Dr Michael Gervais – Inspired New Horizons

Wherever You Go, There You Are

Take some time to think about the many times in your life when you set out in search of something new, something better, something you’d wanted or worked for your whole life.

Chances are you felt highly energized and incredibly enthusiastic. You tapped into the power of visualization to picture yourself living your dream — and it felt amazing! Maybe it was the dream job you landed, or a new relationship; perhaps you relocated to a bustling city or a different climate.

How did things pan out over time? Was it all that you had hoped for and dreamed that it could be?

If you didn’t intentionally take a new and improved version of yourself into this golden opportunity, did you find yourself backtracking?

Wherever you go, there you are.

This sage insight was offered to us by Jon Kabat-Zinn in 1994 in his book bearing that title. His poignant message is one that stands the test of time. If we don’t spend some time reflecting on what we have learned from our past experiences, we will simply go into our new opportunities with the same old reactive behavior patterns, blind spots and memorized coping mechanisms. Everywhere we go, there we are.

We take the same version of ourselves into a new chapter of life, a reinvention of ourselves, a dream job or relationship, and soon discover that we are right back where we started. We get in our own way. Same obstacles, same disappointments, same setbacks, same relationship issues.

Are we the common denominator as we move through life, bringing the same version of our ourselves into each new situation, opportunity and adversity? Wherever we go, there we are.

In my last blog post, I offered the image of a “greenhouse library” to reframe our personal reference material and internal data base. We can gain so much insight from spending time to learn from our past experiences. This becomes an intentional shift to pivot from old behavioral patterns, lack of self awareness and outgrown emotional reactions BEFORE we enter our new opportunities.

Isn’t it ironic that we often are pushed to our limits, know that we want something better for ourselves, and purposefully make big life changes (like moving, finding a new partner or more rewarding job), but we never stop to think about how we ourselves must change in order to make the most out of these pivotal moments in our lives?

We should conduct an “exit interview” with our inner coach (our inner voice) when we are moving on from something that we’ve outgrown or that is no longer working for us. We should be asking ourselves “what have I learned from my past experiences”?

It is not just what we learned from life’s challenges and golden opportunities but most importantly what we learned about ourselves as we met these moments.

In that exit interview, there should be a page with the heading “Wherever you go, there you are”. A review of your habitual patterns of behavior, emotional triggers and blind spots becomes the launchpad for taking a new and improved version of yourself into the change you are purposefully seeking.

You may want to elicit a little help with your “exit interview”.

Consider just how much your parents, grandparents and teachers helped you gain a deeper understanding of yourself as you were growing up. Their perspective on how you typically showed up in life educated your intuition and inner voice. They are often the ones we hear whispering in our ears when we are making both big and small decisions.

Do you remember that major milestone of getting your driver’s license?

You couldn’t wait to get in that car all by yourself and take off. Your first taste of freedom to drive yourself wherever you wanted to go, taking any route that pleased you, listening to your favorite music at whatever volume you chose.

It does not take a big stretch of the imagination to recognize that your parents trusted that wherever you decided to go, you would show up as the teenager they knew well. You were going to be you.

As mom or dad tossed you the car keys, it is quite likely they also tossed you some cautionary reminders about making good decisions. “Don’t drive too fast or tailgate. Don’t text or fiddle with the touchscreen. Keep your eyes on the road and stay vigilant about other drivers. A yellow light means be cautious, not hit the gas and gun it.”

Your parents knew that “wherever you go, there you are.”

Your parents had 16 years of observing, experiencing and predicting who you were, what mattered most to you, how you made decisions. They had to trust that all those years they invested in teaching and guiding you would prepare you for this independence. It was their past history with you that became the very reason they offered you personalized reminders of potential hazards. Not only road hazards, but the very ones that you yourself might create.

