what was getting in my way — like old triggers and racing thoughts. Patience is definitely a big component of calmness and while I once perceived my natural tendency to be patient as a gift, I came to realize my patience had a few snags. One was that I was prone to stuffing my emotions. And thanks to the Enneagram, I discovered that I was far too often focused on others and ignoring my own needs. So I had an overdeveloped level of patience with others and a pressure cooker of stuffed emotions simmering inside of me. A surefire recipe for disaster when it came to unwavering calm.
Self-discovery and awareness have freed me from those old pitfalls. Unfortunately there are no short-cuts or magic wands. Like most things worth pursuing, it takes commitment and a lot of practice. But I could feel those changes becoming easier over time and eventually I had a newfound core of calm — a reliable and trustworthy resource for myself.
My daughter recently shared with me that she is a benefactor of my calmness, my patience and my insights.. When she told me this, I recalled Pema Chodrun teaches that when we do the work to develop better responses to life, we not only help ourselves but we also have a positive impact on those around us. These confirmations are a testament to her teachings.
Five years ago, I began to pursue some meaningful personal changes so that I would be better prepared to handle whatever life had in store. I could never have imagined a year like 2020 has been. All I know is I am incredibly grateful for doing the work and reaping its many benefits in a year that doled out uncertainty with abandon.
Check out these dynamic resources for more inspiration:
Sometimes I discover a rich nugget of wisdom that seems to keep finding its way to me — a common thread that weaves itself in books, movies, songs and even the news. The nugget of wisdom that keeps appearing recently is “paradox”.
The wisdom of paradox — the ability to hold two seemingly opposite positions at the same time –– first landed on me as I read Richard Rohr’s book, Falling Upward. It resonated with me so deeply because of the current combination of complex, competing issues facing our country. It seems as if we are facing multiple paradoxes and we could use a lot of help with the tension.
Richard Rohr encourages us to experience the paradox in our lives as a way of “holdingcreative tension.” He offers this observation: “We are better at rushing to judgment and demanding a complete resolution to things before we have learned what they have to teach us.”
Just sit with that for a moment. It is a real life recognition of knee jerk reactions and falling into habitual responses and behavioral patterns that simply aren’t working anymore. This is incredibly evident in the constant stream of instant responses to current events that land on social media even as the news is still breaking. Long before we even have all the facts. Long before we give ourselves time to examine it from all sides free from bias and automatic judgments.
I used to ask my kids as teenagers and young adults, “What have you learned from this experience? ” They were not big fans of this question, preferring a minor reprimand or loss of privilege to the harder task of actually thinking about the consequences of an action or decision. While that may be a reasonable preference as a young adult, it is what Richard Rohr calls to our attention as we mature. Our paradox as older and hopefully wiser adults is to be able to sit with the reality of a current situation and process it in a responsible, respectful, more reflective way.
Richard Rohr is also a big proponent of the Enneagram as a tool for self-discovery and greater self awareness. Although he does not reference the Enneagram directly in his book Falling Upward, he does stress the value of being self-aware. He stresses that as we mature and gain wisdom from our fallings and our failings, we may realize that behavioral patterns that served us well when we were younger are no longer effective. In fact, they may be roadblocks in our lives. It’s ironic that we expect our young children to move out of their emotional stages as they grow, but rarely as adults do we measure our own progress with emotional intelligence.
The paradox that seems to reveal itself is one of both “self-awareness” and “other awareness”. Both Richard Rohr and Brene Brown teach that this is where we find compassion and empathy — for ourselves and for others. The creative tension is recognizing that (a) there is a legitimate problem or an issue that needs to be addressed and (b) that we bring differing perspectives, opinions and emotions to the discussion and (c) that we will gain traction in problem resolution when we let go of blaming and denial, of playing the role of victim or demoting others and (d) we will move toward finding solutions when we listen to each other with respect and without judgment.
I found Richard’s assessment of those who have grown in wisdom, age and grace to be one of the most beautiful examples of paradox: “Mature people are not “either or thinkers”, but they bathe in the ocean of “both-and.”“
In late August, Brene Brown posted on her Facebook page about the paradox of “straddling the tension and trying not to tap out. Forever convincing ourselves that we can hold so many contradictory pieces and feelings.” Wow – that really struck a chord as I reflected on the many struggles that friends and family are juggling as this pandemic stretches into a new school year. There are so many changes that young families must deal with and each member of the family has a range of emotions and insecurities that ebb and flow throughout the day. The paradox of parenting in the current environment takes creative tension to a whole new level. More than ever we need to be kind and patient with each other.
