Dr. Dan Siegel – Inspired New Horizons

Corks Rising

When I first started blogging about personal growth 8 years ago, I had a glass jar on my kitchen windowsill with a cork bobbing in water. It was my touchstone to remind myself that each of us plays an important role in lifting each other’s cork. We need help to stay afloat.

This morning, I read something in Hidden Potential by Adam Grant, that transported me back to that moment in time. It felt surreal and spine-tingling to be in two places at once. I was at the very beginning of my self discovery journey placing that cork in the jar –AND — I was also fully present in my apartment taking stock of just how far I have truly come on that personal growth journey. A smile stretched across my face as I took stock of how my own cork has risen over 8 years — and most importantly, how so many others’ corks have also risen.

At the onset of my personal growth journey, I felt alone in the work – one cork in a small glass jar. Today the massive ocean is full of corks and I am merely one of many. I could not be happier with the company I am keeping.

For over 20 years, Brene Brown has been planting seeds of the very work we are deeply steeped in today. She braved the wilderness back then, schlepping her first book from the trunk of her car and mustering courage to give a Ted Talk on shame and vulnerability. She did not have a crystal ball to guide her — she just followed her heart and her calling, blazing a path and planting seeds.

There is a Greek proverb that reminds us that wise men plant seeds of trees, the shade of which they will never sit under, bubbled up into my consciousness.

Brene Brown planted the seeds of human connection with an emphasis on vulnerability, the importance of our emotions, and the necessary healing work of addressing old generational patterns — and those seeds took root.

It has taken nearly two decades for the seeds to grow into the full awareness that we got a lot of things wrong about humanity, how the brain and body really work, and what is truly possible for our evolution on so many fronts.

I sat under the shade of the tree that Brene planted just yesterday. I listened to Scott Galloway and Rich Roll openly discuss vulnerability on Rich’s podcast. It was visceral to experience this refreshingly deep and honest conversation with two men in their fifties get real about their emotions and what they want for their sons and daughters.

Even more importantly, is the education and messaging that Rich Roll and Scott Galloway are collaborating on — the need for us all to take very seriously the crisis of loneliness, depression, social isolation and lack of human connection that is paralyzing our younger generations.

When I began my personal growth journey, I read Dr. Bruce Perry’s compelling book, Born for Love. In that book, he was sounding the alarm for our growing empathy poverty, but his voice was drowned out as our collective attention turned to the novelty of social media. We blatantly ignored the warning and gleefully plugged into social media and our devices, so certain that we’d find the connection we craved through technology.

Today, Jonathan Haidt draws a through line from the early 2010’s to today and holds up the reality of our human condition for us to see clearly. Our younger generations need to be unplugged and reconnected to reality. In his book, the Anxious Generation, he is carrying forward the message that Dr. Bruce Perry warned us of in Born for Love. Our growing lack of empathy, our self-imposed social isolation and addiction to devices, has created an epidemic of AI – artificial intimacy. It is Esther Perel who coined that term – Artificial Intimacy. She is the dynamic psychotherapist who fearlessly weeds out conflict between couples to help them discover that plot of ground begging for seeds of love, intimacy and connection to be planted.

We can no longer blatantly ignore what is hidden in plain sight. We must focus our attention, resources and real life support on our children.

Ask anyone who has ever hit rock bottom, and they will tell you that it was in their lowest place that they faced the truth that in order for meaningful change to happen, they had to dig deeper – and do the hard work of rebuilding.

This is where we all are today – collectively at rock bottom with an opportunity to nurture the seeds that have been planted over the past twenty years in psychology, behavioral science, neuroscience and modern medicine.

It is my strong belief that we have reached this breaking point because humans are hard-wired for connection and we do not thrive in continual chaos and uncertainty. If this dilemma were happening in the animal kingdom, our hearts would be breaking open as we watched adult animals leave their young unattended without teaching them any life skills. Their basic instincts would atrophy over time.

If you are familiar with epigenetics, then you may realize that for generations we have passed down unprocessed trauma and overloads of stress and anxiety. Dysfunctional generational patterns are the emotional inheritance that has never been unpacked. Old parenting models failed to install one of the key components of the human operating system — emotional intelligence. This combination is the one-two punch that delivers a compelling warning to us. Unpack the old emotional baggage, heal old traumas. The time has come. Our kids are on overload and they are drowning in cognitive dissonance.

The reality is that we have made this work of unpacking emotional baggage, healing old traumas and installing emotional intelligence so much harder than it needs to be. Psychology has shifted dramatically in the past decade with a focus on somatic healing and understanding how our brains actually work. Neuroscience fires up this better approach by highlighting the neuroplasticity of our brains and how we can re-wire healthier neural pathways in a relatively short amount of time.

As I wrote about in my last blog post, the creative coalescing of so many fields and modalities is helping us fast-track the triage that we need — and can no longer ignore. This creative coalescing is the little forest that has grown from the many seeds that have been planted over the past twenty years.

As many of you know, I am impassioned about teaching our kids all about their innate and integral emotional intelligence. I have a “Marie Kondo” approach to cleaning out generational baggage – let’s stop dragging it around, unpacked and continually weighing us down. Let’s travel more lightly through life and make new discoveries.

By the way, have you noticed how mainstreamed words like vulnerability, mindfulness, self-awareness and emotional intelligence have become? Little seeds have been planted over and over again by people like Brene Brown, Dr. Marc Brackett, Andrew Huberman, Kristin Neff, Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett, Arthur C. Brooks, Dr. Becky Kennedy, Dr. Peter Attia — and a host of others. They are the corks that jumped into the sea of change and lifted us all up.

So many resources have cross-pollinated that little forest that began with a few seeds several decades ago. We are at the tipping point of a huge, positive human evolution. Just the other day, author Arthur C. Brooks told Ryan Holiday that we now have the neuroscience to prove all the wisdom of the ancient philosophers. His excitement and enthusiasm was contagious.

Here’s what I know — Brene Brown did not have a crystal ball twenty-five years ago, but she felt a nudge so strong she could not resist it. She poured herself into shame and vulnerability and stayed the course because it mattered. She networked the hell out of her platforms during Covid, lifting others up when we were most receptive to learning and discovering all kinds of new things – the missing parts we didn’t know we needed. Brene was planting seeds of awareness all throughout our dormant period.

I used to think that the law of attraction was mostly like wishful thinking — but through Brene I have learned that the law of attraction is sharing, networking and lifting each other up. That is the momentum that brings the changes and opportunities we want.

Michael O’Brien (@the.mindful.cyclist) was also a recent guest on the Rich Roll podcast. His recovery from a near-death cycling experience was the catalyst for his seminal shift that changed his perspective, mindset and actions. He expressed this profound wisdom:

“Things don’t happen for a reason. Things happen….and we give it meaning.” — Michael O’Brien

I am taking this profound wisdom to heart today. Things have been happening FOR us for nearly two decades and we can give it a transformational new meaning and pivotal new direction.

There has been a big clearing of the weeds that prevented us from seeing what was possible for us. Seeds were planted and cross pollinating was happening. mostly in the background.