Those words of wisdom that your parents offered in exchange for those car keys was a form of an “exit interview’. Venturing out on your own, they offered some pointers to keep you aware of your natural tendencies. Subtle reminders to pay attention to your habits, behaviors and impulses that could be potential roadblocks.

Sticking with this driving metaphor, think about how many times you actually updated your driving skills over your lifetime. As you “practiced” driving solo, you became more confident, were able to judge traffic more intuitively, merging with ease and avoiding potholes. You learned how to drive in bad weather, take unexpected detours and fix a flat tire. You probably accommodated your fellow passengers when you were the designated driver, stepping up and accepting more responsibility. When you became a parent, it is quite likely you became a much more cautious driver all while honing your time management skills and planning for unexpected small human emergencies. You may have learned to drive stick shift, a van or truck; learned how to tow a trailer. When you bought a newer model car, chances are great that you had to learn how to use computer functions that didn’t even exist when you first learned to drive.

Take a few minutes to remember your sixteen year old self and that first solo drive. Compare that to the driver you are today. Give yourself a few gold stars for just how far you’ve come.

There is remarkable value in doing this same type of comparison whenever we are making changes in other areas of our life. We may not always be attuned to just how much we have changed and the many invaluable life lessons we bring with us into new chapters of our life or reinventions of ourselves.

An “exit interview” is a fresh reframing for self-reflection and pulling threads from our life lessons. If we comb through our old files of life experiences, we are likely to find important clues about why some of our big dreams or golden opportunities didn’t pan out like we’d hoped.

Wherever you go, there you are.

We can move to a new job, new location, into a new house or apartment, but that alone is not going to be the magic that brings about the real change we seek. If we bring our same old self to something new, nothing really changes.

Dan Pink, author of The Power of Regret, tells us that a little self reflection on things we regret is a powerful way to help us remember what we value most. If we ask ourselves “why” we are pursuing a change, we will bubble to the surface the very things that matter most.

While there is an implied promise to ourselves that what we really want the most can be found in this new place, job or relationship — we have to bring what we have learned from past experiences into these new opportunities in order to set ourselves up for success. If we bring our same old self, we will surely find the same old problems cropping up. Wherever you go, there you are.

Old behavioral patterns have a way of repeating themselves. We can change our environment or relationships, but if we rely on the same old behavioral responses like people pleasing, conflict avoiding and passive aggressive tactics, the end result will be the same — just in a different place or with different people.

James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, points out that we don’t naturally “rise to the level of our goals, we fall to the level of our systems.” This advice is a springboard for meaningful life changes. Build better systems to make the most of new opportunities.

A huge component of a meaningful “systems” change is changing the way we show up in life. Awareness of our non-productive, habitual behavioral patterns becomes the gateway for real changes in our brains — and subsequently how we “show up”.

Take your personal growth into those new opportunities. Let the self-discovery process inform you about the places where you can now stretch and flex. Use the “fresh start” effect of a new job, new location or new relationship to strengthen your commitment to showing up as a new and improved version of yourself.

There is a huge benefit in taking stock of where we have been and where we are going whenever we undertake a major change in our lives. If we aren’t intentional about this, we wander rather aimlessly into the new chapter or reinvention of ourselves. We might fail to see that our core values evolve over time and are even subject to revision.

Consider this timeless question: What would you tell your younger self?

When we take time to reflect on what we have learned from our past experiences, we gain real clarity about our current values — the “what matters most” part that is driving our strong desire for change. We are able to put some more meat on the bones of our values. Maybe it is a job that not only pays well but is also in alignment with our real interests, one that feels personally rewarding. Perhaps it is a relationship that feels less like a tug of war and more like a highly functioning partnership. Maybe it is not just a change of scenery; it might be better access to community, nature, arts and activities we enjoy.

In other words, we don’t just check a box, we look at the contents and see if that box is really meeting our needs and values.

Another timeless question: What is the one life lesson you have to keep learning over and over?