Brene reminds us that “not only are tension and contradictory pieces OK and normal, they are the magic sauce.” It may not feel that way in a stress filled moment, but I think this accompanying quote from her describes the paradox of parenthood perfectly.
Now that I have been paying closer attention to the word paradox, I am discovering that paradoxes appear everywhere. In fact, in my book club we actively discuss them in the best possible way — with a keen interest in learning more by sharing different perspectives and keeping an open mind. My base of knowledge on complex subjects has expanded exponentially. We are sparking creative conversations and motivating each other to read more, research more and to ask compelling questions.
Life is full of many paradoxes and we would be doing the world a great service to become aware of them — and to hold those opposing ideas with grace, maturity, and integrity.
Every now and again, I come across something that just blows my curious mind in the best possible way. That is exactly how I’m feeling about the Enneagram. What a dynamic tool for lifelong self discovery and enriching personal relationships with others.
In a recent post I shared Beatrice Chestnut’s book, The Complete Enneagram and how it truly was a personal owner’s manual for each of us. Since then I have also read Ian Morgan Cron’s incredible book, The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery.
I found his book so fascinating that I sent copies to a few friends with a note telling them that I laughed out loud at some insights and cried at others. I was sure they’d have a similar experience as they read more about their own Enneagram type.
Ian Morgan Cron has a popular podcast called Typology https://www.typologypodcast.com featuring a broad diversity of guests who help “explore the mysteries of the human personality” and help us re-discover our most authentic selves.
At the onset of the quarantine due to the COVID-19 pandemic, Ian did a whole series on each Enneagram Type and Stress. The podcasts were short in duration and long in helpful personalized advice for navigating anxiety during this time of great uncertainty.
In a subsequent series, he dedicated his teachings to the Enneagram and Parenting. I found the series to be so enlightening that I posted it on Facebook and shared links with my family. Who doesn’t benefit from solid parenting advice especially in the midst of COVID when so much about our daily routines have changed significantly?
I’ll often scroll through Ian’s podcast library to find topics and guests that might have answers to current questions I am pondering, or to gain deeper wisdom about my own type or that of a friend or family member. To my delight, I recently found one featuring Beatrice Chestnut, who is one of the foremost authorities on the Enneagram — and she just happens to be a Type 2 like me. Her knowledge and personal experience was revelational for me.
Father Richard Rohr is often credited with bringing the Enneagram to the general population decades ago when he offered 10 cassette tapes about the Enneagram. As he tells it, it was the first time people were hearing a voice explaining the value and wisdom of the Enneagram. I have listened to many of Father Rohr’s own podcasts about the Enneagram. His soothing voice and grounded genuine approach shed a lot of light on human nature, learned behavioral patterns and our blind spots (those places where we get in our own way and stunt our personal growth).
The Enneagram is often used in counseling sessions and with good reason. It is an objective, non-judgmental way to look at all the parts of ourselves and see clearly where we have room for growth. Admittedly, this isn’t always fun or easy, but the truth is we usually know we’ve got blind spots but its often hard to acknowledge it. It is those blind spots that inevitably are the cause of most of our self-created roadblocks. And as Brene Brown teaches us, when we armor up in an effort to protect our vulnerabilities, we lose our connection with our authentic selves.
It’s not hard to see how the Enneagram is such an invaluable tool for couples counseling also. Imagine the shift in relationship dynamics when each partner can have such clarity about the other — what motivates them, what their driving need truly is, their strengths and weaknesses — all without judgment, just pure awareness. I recently shared with a family member that I got answers to questions my former partner was never able to answer once I learned the complexities of his Enneagram type.
My enthusiasm for the Enneagram has been spilling over into my family and into my friendships. I have found some of my friends to be very experienced with the Enneagram and our conversations shed light on the many ways it can help deepen relationships and resolve familiar patterns of conflict.
There is nothing I enjoy more than helping others (that’s a classic Type 2), and now I feel I have a resource that helps me customize the best way to do that — for them! This is such a win-win because in the past, I would often help too much (the blind spot of a Type 2) and in the end I was tired and my friend was resentful of my overbearing help. Who knew?
During this quarantine time, I have been so fortunate to have reconnected with old friends, gotten to know my newer friends on a deeper level, and been participating in lively discussions with dynamic women on an “Untamed” Zoom book club. The compelling common denominator is that all of us are striving for personal growth to enrich this chapter of our lives. We’ve come to realize that the learning never ends and there is always room for improvement — that’s life. We also recognize that it is our friends who support us through this journey. The more we know and understand our unique authentic selves, the better we are for all those whose lives we touch.
