Category: Grandchildren

The past several months we have witnessed incredible devastation and loss of human lives due to hurricanes, earthquakes, wildfires, the tragic event in Las Vegas and the loss of U S. soldiers  So many people have suffered a myriad of physical, emotional and psychological traumas through their personal experiences with each of these events.  More than ever,  humankind needs us to be generous and not only with financial donations.  We need to be especially forthcoming with compassion and empathy, kindness and patience.

It’s hard to comprehend how many lives have significantly been impacted by all those events cited above.  It includes family members and friends, first responders, volunteers, hospital and emergency employees, power company employees, clean up crew members and so many more.  It’s a big ripple effect out into our communities, taking a physical,  emotional and psychological toll on each and every one.

I’ve heard some stories and accounts firsthand — it was heartbreaking to see the depth of emotional pain in another human being.  It will be a very long time for the grieving, the healing and the return to some sort of normalcy for so many people.

Over lunch with friends recently, we talked openly about our life experiences with the loss of loved ones, of battling cancers, and a myriad of life tragedies that happened in our families.  Then we talked about what helped each of us most as we put one foot in front of the other each day as we slowly rebuilt our lives.  Without fail, it was the kindness and compassion of another human being that made a heartfelt lasting impact in our journey.

What the world needs now is lots of kindness and compassion, more love and understanding.   When my grandmother was passing away, I recall saying to my uncle that “all we could do was pray” and he turned to face me.  A smile crossed his face as he took my hands into his and he said “Everything we can do is pray.”    He changed my whole perspective with just one word.

You may not realize that the time you spend just sitting and listening to another as they unload their hurt and sadness is priceless to them.  It is everything.

You may not be aware that your handwritten note of sympathy is read a dozen times a day by someone who just lost a spouse or a child.  It is a tribute to the person they love and mourn.

Looking into another’s eyes and acknowledging them is such a simple gesture yet it has more impact than you can imagine.  Trust me, they will feel that human connection.

Human connection, being fully present for another person, opening our hearts to the struggles that others are facing and being a safe place for them to share — these gifts are everything to someone in need.  Make time to be more aware as you go through your day and engage with others.

This Saturday is National Make a Difference Day.    How odd that we have such a day.   Shouldn’t every day be an opportunity to make a difference in someone’s life?

Just remember that what seems small to you just might be everything to someone else.

Perhaps one of the most valuable insights we can have about ourselves is the impact that our habitual behavioral patterns have on others.   Sometimes we unnecessarily set off an unwanted emotional chain reaction that changes the mood and energy of a situation in a negative way.

When we get triggered and fall back on conditioned reactive responses, we lose sight of the bigger picture and other’s reactions to our patterns.  Unknowingly, we have invited another to participate in our pattern.   If that person gets triggered and fires back in their own automatic response mode, suddenly we have a whirlwind of mixed emotions, conflict and a big energy drain.  Everyone ends up emotionally distanced from the immediate problem and its resolution.  We get caught in the cycle of poor behavioral habits.

If we tend to shut down in a conflict situation, we just bury our truest feelings and desires.  We deny our loved ones the chance to really understand what is important to us.

If we blow up and blame, we disregard taking personal responsibility.  We deny others the opportunity to learn about our deepest vulnerabilities.

Invariably we end up wasting a lot of precious time and energy that we can never get back.

Years of patterns like this can erode marriages, sibling relationships and friendships.  It is also something that children learn by example and why so many dysfunctional behavioral traits get “inherited” within families.

The best gift we can give to ourselves and our families is to recognize old patterns that are not serving us well and break the cycle.

It takes serious work to get “mindful” about yourself and why you get triggered by certain things — and how you routinely (and mindlessly) respond to those triggers.  Be compassionate to yourself as you delve into your issues with unabashed honesty.

The real test for making positive changes in conditioned responses is when you find yourself in one of your familiar “triggered” moments.  You’ll have to hit the pause button on the old automatic reaction and take some calming breaths.   Reframe the situation so that you can respond in a better way than you usually do.  I’ll let you in on a little secret — just being calmer in your reaction will go a very long way towards a more positive approach.

It is especially beneficial to talk with your loved ones about the changes you are striving to make and why you are motivated to do so.  It creates an opportunity to break down barriers that you’ve put up in the past.  It’s an active demonstration that you are taking personal responsibility for ineffective behaviors.   Ask for their help and support.