In his book, Shift, author Ethan Kross reminds us that most learning typically requires many experiences. When we acknowledge this reality, we can look more closely at the earlier chapters of our lives to find that one life lesson that we do in fact have to keep learning over and over.

In many cases, the lesson we need to learn repeatedly is to stop getting in our own way. We do make things harder for ourselves than they need to be. Being stuck in our old ways while we are trying to move forward in life is that one lesson that life keeps offering to us. The same lesson can be repurposed and repackaged in a lot of creative ways. What is that one life lesson that you have to keep re-learning?

If we want to truly evolve as we move through chapters and stages of our lives, then it is wise to take stock of where we have been and be clear about where we are headed.

James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, uses the image of our “future” self as a way to visualize how we will look, feel and act when we grow forward into changes we proactively pursue. He reminds us that it is our consistent, small efforts toward these bigger changes that are rock solid “votes” for our future self.

Remembering that our past experiences are not old baggage, better left forgotten – but a vast, rich reference library for our personal growth is a great reframe for self-discovery. All too often we forget just how far we’ve come, how many adversities we have faced and the inner strength, confidence and resilient we’ve stockpiled.

The purpose of an exit interview is to understand why we are leaving something behind and pursuing change. It is also to get honest feedback and fresh perspectives. Self-reflection is a key part of doing our own “exit interview.” Being candid with ourselves about any regrets we might have helps us get crystal clear about what matters most. It gets to the heart of why we are seeking change.

Most importantly, heed the advice Jon Kabat-Zinn offers in his book. We are wise to take a long hard look at the places where we get stuck, where old patterns of behavior are no longer serving us well, where emotional triggers and dis-regulation pull us backwards.

When we are very clear about who we are, how we are showing up in our life and who we are working on becoming, we take the guesswork out of changing for the better.

We can grow forward by looking at what we have learned from our past. We already have more footholds and skill sets than we realize.

This is the 5th blog post in a series about the stories we tell ourselves, creating better scripts for our stories, and working on our character development. The next post will be all about creating a “coaching tree” to support your personal growth. Ryan Holiday is the inspiration for planting a “coaching tree” in your greenhouse library.

NOTEWORTHY RESOURCES:

The most recent book from Ethan Kross is a guidebook for emotional regulation. We can learn to turn the volume up or down on our emotions to help us navigate our lives in the best way possible. This book is a game changer for self awareness and emotional agility.

January 27, 2025 episode –
James Clear on the Science of Building Habits That Last – this conversation with Dr Michael Gervais, elite sports psychologist and James Clear will supercharge your efforts to make sustainable changes for personal growth. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/finding-mastery-with-dr-michael-gervais/id1025326955?i=1000685599922

This is one podcast so worthy of your time. Dr. Ellen Langer sees the world through kaleidoscope lenses. Once you listen to her, you will never see the world the same — and that is the best thing that can happen FOR you. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-rich-roll-podcast/id582272991?i=1000695494416

Self-Discovery & Sturdy Leadership

It was a handwritten note in an unexpected thank you card that opened my eyes. As I read what was written just for me, I had a realization that how my family member saw me and how I saw myself were one and the same. I was completely caught off guard by this moment. It was a graduation day for me too. Eight years of investing in self discovery and personal growth culminated in this moment where someone on the outside saw who I am on the inside.

How often do we reach a major milestone in our lives — get that diploma or promotion — and fail to synthesize how all that hard work, discovery and new information truly shapes us? To “synthesize” something means to “combine a number of things into a coherent whole.”

Perhaps that is the ultimate goal of self discovery and personal growth work – to take apart and rebuild a better framework and foundation for ourselves. The kind of framework that enables us to be consistent in who we are and how we show up regardless of the role we play or the company we are keeping.

Modern lingo calls this “being our authentic self” which sounds just a little too woo-woo and gauzy; a bit like having a fairy godmother wave a magic wand and we are instantly transformed. No wonder people get the big idea that it just means showing up unfiltered and fearless about being our raw selves. Children are authentically themselves and we all know the challenges that both kids and parents face.