Here are some of my favorite resources regarding the Enneagram:
Imagine my surprise when I stumbled across the most incredible tool for self-awareness and discovering our true potential in Brene Brown’s recent podcast. Brene’s dynamic interview with Chris Heuertz opened my mind to the encompassing transformational value of the Enneagram. His tender and compassionate way of describing what each of the 9 type’s biggest struggles are just tugged at my heartstrings.
The Enneagram is one of the most powerful and insightful tools for understanding ourselves and others. At its core, the Enneagram helps us to see ourselves at a deeper, more objective level and can be of invaluable assistance on our path to self-knowledge. —– The Enneagram Institute (www.enneagraminstitute.com)
I had once taken the Enneagram test online and was familiar with the attributes of my Type. At that time, I viewed it mostly as an affirmation of my personality much like a Zodiac sign or Myers-Briggs assessment.
What I did not know however was that basic summary only scratched the surface of what I could learn from the Enneagram.
As Chris Heuretz points out, most of us look at our Enneagram Type and happily confirm those attributes we view as positive and sideline those traits that make us uncomfortable. As a result, we end up fragmented by trying to hide or protect our vulnerabilities. Brene Brown has been teaching us for years , it is those very vulnerabilities that hold the key to our richest treasures — love, creativity, connection.
With his latest book, The Enneagram of Belonging, Chris skillfully guides us through the process of personal discovery to bravely face those traits we hide or protect. He gracefully coaches us to embrace our full human self with compassion and self-acceptance. You may ask why this is so important. Chris says “the truth is the way we treat ourselves is the way we also treat others.”
Chris believes that the way we make the world a better place is to start with ourselves and then let it flow out to our relationships, our communities and the world. As Maya Angelou taught “when we know better, we do better.”
Chris Heuretz is a longtime Enneagram teacher in addition to being the author of The Sacred Enneagram and The Enneagram of Belonging. His website offers blog posts, podcasts and other resources to broaden our knowledge. (http://www.chrisheuretz.com) I listened to a podcast he did with his friend and author, Beatrice Chestnut. Immediately captivated by her personal and professional experiences with the Enneagram, I just had to read her book too.
Beatrice Chestnut’s book, The Complete Enneagram is a compelling instructional book that was hard to put down. I quickly realized how her dynamic handbook would have expedited my own discovery process a few years ago. I had taken a more circuitous way to unearth my patterned roadblocks through mindfulness, meditation and lots of self exploration. As Beatrice writes about the Enneagram — “it’s like having your own personal owner’s manual.”
I began to view the Enneagram as a treasure map with a personalized Key for each Type that pinpoints the coping strategies and learned behavioral patterns we commonly use. It also provides the trail back to the origin of those patterns. We move through decades of our life leaning heavily on those familiar patterns, but unconsciously aware that they are making our lives more complex. The hidden treasure lies in growing into the most healthy potential of our Type once we understand what has been holding us back and learning to live more consciously.
As I began to absorb and process all that I was learning about myself, I could readily look back at various times in my life where my conditioned patterns showed up and see very clearly how they played out. Instead of chastising myself, I was now able to own it and even laugh about it in some cases. Perhaps the most impactful transformation for me was gaining insight about early life experiences that conditioned me to repress my feelings, to rush in as a soothing helper and avoid conflict at all costs. This knowledge is a powerful catalyst for conscious living today.
As Chris talked about all of the 9 types in the Enneagram with Brene Brown, my heart really opened up to what each and every one of us deals with through our own personalities, the life experiences that shape us and the way that we navigate our lives. Once we understand what our own Type wrestles with, our compassion for all the other Types just naturally seems to expand. Another bonus is when we learn to stop getting caught in a reactive response pattern and lean in more to another — to proactively listen and to be fully present. Both Chris and Beatrice provide many reminders that this work is on-going and part of the continual growth process. We get chances to practice every day if we are just paying attention.
Growth spurts can happen at any stage of life. It’s fun and rewarding to notice the positive changes in yourself and how it supports those around you. Mindfulness, mediation and contemplative practice enhance all that we learn about ourselves and others through the Enneagram. The changes we hope to facilitate for the greater good of all start with us.
Chris’s work has change how I understand myself and the people around me. It has brought me closer to myself and my true essence. I’m grateful for Chris’s willingness to clear a path and walk alongside us in love and compassion.” — Brene Brown
Inspired New Horizons 