The self help space got a little traction with mindfulness about a decade ago. It was a wake up call but we kept hitting the snooze button. We turned to devices and poor coping skills; social media was a siren call we falsely believed would bring us the connection we craved. Our attention became a commodity traded in futures markets.

Unfortunately our devices and social media stole our attention and mindfulness; it amplified our disconnection from real life. Highlight reels and filters gave us a very distorted picture of the beautiful complexity and realities of life.

What it also took from us was the fuel that runs our human engines – the neural energy and connectivity we get from being with each other. There is so much that neuroscience has to teach us about how the human brain and body works – how we jumpstart, co-regulate and scaffold each other. We know more about our incredible brains and how to care for them than we ever did before.

So, taking Michael O’Brien’s wisdom to heart, the meaning we can give to this moment is the discovery that we are better together, that human connectivity is integral to our physical, emotional and mental health, and our longevity.

We have the rare opportunity to lift up our kids out of their malaise with greater knowledge, tools and awareness than we have ever had before. We can have a dramatic, positive impact in short order if we meet this moment quite differently than we ever have before.

RECOMMENDED RESOURCES:

Michael O’Brien Shift: https://www.michaelobrienshift.com/about/

Do yourself a favor and click that link to read about Michael’s transformational life experience. Then listen to his deeper conversation with Rich on the Rich Roll Podcast.

Check out this episode of the Rich Roll Podcast with Prof G – Scott Galloway. At about 54 minutes in you will hear the 5 minute deep conversation about vulnerability and emotions. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-rich-roll-podcast/id582272991

White Water Rapids of Life

When I was in my mid-40’s, I used to tell my friends that I was in the white water rapids of life without a paddle when my plate was too full. Life was coming at me fast and furious and I could barely catch my breath, let alone juggle it all.

It seemed, without fail, that after three or four months of pushing through, burning the candle at both ends, making endless sacrifices without discernment, I’d get sick or there would be one monumental family crisis that would grind the fast pace to a halt. At that moment, it would feel like my attempts to “shoot the rapids” left me stranded on the rocks, teetering precariously.

This pattern became so apparent that I’d find myself bracing for it. I could feel the tension mounting every 3 or four months and could feel it in my bones that we were heading for something cataclysmic. Looking back, I can see that bracing for it was also a lifelong pattern of mine. I could feel the ground trembling metaphorically and the only preventative action I took was to steel myself against the inevitable. I would harden up, silently willingly myself to take it — whatever “it” was.

If things were really out of control, I would embellish my story about the white water rapids of life — I would lament to my friends that this time I was in the white water rapids of life without a paddle AND life jackets. Clearly this was the graphic imagery that I used to declare to myself and others that I was in over my head.

This pattern dominated a few years in my mid-40’s – that time when we find ourselves doing some of the hardest life work ever. We are gaining traction in our careers, or deciding we want to change careers in the mid-stream of life. Our parenting has often moved into the more challenging waters of adolescence (maybe that is where I felt I had no life-jackets). Financially we find ourselves looking both backwards and forwards – what’s the balance on the mortgage and how we will fund college educations? No wonder I felt like I was in the white water rapids of life. There was in fact a lot of changes underfoot, all swirling around unseen obstacles as we headed into unchartered water.

When my book club friends and I share stories from that time in our lives, we discover that this is exactly how most of us were feeling during that stage of our lives. We all might describe it a little differently but the patterns bear much similarity.

We’d have these peaks and valleys that could literally be put onto a graph that resembled stock prices or an EKG. The troughs in those graphs were the times where we cried uncle and had no choice but to stop and catch our breath.

Those troughs were the brief respites we were forced to take due to illness, or the acknowledgement that we can’t control a lot that happens in life. They were times where we were so sick, we were mandated to stay in bed for a few days to regain our physical health. Or the times when we had to sit alone in the dark and reflect on what really mattered. Brene Brown aptly named this period of time in our lives as “the great unraveling”.

I recently revisited what Brene wrote in her 2018 blog post about this midlife unraveling and found myself holding my breath as I took in the magnitude and wisdom of her words:

Midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulder, pulls you close and whispers in your ear: “I am not screwing around. All of this pretending and performing — these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go. Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all the things you needed to feel worthy and lovable, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever. Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t spend the rest of your life worrying about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through your veins. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.” — Brene Brown (see link to her blog at the end of this post.)

I often wonder if I had read a wisdom so profound in my mid-40’s how it might have landed on me. I’ll be honest, it’s highly doubtful that it would have resonated in the compelling way that it does today. When I close my eyes and sit with the feelings that emerge from reading it, I can transport myself back to what my own “white waters of life” were so earnestly trying to tell me.

Back then, I did not possess the knowledge and education that now underpins all that Brene imparted. In fact, when she gave us this pivotal message in 2018, we had not yet mainstreamed all that we were learning. Here we are 5 years later and that landscape has changed dramatically. Today it almost feel like a firehose has been turned on — and we are drenched in digestible neuroscience, engaging educational content as well as charismatic, dynamic leaders and teachers and endless resources. We are now fluent in emotional armor, childhood attachment styles and adaptive behavioral patterns. Emotional health has taken its rightful place at the top of the quality of life pyramid.

I couldn’t be happier that so many people of all ages are now absorbing this game-changing knowledge much earlier in their lives. Perhaps the mid-40’s and 50’s will no longer be the great “unraveling” but rather the “great transformation”. Imagine being able to shift gears in the mile markers of our life with vastly improved self-awareness and relationship skills. To be treating adolescence as the apprenticeship it truly is – and preparing our young people to go into the white water rapids of life with all the right tools, skills and burning desire to grow into their natural born gifts.

It is not longer just my wild imagination that envisions this phenomenal pivot, but the reality that we are already farther along on this transformational path than ever before.

There is rarely a day that I have a chat with someone where Dr. Andrew Huberman and his neuroscience podcast, the Huberman Lab are not mentioned. From neighbors to my dentist to seat mates on planes, Andrew Huberman has become a household name. Looking at the arc of his podcast popularity and the emerging topics he now discusses, we can create yet another graph that makes it clear that our trajectory for learning and the breakthroughs that are occurring are soaring.

I recently learned that Andrew Huberman started his highly successful podcast in 2021 because he wanted the general population to have the knowledge and tools they needed to support their physical and cognitive health through the pandemic. He was aware that we were not getting this invaluable information from our leadership and he wanted to educate people about the proactive steps they could be taking that were free, do-able and would have noticeable positive impact.

Think about this — Andrew Huberman saw a need and he stepped up to the plate. He has more than 3.5 million subscribed followers for his podcast launched in the midst of a pandemic. That’s 3.5 million people that have most likely changed their habits – like making consistent sleep a top priority, taking breaks from screens every 45 minutes, getting morning sunlight, changing their relationship with caffeine and alcohol, committing to varied exercise programs and understanding the impacts of their emotional health on their physical and cognitive health.

All of this happened one podcast episode at a time. Knowledge coming at a time of great need and receptivity; a willingness to put in the work and make changes; witnessing the positive effects of those changes and being motivated by all of it to learn more.