We use the word “work” in association with personal growth, self-development and emotional regulation because it is work. We do have to learn how to use tools and skills instead of defenses and coping mechanisms. We have to practice these new tools in all kinds of situations in order to become skillful in all our human interactions.

It’s time we reframe self-discovery and personal growth as a fundamental stage in our adult development. It is a pivotal time to step back from the memorized patterns of behavior we learned in childhood and swap them out for fluid, flexible and healthier responses to life. A key aspect that is often overlooked and under-discussed is that we can “synthesize” what we learn about ourselves while we fold in better skills and tools.

Have you ever wondered why friends or colleagues see you so differently than your family members? Get your pick axe out and chip away at the obvious: Are you more “you” with them than you are at home? At home, do you feel like you have to make others happy, keep the peace and not speak up when you really want to? Are you more at ease with friends or at work in having hard conversations and speaking your truth?

In the self discovery process, we often find that we are more our “authentic” selves with some meaningful and mature filters when we are at work or with friends. Clearly we can do this — show up as our better selves and work harmoniously together.

The graduate level of self discovery and personal growth work comes when we start to practice our self-awareness and better skills in our most sacred relationships. This is not for the faint of heart.

We’ve all heard the profound wisdom that the only person we can truly change is ourselves. Yet bringing a changed version of ourselves into our family units is scary business. Each member of our family is quite familiar and even comfortable with how we are, how we show up. They are comfortable with our “unfiltered” self even if it makes them very uncomfortable. Our brains are prediction machines and our bodies are well trained to respond to familiar behavioral patterns. We memorize the patterns of anger, frustration, fear and dis-regulation of our family members and we rely on fight, flight, freeze or fawn to help us cope. It’s a comfort zone when we are in discomfort.

Think of this whole delicate dance like a game of Parcheesi — we just want to get to “safety” as quick as possible — and to allow our nervous systems to calm down. It is in this supposedly safe space that we make up a story to make sense of what just happened. It is also where we confirm (and memorize for future use) what worked.

When a child experiences a dis-regulated parent, they quickly learn what works to calm that parent. Feeling safe with the one person who is supposed to take care of them becomes paramount. The root cause of our unhealthy coping skills and dysfunctional behavioral patterns is from daily exposure and experiences of adult emotional dis-regulation. We humans co-regulate each other. But we should not be expecting our children to do the heavy lift of managing our adult unchecked emotions.

Take note of the reactions and behavioral patterns that you unconsciously fall into with your family members; and contrast that with how you respond in a similar situation with a stranger. Where are you most in control of your emotions and skillful in your responses? Most of us will agree that we act with more calmness and clarity when we are NOT emotionally triggered or intimately invested.

Our family members give us the greatest challenges and the biggest rewards when we are working on self-discovery and personal growth. It is the truest test of our ability to shift into a “sturdy leader” role for the people we love unconditionally. Like parenting, it is the hardest job we will ever do — and the most rewarding when we meet with success.

Remember though that our family members are very familiar with our old ways of reacting and behaving, so when we change and try new skills and tools — we have to be prepared for some pushback. It is not just our own pattern of reactive behavior that we are changing. It is also how that change messes up the memorized prediction process of our family members.

We don’t have a fairy godmother for this dichotomy either. We have to remain steadfast in our self control and courage. We are in this for the long game – and it will take tenacity and practice to stay the course.

This is why I like the term “sturdy leader” so much better than “authentic self”.

Ryan Holiday, author of the Daily Stoic, grounds us in this concept by reminding us to ask one big question before we react: “Given my current role, how can I contribute in a positive way?”

When we are at work or with our best friend, this happens so automatically that we don’t even need to think about it. We intuitively know that our role in these moments is to help others be successful. We offer support, scaffolding, empathy and calmness with remarkably fluid ease. We are not just authentically ourselves — we are sturdy leaders.