Treat your personal energy as the valuable resource it is.   Use it wisely for things that matter.   Someday you will need to draw on your energy reservoir for something serious — and you will be glad that you didn’t waste it on something trivial.

The same is true for time — we don’t really know how much time we are each allotted in this life.   Hindsight really is 20/20 and looking back, you are sure to find moments where  a shift in your attitude or behavior could have totally turned an experience around.  The time you squandered on a silly argument or pouting could have been better spent appreciating the moment.

Recently, I’ve been fortunate enough to witness some of these transformations occurring in families who recognized a change was in order.   What has become so noticeable is the shift in energy.  There is more positivity and a lightness in the home environment.  Couples are feeling like a team, working together toward a common goal rather than feeling like opponents in a boxing match.   There’s a lot more positive reinforcement given to each other when new attitudes and better approaches are taken.  Apologies and forgiveness are offered more readily when the inevitable slip up occurs.

Most noteworthy is how the young children in these families are benefiting from the improvements and positive energy.   Children pick up on the emotional energy and will often act out to deflect something that feels uncomfortable to them.  These children are also learning good emotional coping skills, along with trust and mutual respect.

I’ve mentioned this in prior blogs, and it is worth noting again.  Pema Chodrun reminds us that when just one of us makes mindful changes, we make it easier for others to do the same.    When we make the commitment to do the work to better ourselves and change bad habits, we become good role models for our children and others.  That is some pretty powerful motivation for positive change.

Get a grip on what triggers you, get a deeper understanding of who you are and how you want to be treated, and

Take a moment to think about how much face time and eye contact we give our phones and devices every day.   Then take another moment to think about how often we really look into the eyes of our partner, our children, or the clerk at the store.

Scanning the local favorite breakfast spot recently, I saw 14 tables of people with their faces in their phones and only 1 table where the friends were actually looking at each other.  That table was full of energy, lively conversation and real honest to goodness eye contact.   The other tables were expressionless and quiet.  People were sitting next to each other gazing at iPads and although each person may have had a different reaction to what they were watching, there was no interaction.  Body language gave a good indication of how they were feeling, but no one in their group saw it.

I’d had a similar experience at a children’s park with my grandchildren.  Parents were staring at their phones while their children were swinging from the monkey bars, jumping off the swings and experimenting with new ways to traverse the winding sliding boards.  Had one of these children fallen or wandered off,  their parents would have never noticed.  Even when the kids were joyfully yelling to mom or dad to “watch this”, few looked up from their devices.

There was a young man in the ocean yesterday with his phone in hand, staring at it while waist deep in water, without a clue that a large wave was headed his way!

We stare at the card reader at the grocery checkout, waiting for the prompts to insert a credit card or enter a PIN number, chatting with the clerk but never really looking at her.  The experience becomes more like self-checkout and we miss an opportunity to engage with another person.

For several months, I have been noticing how little we make eye contact with others.   I’m as guilty as the next of being preoccupied and multi-tasking as I go through my day, so I decided to challenge myself to be more present, make eye contact and pay greater attention to the body language of others.

At first it was hard.  I realized that mindlessness habits I’d developed were stealing precious moments from me.   Turning my full attention to my small granddaughter rather than washing dishes, I watched her entire face light up with pure joy as she clapped her hands in delight over a small personal accomplishment of her own.  Looking into each other’s eyes at that moment was like adding fireworks!

Putting down my phone and facing my daughter when she was asking for my help revealed so much more than just her request.  What I noticed in her body language let me know that she needed a hug and some reassurance as much as she needed help with a clogged sink and a crying baby after another sleepless night.   Face to face, eye to eye attention has the power to change a situation in a very positive way.   We actually ended up laughing about the juggling acts of motherhood.   Its pretty remarkable how eye contact and human connection shifts feeling overwhelmed to feeling supported.

A lot of misunderstandings in our relationships could be minimized or even avoided if we took the time to look into another’s eyes.  It’s a fact that we make a strong neurological connection with each other when we give eye contact.

Observe someone’s facial expressions, posture, or other body language — that’s where the real story lies.  Often what we see tells us so much more than the words we are hearing.

I follow The Pact Institute Blog to learn more about neurobiology and relationships.

One invaluable tool that is used by PACT therapists to resolve issues in relationships is changing your physical position when a conflict arises.  Go sit next to your partner or child.  Face them directly and look into their eyes.