Andrew Huberman is throwing his net wide and bringing more diverse guests onto his podcast and for good reason. He is integrating teachings and research from other disciplines because they are all inter-connected to this bigger picture of current evolution. Breakthroughs are occurring fast right now and just like striking a match, they are catching fire quickly with those folks who are hungry to learn more.

The coalescing of personal growth, self development, mental health, emotional health with all the sciences was amplified during the pandemic. It was a collective moment – a tsunami in the white water rapids of our shared experience. It was a great unraveling. Go back now and re-read Brene’s insights for a mid-life unraveling and see if you can spot a similar message for our collective, complicated issues.

As each of us begins to do our own work, taking better care of ourselves and our families, with all that we learn from Andrew Huberman and others just like him, we are contributing to the greater good for everyone. Trust me, people are taking notice. Younger generations are looking at older generations and seeing the effects of ignoring our physical, cognitive and emotional health. Motivated by their desire for longer, healthier, and more satisfying lives, they are charting a new course with the improved knowledge, resources and tools so readily accessible.

Is it any wonder that there is a groundswell of keen interest in all that Andrew Huberman and others like him are enthusiastically sharing with us? Think about what happens when each of those 3.5 million followers shares what they have learned with just one workout buddy, one colleague, or one family member — now that is a powerful ripple effect in the right direction.

We are piecing together how old parenting models that created our armor and ineffective coping strategies also embedded a lot of fixed mindset and limiting belief impediments that hold us back from achieving our full potential and using our natural gifts. As we dig a little deeper on these topics, we are discovering vastly improved ways to educate our children to have a growth mindset, to foster resilience and determination through setbacks, and become critical thinkers.

We are doing this work together and it’s contagious in the best possible way.

Pay attention to the new books being published and the overlapping themes that fit like puzzle pieces. You’ll notice this on the colorful displays in your local bookstore. Check out guests that your favorite podcasters invite for meaningful conversations. Notice how personal stories take up a greater percentage of the discussion now – because that’s how we best integrate all this new information.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t confess that this blog post was inspired by my current read, TomorrowMind by Gabrielle Rosen Kellerman and Martin Seligman (who is often affectionately referred to as the father of positive psychology.). I think you’ll find my “connect the dots” story about Martin Seligman delightfully fascinating.

I began my curiosity about psychology about the same time that Dr. Seligman published his book Flourish in 2012. The subtitle of his book was “A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being.” It focused a lot on how positive psychology could help us “preload” so that post traumatic growth might be possible rather than recurring PTSD. At the time I was in a relationship that puzzled me to no end. I could not understand the inability to “bounce back” from even minor setbacks. I was at a loss on how I could help so I was on the hunt for tools and education.

His book and his research set me on a path of self discovery and personal growth that I may have never otherwise considered. And I have never looked back. It’s eleven years later and my friends tease me that I have possibly earned an advanced degree or two. My passion for this learning has grown into my purpose, which is sharing what I am learning with others.

I have observed how often the topics I first read about have gone through a few transformations of their own over the past two decades, with scientific evidence debunking myths, depeening our initial understandings and bringing clarifying proof through neuroscience. For those reasons, I was intrigued to see what Dr. Seligman now had to share – in April 2023 in this brand new book.

I could barely put it down.

Had you been here with me as I began to read this book, you would have heard the resounding laughter that came from me when I read his words that had once been my own — Dr. Seligman uses the metaphor of the white water world of work! He talks about shooting the rapids, and navigating currents, obstacles and change. If he were here, I would hug him. I get the analogy – and I am deeply grateful. I am not at all surprised that we are now embarking on taking the work that we have been doing individually out into the big wide world.

The gear and the skills we need to navigate the white water rapids of life – at home and in the workplace are found in personal growth, self development and attending to our emotional health.

RECOMMENDED RESOURCES:

Listen to the July 24th episode of the Huberman Lab podcast with Dr. Maya Shankar on Shaping Your Identity and Goals. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/huberman-lab/id1545953110?i=1000622115223

This July 17th episode is entitled Enhancing Performance & Learning By Applying a Growth Mindset. Dr. Carol Dewck, author Mindset, is an esteemed colleague of Dr. Huberman. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/huberman-lab/id1545953110?i=1000621365285

I have listened to Dr. Maya Shankar’s podcast for several years and am always inspired and uplifted by these incredible stories of people who overcame adversities that left them no choice but to reinvent themselves. Check out this episode with Dr, Kristin Neff on Self Compassion https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/a-slight-change-of-plans/id1561860622?i=1000617332975

Buckle your seatbelt for this very real conversation with Terry Real, Author of US, and Peter Attia. Dr. Attia has been revelational in his message about the importance of our emotional health in his book, Outlive. He turned to Terry Real for the therapy he needed to work on his “Bobbie Knight” inner critic and the behavioral reactions he wanted to change.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbI4fm2cNz8

Read — or reread – Brene Brown’s blog post from 2018 on midlife unraveling. It’s aged well.
https://brenebrown.com/articles/2018/05/24/the-midlife-unraveling/

The More We Share, the More We Discover

I have been keenly observing how interactions and conversations have been shifting in profound ways over recent months. It is with great enthusiasm that I am sharing with friends, family and my book club about my experiences while traveling. From Uber drivers to seat mates on planes, hospitality staff, new neighbors and a helpful UPS business owner, more people are sincerely plugged in to self-awareness and personal development. It’s astounding how we’ve shifted from shallow “how’s the weather” conversations to more in-depth and meaningful ones where people are sharing their remarkable personal stories.

I can almost feel the needle and thread stitching together a new tapestry, weaving our own stories and experiences into the bigger picture of others. It feels good to have these rich conversations and to be learning so much.

Some of my most fascinating conversations have been occurring in the self help section of book stores. I’m drawn to book stores — whether it is my local independent one, Quail Ridge in Raleigh NC, or the one my family visited in Scottsdale on vacation, the Poisoned Pen. On a recently layover in Chicago, I hopped off the plane and went straight to Barbara’s Bookstore in the bustling terminal where I ended up having a 45 minute conversation about Outlive and Dr. Peter Attia.

If I had a nickel for every time someone mentioned Andrew Huberman and his podcast, I could fly across the country multiple times.

I confess that I make a beeline to the self help or parenting sections of book stores — eager to see if there is something new to learn and perhaps more enthused to see who is browsing those sections. It’s so uplifting to see young parents, grandparents, mid-lifers, couples and singles all choosing books to help them navigate wherever they are in life. A smile stretches across my face as I take in the transformation that has occurred in the self-help section of bookstores.

Inviting tables of colorful books with intriguing titles pull us in like magnets. To me, these books fit together like pieces of a complex, compelling puzzle. It is not at all surprising that subjects like parenting, mindset, awe, emotions, grief and longing, relationships, atomic habits, boundaries, longevity, purpose and neuroscience are all landing on the same table.

All of these varied subjects are intrinsically connected. We want better relationships — with our kids, our partners, our friends and extended family. We want to know ourselves better. Now we know that the work starts with us, that our emotional health is integral to our overall quality of life and that it needs the same attention as our physical health.