Dr. Becky Kennedy uses the term “sturdy leader” as a substitute for “parent”. Again, she uses a term that grounds us immediately in our current role. As a parent, we are incredibly careful to make sure our child receives the best environment to be successful when we choose a babysitter, a coach, a teacher or a camp experience. Dr. Becky reminds us that we have young children with developing brains that simply aren’t capable of emotional regulation yet. We are the training wheels for those little developing brains. Yet so often, we are not scaffolding our kids with some training wheels — we are simply showing them that we lack discernment and control too.

Imagine a set of cookie cutters handed down from one generation to the next. Patterns, if you will, that have worked for centuries to handle emotional outbursts and dysfunction. They are now rusty and misshapen, but we still use them. Doesn’t anyone want to get more creative with a dynamic new cookie shooter? We have better tools and resources available today for parenting (i.e. sturdy leadership) based in psychology and neuroscience. They are safer, healthier and more productive (just like car seats and bike helmets).

The goal of self-discovery and personal growth work is to become a consistent, sturdy leader. To synthesize who we truly are in all aspects of our life – and most importantly, in our relationships.

To synthesize means to combine and make a coherent whole. When we are invested in doing our personal growth “work” we are combining the best attributes of ourselves with healthy relationship skills and tools. Yes, we are our authentic self – but with diplomacy, integrity and values as guardrails. We are more grounded in who we are becoming – a consistent and sturdy leader.

When we can be more fluid stepping into our various roles — without shape shifting, people pleasing, and negotiating for our value — we strengthen the parts of us that we love the most. We bring the best parts of ourselves to the foreground. We are anchored in emotional integrity. This is how we become practiced in showing up consistently no matter our role and who we are with at the time.

Like anything worth pursuing, self discovery and personal growth require discipline, courage and daily practice. Too often we shy away from the opportunities to test our progress that is presented to us every day with the people we love the most.

Imagine what might happen if we had a family meeting and mapped out a fresh approach to helping each other with self discovery and personal growth? Even the kids would welcome this change. We can all be sturdy leaders for each other — and especially in families, because we get to practice taking turns doing just that. Some days we are better equipped to be the sturdy leader than others. Every family member gets opportunities to participate and practice new skills and tools. Rather than memorizing and mimicking old cookie cutter behavioral patterns, we get front line practice in meaningful life skills in the safety of our own home with the people who love us. This is the better framework and foundation we want to be giving each other. Sturdy leadership for every role we have in our ever-changing lives no matter the stage of life we are in. A nugget of wisdom here: teachers and students learn from each other; it is miracle grow for better responses to life.

Most of the trusted resources that I turn to for self discovery and personal growth work, will openly confess that this a lifelong process and one that only atrophies if we aren’t putting in the daily practice. Ryan Holiday says that parenting is one of the richest environments to test our mettle. In fact, he has Dr. Becky Kennedy’s book, Good Inside, at the top of his recommended reading list in his own bookstore, The Painted Porch.

It turns out that this “work” is as beneficial and rewarding as the workouts we do to stay physically fit. We know that we are up to the challenge when we are physically fit — whether that challenge is competing in a 10K or running across a busy street to grab our child chasing a ball.

Ryan Holiday urges us to be proactive and be at the ready when it comes to how we handle life and our relationships. Do the work — every day, he advises. Make self discovery and personal growth a priority so that you can be the sturdy leader your family, friends and colleagues every single day, in a variety of situations.

This brings me back to that handwritten card. The reason that it opened my eyes to the dividends that come from doing the “work” and putting in the daily reps, is that it felt like validation. The work is having positive impacts and is bringing me closer to being my true self no matter who I am with and the experiences we share.

I want this incredible feeling for everyone – a consistent and steady ease of being ourselves and being a sturdy leader for others.

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