I’ve witnessed an angered spouse relax a bit when their partner put the phone down and gave them undivided attention.   It had a calming effect even before the conflict discussion began.  Why?  Because the angered spouse felt valued and seen.

I’ll let you in on a little secret — when we stop what we are doing (like putting the phone down) and turn our attention to the other person, we also avoid feeling annoyed that we are now distracted from whatever we were doing.  We’ve made a conscious decision to make our partner or our child a priority over that text, email or podcast.  Again, that is another positive neurological reaction firing in our brain.   It makes us feel good.

In recent discussions with family and friends, it seems that social media and our devices are keeping us plugged in yet not really feeling connected.   Giving our full attention to our loved ones and friends will strengthen our relationships and enrich our lives as we rediscover that human connection.

And who knows, you just might make a new friend if you actually look at and interact with another person at the coffee shop.

Watching a small child’s response and shift in attitude when given a “time out” brought home a valuable lesson about sitting quietly and reflecting on our actions.  Something as simple as “taking a break” from an argument or a strong emotional reaction can have powerful benefits for ourselves and our relationships.

When we give a child a time out, we want them to think about their action or behavior and the resulting consequence.  We want to increase their awareness so that the next time they contemplate running with scissors, they remember it’s a bad idea with some pretty painful consequences like getting injured.

So we give the child some time alone to calm down, to reflect all by himself.   Then when the time out is over, we scoop him up, look him in the eyes, have a conversation about what we’ve learned and send him on his way with a reassuring hug.

A self-imposed adult time out is just the ticket when we feel our emotions getting out of control.  Its a far better use of our personal energy than overreacting and making matters worse.

On occasion, I’m caught off guard by another’s anger, accusation or adult melt down.  I’m working on not getting sucked into another’s emotional vortex and to remain grounded.  In my search to become better at navigating these situations, I read The Art of Communication by Thich Nhat Hanh (Buddhist Zen Master and peace activist).

Thich Nhat Hahn offers clear examples of how we judge others and situations, how we focus on our own needs at the expense of others, and how we habitually respond when triggered by events without a thought to long lasting, hurtful consequences.

He stresses the importance of becoming mindful of our habit energies.

Admittedly this takes discipline and requires personal courage.    Give yourself a  time out —  become aware of your emotions, reactions and patterns of behavior especially when you are in a confrontation.

• The first step is calming yourself down. Mindful breathing is so beneficial for this. Three deep cleansing breaths will lower your heart rate and clear your mind.
• The second step is reflecting. Treat yourself like a compassionate friend and explore your emotions without judgement.
• The third step is assessing if you are conducting yourself in a respectful, productive manner

Taking your own feelings out of the equation and focusing on the other person’s perspective, you may discover that they have a misperception or have kept something bottled up for far too long. Rather than adding fuel to the fire by blindly reacting on our own emotions, we can listen with empathy and learn.  Thich That Hahn offers a refreshing concept to employ — Beginning Anew:

When a difficulty arises in our relationships and one of us feels resentment or hurt, a good practice to try is called beginning anew.  To begin anew is to look deeply and honestly at ourselves — our past actions, speech and thoughts — and to create a fresh beginning within ourselves and in our relationship with others.

Beginning anew helps us develop our kind speech and compassionate listening because it is a practice of recognition and appreciation of the positive elements of another person.  Recognizing others’ positive traits allows us to see our own good qualities.  Along with these good traits, we each have areas of weakness, such as talking out of anger or being caught in our misperceptions.  As in a garden when we “water the flowers” of loving kindness and compassion in each other, we also take energy away from the weeds of anger, jealousy and misperception.

We can practice beginning anew every day by expressing our appreciation to the people we care about and apologizing right away when we do or say something that hurts them.  We can also politely let others know when we have been hurt. 

                                                   —     An excerpt from The Art of Communication (Chapter 9)

Here’s what I have noticed since I’ve become more of an observer and less of an active participant in some stressful situations.  I’m a better listener and I have more empathy for what another is feeling.  Because I’m more thoughtful and composed in my responses and reactions, the tension often eases more quickly.   I’m following the advice cited in the Art of Communication and being patient, waiting for several days, before revisiting a situation and providing clarity to change a misperception.

Undoubtedly the most noticeable difference for me personally is that I am no longer jumping in to rescue or resolve. As a result, others face the consequences of their own negative behaviors and may even reach out for support to change unproductive habits.

Giving ourselves a “time out” just might be the best gift we give ourselves.