Just a few decades ago, many of these amazing books and resources were segregated; psychology, mental health, diets and exercise, how to guides, hard to understand neuroscience, Buddhist meditation. Then all these various modalities and fields began to intersect — and suddenly authors, researchers and podcasters were quoting each other’s work and having each other as guests. They began to “connect the dots” about our human need for connection. They began to see how all their independent work and findings were actually linked together.

It seems that “overnite” there has been a great convergence of all the individual pieces coming together to form one incredible, dynamic “big picture”.

The best part of our “overnite” awareness is that it is out in the open with all the personal growth and self discovery work that needs to be done. That is so evident in these amazing conversations I have been so fortunate to have with all kinds of people — in the bookstore, on the plane, at the coffee shop, in my writing classes and especially with my friends who are also on the journey.

I recall when I was struggling in my mid-40’s with what Brene Brown called the mid-life unraveling period, I would discreetly make my way to the self help section of Borders, scanning the book titles and the shoppers around me, tucking my book of choice under my arm. I would stand at the counter like a nervous adolescent girl buying tampons with an older teen boy as the checkout clerk. Judgment and shame washing over me. It felt like a public confessional that I did not have my life together.

Hooray for this major shift in acceptance that we all need help!

Today, the inviting and bulging self help section of bookstores often takes center stage. I listen to shoppers enthusiastically sharing with others what they’ve read, what they are working on with spouses, teens or toddlers and even themselves. We have normalized these conversations. Wow.

No one is slinking to the check out counter with their books, workbooks and journals discreetly tucked under their sweaters or shoulders. It’s almost a badge of honor to waltz up to the checkout line proudly displaying copies of Outlive by Dr. Peter Attia, Fierce Self Compassion by Kristin Neff, Lighter by yung pueblo or Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab. I’ve witnessed some of the most astounding conversations happening in the checkout line between customers as they swap stories, insights and book recommendations.

The seeds of our current emotion revolution and our emotional health have landed everywhere now. The subject comes up in business, leadership and innovation podcasts. It certainly comes up regularly for influencers like Adam Grant, Malcolm Gladwell, James Clear, Ryan Holiday, Dr. Peter Attia and Dr. Andrew Huberman. Yes, emotional health and doing our self-discovery work is now a mainstreamed topic of conversation. It is being folded in as the missing piece of our bigger puzzle.

The more we know, the more we grow.

When I first committed to a deep dive into my own personal growth, I was intrigued by Dr. Rick Hanson’s book Hardwiring Happiness, but I did have a hard time wrapping my head around understanding what he meant by “neurons that fire together, wire together.” While I loved the concept of neuroplasticity, I really didn’t have a solid foundation of understanding about the whole brain/body connection.

Today, we have ready access to understandable knowledge of how our brains and bodies operate, the role our nervous system plays and the importance of integrating our inner world of emotions and feelings with our executive functions of our brains. This core knowledge helps us parent better and teach our kids the emotional awareness and regulatory skills that we ourselves were never taught.

What we have before us is a collective effort to help us all live healthier, more satisfied, balanced lives. We are all playing an important role in this integral work when we are invested in our own emotional health and parenting with this upgraded, whole brain model. In her book, Mindset, Dr. Carol Dweck, shares with us that many of us grew up with a societal model of fixed mindset both at home and in school. Is it any wonder that we often then developed limiting beliefs about ourselves and became both the judged and the judgers. Dr. Dweck underscores that we can all work towards developing “growth” mindsets for ourselves and our children, but to recognize that we move toward a growth mindset by taking a journey.

As I travel and interact with others, it is very apparent that quite a few folks have decided to take that journey. We can help each other and in turn help ourselves by continuing to have these more connecting, meaningful conversations. By sharing our stories and experiences, we help others find common ground and encouragement. When we share our favorite resources with others, we help the researchers, authors, mentors and educators reach more people with their incredible work.

There is no denying that our emotional health is the cornerstone of our overall quality of life and meaningful connection with those we love. Unpacking our emotional baggage frees up a lot of space in our hearts and brains to move more fluidly through life, building resilience and enabling us to show up more authentically, more skillfully and much happier.

Let’s do this!

RECOMMENDED RESOURCES:

PODCASTS and BOOKS

Fantastic Podcast with renowned couples therapist Esther Perel, who supported Dr. Peter Attia through his own personal growth journey https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/where-should-we-begin-with-esther-perel/id1237931798?i=1000618302924

Everyone is abuzz about Dr. Andrew Huberman – his neuroscience podcasts on relevant topics are chockfull of the knowledge we need about our brains. Check out the most recent episode about growth mindsets and beliefs
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/huberman-lab/id1545953110

Dr. Peter Arria, author of Outlive, is a dynamic resource for understanding why our Emotional Health matters. Listen to this short clip with Esther Perel https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6xc-WuROXY

The Being Well Podcast with Dr. Rick Hanson and his son Forrest Hanson is a perennial favorite of mine for years. Check out this recent mailbag episode on criticism, anxiety and dysfunctional family systems https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/being-well-with-forrest-hanson-and-dr-rick-hanson/id1120885936?i=1000621375400

Better Out Than In

We have often heard the lament “hurting people hurt people”. That simple phrase resonates for many of us who have experienced being hurt deeply by the people we were trying to love; or whom we believed should unconditionally love us.

Where we become stymied is that we are not sure who to attend to — the hurting people or the hurt people. As a result, we haven’t effectively helped either. The problem just keeps perpetuating.

A few months ago, I wrote a Daily Gummy of Wisdom putting a twist on that old lament. It was “healing people heal people.” This insight came from personal experience as well as from stories I heard shared in my book club, with family and friends and most recently from strangers in a poetry writing class I am taking.

I do marvel at the healing that begins to take place when just one person makes space to listen to another’s story without judgement and most especially when they listen carefully enough to discover a knowing connection. This is precisely why support groups can have such a profound helping impact. There is a foundational promise that we can speak without interruption, that we can pour it all out — and that others will listen with all their human instincts. Everyone that is under that tent has had a similar life event that brought them in. The event is the catalyst for connection; for it is connection that heals.

Our stories and our hurts are better out than in.

I offered the metaphor of a splinter in my last post entitled Feeling Our Way Forward. If we ignore a splinter embedded in our skin, it never stops hurting. It can even fester and get infected as our body wants to eject this foreign object. We can go about our normal days, but every time we bump it, it is painful and serves as a reminder that we need to attend to it. It is the anticipatory pain of extraction that becomes an obstacle; and for some outrageous reason we think it will magically go away if we ignore it. We will not have to experience that brief extraction pain. But day in and day out, we come to discover that this is not true. And if someone else bumps our tender, painful finger, we blame them for their carelessness. That embedded splinter is also taking away our joy — even our ability to feel the softness of a consoling pet.

Eventually we face the truth — that splinter is indeed better out than in. Yes, the extraction does hurt. We may even feel some residual discomfort as though it is still embedded in our skin, but the healing is already starting. Our body is busy attending to the healing process and relieved that it is no longer doing a daily triage on something we refused to address.

