It dawned on me recently that the truest test of being our “authentic self” is when we can move through our various roles and interactions without a costume change, an edited script, or adjusting the dial.
Give it some thought. Do you find yourself making personal adjustments to accommodate others, a situation, or to feel like you belong?
We’ve all done this. We know when we are walking into a situation that feels like eggshells and landmines, so we shape-shift a bit to stay in our comfort zone. Or, we sugar coat our truth and hope that we will get the desired result. We might even put up with some bad behavior and decide not to call it out just to keep the peace. We say yes to things that we really don’t want to do. We stay silent when we know in our hearts we should speak up.
One of the compelling reasons it is so hard to disengage from all the costume changes we put ourselves through is because we have multiple identities. And before you freak you, just know that this is really good thing.
Take a moment to think about your own multiple identities. It is a fun exercise and admittedly a little mind blowing. You can be a child, a sibling, a parent, a spouse, a grandparent, an employee, a boss, an entrepreneur, a friend, a gym rat, a yoga student, a writer, a musician, an artist, a volunteer, a birdwatcher, nature enthusiast, a mentor or coach, a member of a pickle ball, golf or bowling team. Are you surprised at all the hats you wear, the interests you have and the variety of people with whom you interact?
It is only natural that we would make some adjustments as we move in and out of our roles throughout the day. We may shift from being a sole decision maker as a parent to a team member at work, a student in a class or a caregiver for an aging parent.
As we are working on our personal growth, we may discover that we are more cognizant of the situations where we do “make adjustments.”
This is a very positive sign that we are gaining traction with the changes we are making – the very changes that get us showing up as our true “authentic self” in every one of our multiple identities.
Think of your authentic self as the “mothership”. You will step into all those other identities grounded in your core identity.
Our core identity is shaped by personal attributes we value. These core values are the touchstones for our words, our actions and behaviors. When we are clear about our values, we cultivate the skills and tools we need to show up more consistently as the person we want to be. We also hold ourselves accountable and make amends when we make mistakes.
A sign that we might be making adjustments that are not in alignment with our authentic self is when we feel discomfort. Think of discomfort as the warning signal that our values and our actions aren’t matching up.
If we are trying to fit in with a group and we go along with something that conflicts with our core values, it’s going to feel uncomfortable. If we have to dial back our natural effervescence, we are going to feel flat. If we bite our tongue instead of speaking up for ourselves or others, we will feel disempowered.
It takes courage to show up authentically in our various roles when we are making changes, but once we get over that initial discomfort, we will discover that we are moving with greater ease and more self confidence. It honestly takes less energy and brain power to tap into consistent behaviors and actions than to be adjusting constantly. In fact, our neural networks will be rewiring to support our better habits and the desired consistency.
Some of the places that may be hardest to step into our authenticity is with our family members. It is pretty commonplace for us to get stuck in old paradigms. Once the baby of the family, always the baby of the family — even if that baby is now 45. Or on the flip side, the eldest child may be the one everyone turns to when health care decisions need to be made for aging parents. Family members can inadvertently keep each other trapped in a long ago past.
Complex family dynamics are often the most challenging places to practice showing up authentically. It may also be the place where some of our most surprising changes take place. Just one family member showing up authentically and shifting the old paradigms can set off a cascade of positive improvements.
The reality is that none of us really stays the same. We are all impacted and changing by our life experiences. Some people will embrace change and work hard to evolve through their trials and tribulations. They will be the ones who will be the cycle breakers, the ones who offer insight and wisdom, the ones that hold space without judgment, the ones that show up as their true selves.
I’ve read books by people who have evolved into their authentic self and they write so eloquently about how freeing it is, how much joy they get out of each day and how much younger they feel. These same sentiments are echoed by the diverse guests of the podcasts I enjoy. Best of all, I see it emerging in my family and friends. It is so evident that they are moving with fluidity and grace through all their roles and experiences.
Authenticity comes from a strong sense of self identity, with clarity about our core values. Those values become the touchstones for decision making, emotional regulation, setting boundaries, being self compassionate, leaning into vulnerability and not getting attached to the outcome. When we can show up consistently with these attributes and skill sets regardless of the role we are in, we will feel a major positive change.
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