A piercing splinter is an apt metaphor for our emotional wounds. Our emotions are better out than in.

In his book, Permission to Feel, emotional scientist Marc Brackett, makes this incredibly clear:

“The irony, though, is that when we ignore our feelings, or suppress them, they only become stronger. The really powerful emotions build up inside us, like a dark force that inevitably poisons everything we do, whether we like it or not. Hurt feelings don’t vanish on their own. They don’t heal themselves. If we don’t express our emotions, they pile up like a debt that will eventually come due.” – excepted from Permission to Feel, pg.13, Author – Marc Brackett, Ph.D.

Every single book I have read in recent months about emotional health, parenting, longevity and health span cites this one compelling factor: We got emotions all wrong and we only started to understand this in the 1980’s.

Just think about that — up until a few decades ago, we just kept ignoring and dismissing emotions all together. And even now, with more research, we are too slow to respond and integrate.

So let’s circle back to the lament that “hurting people hurt people” and take action to attend to both the hurting and the hurt. The escalating emotional and mental health crisis is proof positive that we can no longer ignore our emotional splinters. Everyone deserves to be attended with compassion, non-judgment and assistance to pull the hurting out.

We cannot address what we do not not know, yet there is growing evidence that not integrating our emotions was a huge mistake — a catacylsmic snowball rolling down debris-covered hill.

Remember when you were a kid and there was just a small dusting of snow on the ground, but you just had to make a snowman. You’d start with a tiny snowball and begin rolling it around the yard. As the fresh snow clung to that baseball sized snowball, it grew in size. It left behind a little swath cleared of snow, revealing green grass, brown decaying leaves and broken twigs. And that growing snowball — well it was mostly snow but it also had a lot of those decaying leaves and broken twigs projecting from it. That is what has been happening from one generation to the next with all our unprocessed emotions — they were the decaying leaves and broken twigs that got passed along with eye and skin color. The snowball full of emotional projectiles.

Unprocessed and unexpressed emotions have piled up; we are still carrying and paying the overdue debts of our ancestors.

I recently published a blog post “Learning What We Need to Teach.” That post was inspired by the work of Dr. Dan Siegel who wrote The Power of Showing Up, Whole Brain Parenting and No Drama Discipline. One of the fastest ways that we can implement real change is to teach our children that emotions are an integral part of who they are and how they learn about life. We need to teach them a vast and nuanced emotional vocabulary. We are the training wheels for this integration of big unwieldy and at times, scary, emotions for our children and their developing brains. But we cannot teach what we ourselves don’t know. It would be like us suddenly trying to teach our kids to speak a foreign language fluently. We might only know a few familiar phrases in Spanish or French. We are hardly skillful.

Can you imagine what it feels like for a small child to have big emotions wash all over her, out of the blue? My young granddaughter was standing in the bathtub, trembling with crocodile tears running down her cheeks. She was so angry at her brother and was yelling at him. She also had enough self awareness to recognize that her voice had changed and that scared her – what was happening? Her changing voice took precedence over her anger. In that moment, my granddaughter was feeling a natural and normal chain reaction that happens when emotions hit us.

That present moment is a teaching opportunity.

Her anger was simply an emotion that told her something wasn’t right. Her brother had not been respectful about her bathtub toys. Her anger was legitimate. Her anger caused her body and developing brain to react. Her heart was racing, the tears were flowing, her voice was amplified. All that happened in a split second. She was caught in an emotional vortex — angry at her brother and she was scaring herself with her own voice; one she didn’t recognize or like. “What is happening to me?” she asked me. “Why is my voice changing?”

Being the training wheels for these moments is a game-changer for everyone. It is how we integrate emotional awareness.

Step 1 of being the training wheels is to remain calm. We co-regulate each other and if we can show up calmly for our kids when they are overcome with emotions, it is soothing. Their heart rate will slow, their labored breathing will return to baseline, the tension in their tiny bodies will release. When we are initially learning how to be the “training wheels” this first step will seem like it takes an eternity. That’s just an illusion however. It actually takes much less time than we realize.

It is when we respond to our child’s normal and right-sized “out of control” emotional chain reaction with our abnormal, outsized adult emotional reaction that things escalate and can become unwieldy. Step one — stay calm. You are a first responder.

Step 2 is naming the emotions that our child is feeling. Name them to tame them. This is how we organically build our child’s emotional vocabulary. It not only helps them to have this valuable reference point for self-identification of their own emotions, it builds connection and empathy with others. If a sibling expresses “I am so angry right now” a child instinctively knows what anger feels like to them. They can relate.

At the risk of losing the flow of this lesson in “training wheels”, I will pull a strong thread from what we know is so helpful in support groups. It is empathy. It is being able to listen to someone’s story and have a basic human understanding of what they must feel like, using our experiences as the connector.

So when we help our children label their emotions, we are giving them context from their own emotional experience to be able to relate to others. They will intuitively know what anger or envy feels like. We are building their emotional vocabulary and cultivating their ability to help themselves and others in emotional discomfort.

I’m guessing that it is beginning to feel pretty obvious right now that if we had been raised this way, with a deep appreciation for our emotions and tools to help us express and manage them, our own lives would have been greatly improved. Stick with me — there’s more.

Back to training wheels – Step 3. Normalizing the emotions is powerful. Emotions are neither right nor wrong. They are simply a form of information. Anger is nothing more than a newsflash that something is important to us.

Even if that something important is just a few bathtub toys, it matters. It matters to my granddaughter who was very clear about what was important to her in advance. Anger was just a normal and appropriate reaction.

As for her voice changing, she just needed to be reassured that this too was natural. That our voice does change when we are angry and it won’t last. You should have seen the look of relief that washed over her precious face at that breaking news. Did you know that it feels very scary to small children when emotions are coursing through their little bodies. Of course they are worried that they are changing and just like imagining a monster under the bed, they are fearful that it is for real and forever.

Step 4 of being emotional integration training wheels for our children is helping them become aware that emotions often come packaged with other feelings. Anger can be accompanied by disappointment, confusion, envy, a sense of unfairness. Just as we would double check that there are no little fragments remaining from a splinter we removed, we should do the same for our emotions. Invite some exploration of the accompanying emotions. We are often deeply touched by what we learn when we really listen to our distressed child.

For the record, this is even more amplified for our teenagers. It is only when we become more skillful listeners that our adolescences open up to share what is under the surface. Be patient, don’t lecture or fix — just listen.

The bottom line is that so many of us grew up without an understanding of the integral role our emotions play in helping us build lives that are strong, healthy, supportive, connected, resilient and meaningful. We blamed emotions for getting in the way of our living a good life. If we could just ignore them, turn them off, shut them down, then we would be happy.

If we had only known that our emotions were the very first and most integral part of our human experience, we would not be awash in shame, blame, loneliness, judgment, dissatisfaction, addictions and estrangements. Emotions didn’t cause these issues — in fact, they are both the prevention and the cure.

I watch my grandchildren today – who are being raised with integration of their emotions into their developing brains and I marvel at their self-awareness, their growing confidence and resilience and most impressively their emotional navigational skills. They are so attuned to their emotions that they can anticipate when a situation might arise where they feel their “jealousy rising”. Rather than ignore it, they name and come up with a plan to address it. From birthday celebrations, to board game competitions, they can hold both their own feelings of envy and a stronger desire to pour joy on each other.

Just the other day, my granddaughter told me that sometimes she really prefers to stay in her mood for a while. She is not afraid to be with her strong emotions and to really feel how they show up in her body, and how long it takes for them to fade. Can you imagine having that much enlightened engagement with your feelings when you were a kid? She is processing her moods, her feelings in real time – without self criticism or parental judgment.

Can you imagine having an inner voice that was trained in curiosity, non-judgment and self compassion? That is precisely what is happening for my granddaughter when she sits with her feelings; she is training her inner voice to be a supportive internal best friend.

Hurting people hurt people – and usually this is unintentional. We simply were not taught and shown by example how to use our emotions in the positive ways they were intended. Our emotional health impacts our quality of life, our physical and cognitive health and our ability to care for ourselves and others in vastly beneficial ways.

We literally pushed away what we needed the most — emotional awareness and emotional intelligence.

RECOMMENDED RESOURCES:

LISTEN TO DOUG BOPST’S INCREDIBE PODCAST EPISODE WITH NEDRA GLVOER TAWWAB ABOUT PARENTING, FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS AND BOUNDARIES
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-adversity-advantage/id1496406333?i=1000613941394

LISTEN TO THE MAY 22, 2023, EPISODE OF THE HAPPINESS LAB WITH DR. LAURIE SANTOS & THE TEAM FROM SESAME STREET –INCLUDING ELMO — TO LEARN ABOUT HOW WE CAN HELP CHILDREN IDENTIFY & COPE WITH THEIR BIG EMOTIONS https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-happiness-lab-with-dr-laurie-santos/id1474245040?i=1000613543742

Feeling Our Way Forward

When I was a teenager, I stood in my grandmother’s sunlit kitchen watching this tiny spry woman skimming cream from the top of a quart glass milk bottle. The bottle was as weathered as she was, no longer crystal clear glass, but almost opaque from the innumerable times it had been filled at a dairy, topped with a cardboard stopper, packed in a crate, delivered in a truck, placed in a metal silver box on the front door step, retrieved before the sun rose, its contents separated — cream for coffee and milk for oatmeal. My grandmother was about to turn 68 — for the 5th time according to my calculations. She preferred to stay lodged at 68 rather than admit to entering her 7th decade.

This confounded me. I marveled at the fact that someone could live to their mid-70’s or beyond. (Remember I was only a young teen and even 40 seemed old to me at that time,) Yet what transfixed me even more was all the changes that my grandmother had seen in her lifetime. I was so eager to hear her stories, to find it incredulous that her electric refrigerator had once been an icebox! Imagine having ice delivered to your doorstep just as the familiar milk was now delivered. She drove a big black Buick now, but what was her first car or mode of transportation? And that black and white TV that was the focal point of her tiny living room — what was it like to experience a TV for the very first time?

My grandmother rarely stopped her never-ending forward momentum to pause and reflect on these wonders. She’d wave her wrinkled hand at me as though swatting at a fly, smile and tell me to set the table for breakfast. I do believe my grandmother possessed a lot of wisdom from all that she had witnessed and experienced in her seven decades, but she was reluctant to reflect. What’s done is done was her motto.

Now I am the grandmother in her seventh decade. My six year old grandson held my gaze as he marveled “Gigi, it’s amazing that you lived in the olden days and you are living in the here days now.” Unlike my grandmother, I am equally in awe and I melt at my grandson’s observation. I will be an open book for any questions that my grandchildren have about all that I have witnessed and experienced in my life.

The truth is that I am so grateful to not only witness, but to be actively engaged in the profound changes unfolding in my lifetime that will be transformational for generations to come.

My own personal growth journey, started about 8 years ago, had me unpacking nearly 6 decades of emotional baggage, rummaging through long-forgotten but pivotal events that occurred not only in my life, but in the lives and experiences of my family’s prior generations.

As I was steeped in this personal development work, I began to notice correlations and coalescence of the sciences, psychology, modern medicine and mental health along with Brene Brown’s research on shame and vulnerability, Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion, and Carol Dweck’s work on growth mindset and neuroplasticity. Suddenly things were beginning to feel very inter-connected and the common denominator was emotions.

Did you know that we never really studied emotions until the late 1980’s? This startling revelation blew my mind.

For all the discoveries, advancements, inventions and societal changes we have witnessed for centuries, the most transformational evolutionary breakthroughs are happening in this very moment – and it has everything to do with integrating our emotions into our human operating system. Nothing could be more impactful for all of mankind.

My grandmother’s generation, like those that came before her, knew next to nothing about the integral value of our emotions. “Psychological science was firmly entrenched in a “cognitive revolution” reveals Dacher Keltner in his latest book, Awe.

“Within this framework (of cognitive science), every human experience, from moral condemnation to prejudice against people of color, originates in how our minds, like computer programs, process units of information in passionless ways. What was missing from this understanding of human nature was emotion. Passion, Gut Feeling. What Scottish philosopher David Hume famously called “the master of reason” and Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman termed “System 1” thinking. — excerpted from Chapter 1 of Awe by Dasher Kellner (renowned expert in the science of human emotion)

That old saying that “hindsight is 20/20” really rings true as I reflect back on how emotions were banished from one generation to the next. Old parenting models reinforced that “cognitive revolution” so we just kept stuffing our skeletons in the closet, and filling our human basements and attics with old baggage and unhealed emotional wounds.

We compounded the problem when we banished emotions from our human operating system. All those unprocessed emotions and related traumas got passed along from one generation to the next into our genes. So not only did we grow up witnessing and then modeling dysfunctional behavioral patterns, we actually carried generational emotional baggage in our genes. We were predisposed to perpetuate dysfunctional patterns. Here are salient pivot points that we are learning about our genes and their generational impact:

Epigenetics is the study of how your behaviors and environment can cause changes that affect the way your genes work.

Unlike genetic changes, epigenetic changes are reversible and do not change your DNA sequence. But they can change how your body reads a DNA sequence.

Consider this: The first human disease to be linked to epigenetics was cancer, in 1983.

We are witnessing the big reveal right now — as our emotional health has hit the charts in revelatory ways. In just a little over three decades, we have advanced the ball on human evolution by recognizing that we got emotions all wrong.

Human beings are hard-wired for connection. The critical component of our motherboard that facilitates and integrates that lifelong need for connection is emotions.

Without this integral component, we have faulty, dysfunctional operating systems. Our immune systems malfunction and we get physically and cognitive sick. We have poor emotional regulation because we never got an owner’s manual. We struggle to make and keep relationships healthy and strong. We cannot teach our kids because we don’t know what we don’t know. They mirror us and we get mad, frustrated, discouraged and weary.

It should not be surprising at all that our teens are struggling with loneliness and depression. Imagine how many generations of unresolved emotions and trauma they are carrying in their genes. Technology and social media has exacerbated the problem as we become more socially disconnected while staring at our addictive screens instead of each other.

The bottom line is that we can all participate in this emotion revolution by embracing the need for integration of our emotions into our human operating system. We don’t think twice about upgrading our phones or devices. And when we get our children their first phone, we are not giving them a wall mounted rotary dial model. Why then would we have them operating on a partially installed top shelf brain/body/nervous system?

In prior blog posts, I have shared how inspirational it is to have prominent, respected younger men and women taking the lead by being so real and vulnerable in their podcasts, books, Ted Talks and social media platforms about their own emotional health journeys. There is a lot of generational baggage being unpacked these days to make room for a much healthier and more connected way of living.

Yes, it is incredibly sad to hear about the traumas and dysfunctional emotional underpinnings that people have endured. It is also not surprising to discover that these stories are not as uncommon as we think and have been the root cause of addictions, broken relationships, chronic and life threatening health issues and poor quality of life.

What I do know is that this is exactly how the healing begins and the evolution takes root. Unpacking unprocessed emotions is like having a splinter. We know it’s there. We can ignore it, but we will feel the pain every time we bump up against it…and over time it just might get infected. When we pull that splinter, we may still feel a little residual pain, but the reality is that the healing has already begun.

When my grandson tells me that it is amazing that I lived in the old days and I am here now, living in these present days, I can look at him and see him growing up in a world where he is a fully integrated human being, experiencing life with emotional meta vision and a self awareness that simply was not possible before. Oh yes, I have seen and experienced a lot in my lifetime, but just you wait — the best is yet to come.

RECOMMENDED RESOURCES:

LISTEN TO THIS MARCH 3rd 2023 EPISODE WITH LEWISHOWES – Prepare to be amazed at what you learn from Lewis about the profound benefits of unpacking emotional baggage and trauma – and then helping others do the same. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-peter-attia-drive/id1400828889?i=1000602927831

Nuggets of Wisdom

I started collecting inspirational quotes in my teen years and to this day, I am still fascinated by them. One day, my friend told me that the little nuggets of wisdom I shared with her about mindfulness were like inspirational quotes for her. I laughed and said that my little homemade quotes were like daily gummy supplements for self-awareness. My daughter told me that she likes them because it the perfect way to squeeze a little mindfulness into her crazy busy day keeping up with two young children.

So, I am launching a new component to my blog posts — and aiming to share my Nuggets of Wisdom twice a month.

This first one came to me when I realized that all too often, we inadvertently interrupt others and pull their attention away from the present moment. Just taking a few moments to take stock of a present situation may be all that is needed to realize our comment or story can wait a bit. Don’t break the spell of a mom reading a book to her child, or your partner engrossed in meal prep, or a friend taking a moment to gather her thoughts.

Those moments when we pause and just observe another being focused in their own activity is an opportunity to witness another’s joy, fascination or vulnerability.

We’ve all got behavioral patterns that we unconsciously fall back on– things like avoiding conflict, being a control freak or being a consummate helper, not asking for help. Just like a good purge of clothes that no longer fit or are outdated, a purge of these old conditioned patterns free us up to fully embrace our current life and the person we are striving to be.

I’ve often described this processing as gaining a lot of real estate in our lives for new growth opportunities, richer experiences and more contentment.

Too often we ignore our intuition. Paying attention to our “gut instinct” will usually point us to the best choices. Our best friends and trust buddies will be honest with us, and help us see the blind spots we may be missing. They are good at holding space while we sort things out. Road blocks may be invaluable signs that something isn’t right for us, or that we aren’t quite ready. New beginnings are the springboard for learning, growth and resilience. Fresh starts are like a blank canvas ripe with opportunity.

Any habit that we wish to change does require commitment and daily practice. It’s fun to work on enhancing a personal quality that we want to let shine. I truly believe it is easier than breaking a bad habit too.

Replacing being judgmental with being curious was a quality I worked on. It really shifted my perspective and honed my empathy for what others were dealing with in their own lives.

What quality do you want to expand?

This might be my personal favorite — put a little gratitude in your attitude!

No matter what is going on in our lives, we often have so much to be grateful for, but we are so busy focusing on what’s going wrong that we overlook the obvious.

Take a moment to think about one or two things in your life that you are truly grateful for – and if it just happens to be a person in your life, tell them! A little note, a text, a hug or making them a cup of tea will be a blessing that goes both ways.

I hope you enjoy the Nuggets of Wisdom. I’d love to hear from you with comments, ideas, and your own nuggets of inspiration and wisdom.

Red Flag Insights

I’ve often shared how a relationship breakup put me on the personal growth path in my 60’s. While moving on from a broken relationship was challenging by itself, trying to understand why I ignored red flags and held on so long to an unhealthy dynamic proved to be the hardest part. It also became the most profound pivot of my life.

Today as I was listening to a Being Well podcast, I found myself feeling so “heard and understood” by Dr. Rhonda Freeman. Learning how the brain is impacted in our relationships explained a lot of the mystery that kept both me and my partner in unhealthy cycles. Repetitive patterns and the release of brain chemicals that “reward” us play significant roles.

Turns out that Dr. Rhonda Freeman also went through a similar relationship and breakup as me. She had the same experience afterward with friends and an unhelpful counselor that I did. She also had a strong desire to learn from the lessons which resulted in her turning to personal growth resources to find her healing. Dr. Freeman discovered that this foundation in her very own field of expertise — neuropsychology. While her main focus had been dementia, she now applied the science and tools to healing from a dysfunctional relationship.

While I did not have that field of expertise, I did have a keen fascination in neuroscience as well as a budding interest in mindfulness — and that led me to discovering Dr. Rick Hanson. The profound pivot for me was turning my attention inward and committing to some major changes. For most of my life, I’d always been about helping others, so this was a complete 180 for me. It was Dr. Hanson’s book, Hardwired for Happiness that jumpstarted the process.

Listening to the podcast today revealed the complex impact of an emotionally dysfunctional relationship on the brain. Suddenly a lot of pieces started to fall into place for me as I gained clarity about red flags and why my healing from that relationship took several years. I found Dr. Freeman’s honesty about her own relationship experience to be comforting and reassuring. She too had missed the red flags. She too had kept doubling down on efforts to salvage a fraying relationship. There is such a strong influential pull in romantic relationships fueled by our innate need for belonging and connection, that we can often override and overlook what should seem obvious.

Even Dr. Hanson confessed that he was once “talked into” following a cult-like group at one point in his life and in spite of his background, he too was completely affected and bamboozled by the influential power of the group. He pointed out that because we humans are by nature empathic and compassionate, we are also vulnerable to being influenced and drawn into relationships with others that are not so healthy. Sadly, emotionally dysfunctional relationships are all too common these days.

It’s not that unusual to have blind spots to the red flags. We may just dismiss them or explain them away. It can happen to anyone. We get flooded and overwhelmed by strong influences. Dr. Hanson cautions us to have a deep appreciation for the power of social conformity, acceptance and openness to being manipulated by others.

Once the conversation established how we find ourselves getting pulled into unhealthy relationships, it then turned to what is needed in the aftermath. How do we heal? What lessons do we learn and how do we develop our awareness and attunement to red flags and our own unconscious patterns?

Dr. Rhonda Freeman explained the double whammy of recovering from dysfunctional relationships. Not only do we have to heal from the pain of an emotionally dysfunctional relationship, we also have to address the shame that accompanies it. Shame we put on ourselves for allowing ourselves to be pulled into such a dynamic and shame from others. Very often well-meaning but misguided friends will also shame us. “How could you get into this relationship? Why did you accept that behavior? How did you miss those red flags and long-standing behavioral patterns? “

As I listened to Dr. Freeman’s stories about her friends who took a “tough love” stance and told her to “get over it” and “just move on”, it resonated deeply with me. The tough love approach can do more harm than good and often only causes additional heartache. Now I understood why I felt so awful back then and even avoided friends who doled out their tough love advice or thought I should dive headfirst into a new relationship.

As Dr. Hanson pointed out, you need a trusted friend to fill the emotional void that is inevitable after a breakup. This is a key element to healing — because it is the emotional void that can cause rumination, longing and extended suffering. It is much more supportive to have a trusted friend who will hold space for you and be willing to listen without judgment. You need a reliable friend who can curl up on the couch with you and watch a movie, make you laugh, offer grace to you as you take time and space to reflect, to recover.

While this was not covered in the podcast, it was only through a lot of deep introspective work that I realized some aspects of my former relationship had triggered memories and emotions buried deep in me from my childhood experiences with my mother. Oddly enough, this started to come out in my journaling. I would have missed many opportunities to go deeper with my personal growth work had I not stuck with it. The breakup actually served to be quite cathartic for me.

Once I was more aware of those old emotional layers, I committed to healing them as well. It is why I now have a daily practice for my mental health and well being. In fact, there have been many aspects about my former relationship that became gateways to learn more about how the brain functions, childhood trauma, depression, emotional intelligence, addictions, neuroscience and the enneagram.

While my partner may not have had narcissistic issues, I believe that emotional disregulation and old behavioral patterns contributed to relationship dysfunction that feels remarkably similar to what was discussed in this Being Well podcast. He often described himself as a delicate flower — and I now understand that this was how he felt about the fragility of his ego. I often felt like I was walking on eggshells around him, never knowing what passing comment would trigger him. This led to more guarded conversation than light-hearted banter.

Our approaches to life’s challenges were quite opposite –I’d head for a walk in nature to clear my head and he’d curl up in bed, in the dark, for hours and often emerge heavier and sadder. I’ve come to understand that his enneagram characteristics predisposed him to hang out with deep dark emotions, often ruminating about the past. It was his comfort zone – a soothing mechanism that did not serve him well.

I’d been traumatized as a 4 year old when my mother locked me in a dark attic as punishment for running home from pre-school after an incident with a bully. So the last place you will find me is in a darkened room if the sun is shining. Since I did not understand his innate preference for sitting at length with his heavy emotions in the dark and he did not understand my need for sunlight and energy, we were both blind as to why our responses to adversities were so different. He felt unsupported because I could not stay in the dark where I unconsciously felt scared and very uncomfortable.

At the onset of our relationship, I mistook his deep pool of emotions for vulnerability and a capacity for empathy. I have subsequently learned from enneagram educators who share his type that this is a common misconception and a frequent cause of relationship issues. HIs self-focused actions often caused me and others hurt and confusion. It was his lack of remorse and understanding about his impact on others that baffled me the most. Surely if he himself could feel emotions so deeply, he must be able to understand another’s feelings. There was a disconnect about what he needed and what he was able to reciprocate. I chose the word “able” intentionally here. I know he was “capable” but I believe that unconscious behavioral patterns created his blind spot.

I’d seen the poor coping skills early on in our relationship, but chalked it up to the aftermath of a troubled marriage that ended in divorce. Especially because it often seemed to be most apparent whenever he and his ex had a disagreement about matters relating to their children. He was a doting dad who cared deeply for his children. But over time, I witnessed his struggle with emotional regulation and poor coping skills cropping up in many areas. It seemed that he really struggled to make any distinction between what should have been a 1 or 2 on the radar screen. Everything got a response as though it were a 10. This was an exhaustive pattern for both of us. I urged him to work on it so that we would have some reserve for the bigger milestones and adversities that life would surely bring us. This conversation sent us back to couples counseling.

Recently I have learned through Dr. Bruce Perry how the bar for our emotional stress regulation gets set in childhood. While I do not know my former partner’s full family history, I have some clues that might explain why he innately struggled so much with emotional regulation. While I did implore his family members to learn more, no one seemed to really have any answers, just the observation that ” he’s always been that way. ”

The very thing that brought us together — golf — was the final blow in our relationship. Instead of us having fun and enjoying our mutual passion for the game, each round was filled with his drama, poor sportsmanship and blaming others over bad shots.

That was when I took stock of the bigger picture and recognized that the behavioral patterns I experienced were not confined to our relationship. They were prevalent in his men’s golf groups, some friendships, with a prior girlfriend and at the very end, even with a cherished family member. It was in that moment that I asked him if this is how he really wanted to live his life. A few months after we broke up, he moved a new partner in with him.

Here is why I think that it is imperative to share as much information as possible about the tools and research that support mental health, self-awareness and personal growth. During our relationship of 6 years, we saw 5 couples counselors. We never made any significant and sustainable progress. Looking back, with the knowledge I now have, I can see where there were some big clues disclosed by each of us in our sessions, but no counselor ever picked up on them or suggested that we do some solo counseling. My partner was also treated for depression but again it was limited to dispensing medication. Even his long time friend and family doctor would just shake his head and say the he was the most complex guy he ever knew. The stress overload he carried surely contributed to a string of serious health issues.

We have to find better ways to support people who have healing to do from childhood trauma, who need help to rewire their neural pathways so they can be free from rumination, chronic low-grade depression, high levels of anxiety and PTSD. Unresolved trauma or loss can be so overpowering that it affects the quality of our lives. Dr. Bruce Perry explains that unprocessed trauma and poor emotional regulation will stay with us all through adulthood and will result in a cascade of relational problems and serious health issues. I’ve witnessed this reality in my own family and this relationship.

It is the very reason that I have shifted my focus to broader outreach and awareness of mental health for both children and adults. I will continue to share resources, research and tools to support each of us in healing. As I recently heard on a podcast with Dr. Dan Siegel — “it is not our fault that trauma happened, but it is our responsibility to recognize how it impacts us and others.”

RECOMMENDED RESOURCES:

Being Well Podcast – Recovering from a Relationship with a Narcissist

https://www.rickhanson.net/being-well-podcast-recovering-from-a-relationship-with-a-narcissist/?highlight=recovering%20from%20a%20relationship%20with%20a%20narcissist

Being Well Podcast – Depression and the Brain

https://www.rickhanson.net/being-well-podcast-depression-and-the-brain/?highlight=depression%20and%20the%20brain

YouTube Interview with Dr. Dan Siegel – The Power of Showing Up

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFhuj0lhW7Q